Have you ever been in a situation where you felt you had to perform in order to either keep the peace or avoid being mistreated by those around you?
If you have, you probably remember how exhausting it was to maintain that facade, and how uncomfortable you felt afterwards.
People who have always felt different from others often find themselves doing that much of the time, often developing the behaviors listed here in order to survive.
It can feel as though they don’t often have the freedom to just be themselves because the entire world seems to demand that they be someone else.
1. Behavioral masking.
Masking involves hiding one’s natural habits and inclinations in order to fit in. Anyone can mask, but it’s particularly common in neurodivergent folk, such as those who are autistic, ADHD, or both (AuDHD).
For example, many neurodivergent people self-soothe and self-regulate with stimming habits like bouncing their knee, rocking, or stroking their fingers. However, they may learn, unconsciously or consciously, to suppress these repetitive actions because they unnerve those around them, or are considered inappropriate in a professional environment.
Similarly, someone who doesn’t feel a wide range of emotions, or who expresses them differently than others, may learn how to pretend that they’re experiencing what others think they “should” be feeling at any given time.
For example, I have alexithymia, which makes it difficult for me to identify what I’m feeling (if anything). I’ve learned that when people expect you to respond a certain way in social situations, they can get very unnerved when you don’t.
As such, I had to learn how to fake an “authentic” smile by remembering to crinkle my eyes or exhibit the “correct” body language.
I rarely feel any of the things in the same way that others do, but since these behaviors are expected, I learned to adapt and perform accordingly.
It’s exhausting, but it has allowed me to interact and work with people without creeping them out the way I did in my youth, before I learned that performativism was demanded in order to be an accepted member of society.
2. Mirroring.
If you’ve ever seen a toddler mimic their parents’ hand clapping when they did something well, you’ve seen mirroring in action.
Both humans and great apes mirror each other’s behavior instinctively, copying actions, facial expressions, and vocal intonations without even realizing that they’re doing so.
For example, if you spend time with a friend of yours, you may not even realize that you’re mirroring their posture, or that they’re copying certain phrases that you use. It’s a subconscious way of synchronizing with others and building social bonds.
People who have always felt different from others don’t often synchronize like this instinctively. Instead, they have to put significant effort into mirroring others’ behavior in order to put them at ease and build trust.
This often involves repeating things back to them that they’ve said, mimicking vocal cues and hand gestures, and discussing topics that they’ve mentioned are important to them.
3. Rehearsing mental scripts for interpersonal exchanges.
While many people find it easy to interact in conversations on the fly, others don’t necessarily share that skill.
When they encounter questions or phrases that they don’t expect, they freeze up and have no idea how to respond. As a result, they often plan out full conversations beforehand so they can anticipate how to respond.
Essentially, they try to imagine all the different ways that the interaction might unfold, and plan responses for every possible question or comment.
It’s mentally and emotionally exhausting, especially since social interactions never pan out as expected.
Basically, they end up memorizing scripts that they’ll never act out, wasting an extraordinary amount of time in the process.
Furthermore, they may experience a ton of social anxiety in the process, reacting to imaginary conversations that have never and will never exist anywhere but in their own minds.
4. Coming up with reasons and excuses for their “odd” behavior.
When you’ve always felt different from others, you’ve likely experienced many situations in which they look at you like you’ve grown another head or transformed into a mantid before their eyes.
That’s when you know that you’ve done something “weird” or “wrong” in that particular situation, and you need to do something to explain it away so you don’t get ostracized or otherwise picked on.
That’s where creative explanations, excuses, and other reactions come in handy.
Being manic from lack of sleep is a good one, since most people can relate to that. Another is laughing and apologizing for their odd or dark sense of humor.
A technique that I have often used is to say “I know, I’m so weird” and then change the subject by asking them about a topic I know they’re passionate about. In their zeal to talk about themselves and their interests, they soon forget the awkward strangeness.
5. Decompression and “reset” techniques that blend in.
When you’re expected to spend almost all of your time pretending to be something you aren’t, tension builds up.
At times, it can feel like it’s going to explode out of your every pore, and you need to do something to heat-sink that feeling before you start weeping hysterically.
People who experience this sort of thing generally develop “reset” techniques in order to release this tension and ground themselves before getting back to what they were doing.
One might go for a walk or a run during their lunch hour, for example. Another might go to the washroom and run their wrists under cold water, or soak some paper towels and apply them to the back of their neck for a minute or so.
These techniques won’t be considered weird to the casual observer, who would certainly be unnerved if someone went into the closet and screamed into a coat for a little while before heading back to their desk.
6. Sensory masking.
This is similar to the way people mask their behavior at times (as mentioned in example #1), but it has to do with how individuals who have always felt different may try to hide their sensitivity to things that don’t bother others at all.
For example, someone who doesn’t like to be touched because they find it physically uncomfortable, or even painful, might wear bulky clothing to dampen sensations in case others touch them unexpectedly.
Similarly, a person who’s sensitive to sound might be wearing sound-dampening earplugs that can’t be seen beneath their hair.
Another thing that can happen is that if they have sensory food aversions — especially intense ones that may border on an eating disorder like ARFID — they’ll say they have a lot of allergies instead.
This is because anaphylactic reactions are seen as much more acceptable to others than aversions, which are often brushed off as just “being picky”.
Unfortunately, these people have often learned that sensory aversions aren’t taken seriously and may even be sabotaged in an attempt to force the person to get over their preferences, which can cause severe distress and lifelong food-related trauma.
7. Using their time alone to be their true selves.
When a person lives with the demand that they need to be someone else whenever they’re in public or in other people’s company, they usually cherish their alone time.
It doesn’t just allow them to relax because they don’t have to be performative: being alone also grants them the opportunity to be authentic.
Many of them make their homes places of joy and replenishment. They’ll fill them with things that bring them happiness, calm their nerves, and give them the opportunity to either recharge their depleted batteries or release the tension that their daily pantomimes build up inside them.
Final thoughts…
Those of us who have always felt different were often asked by others why we can’t “just be” something else.
Our parents asked us why we couldn’t “just be” more like our friends. Teachers asked us why we couldn’t “just be” quieter, more sociable, or “normal.”
Practically every situation we’ve ever been in has brought the expectation that we be anything and everything other than who we are authentically.
The behaviors listed here may be effective for survival, but they eventually wear us down bit by bit until we burn out. All because we can’t “just be” ourselves.
Isn’t it time we changed that?
