It seems that more and more these days, people are losing touch with themselves. Social media, consumerism, workplace expectations, and societal pressures constantly push us to construct versions of ourselves designed to please (or one-up) others rather than honor our true nature.
What’s more, for many of us, the noise of modern life and external influence has drowned out our inner voice so much that we no longer even know what our authentic needs and desires are.
But living from this disconnected place exacts a heavy toll on our well-being, relationships, and sense of purpose. It’s time we removed our masks. To do so, we first need to figure out who we truly are and then take steps to live in accordance with that. Here are 12 tips that will set you on that journey, none of which actually require much effort.
1. Create a values audit by listing what energizes versus depletes you to reveal your authentic priorities.
Your energy never lies. This is something I’ve learned to be true, particularly as I’ve gotten older and my energy has become more limited and precious. When something aligns with your authentic self, you’ll notice a subtle lift in your mood and motivation, even if the task itself is challenging.
In my experience, most people confuse societal “shoulds” with personal values, leading to chronic exhaustion and resentment. To pick this apart, creating a simple two-column list of “Energizes Me” versus “Depletes Me” can be remarkably revealing.
The process works best when you track activities for at least a week. Notice how you feel before, during, and after various interactions and tasks. Don’t judge what emerges—simply observe. What energizes one person might deplete another, and that’s perfectly fine.
According to best-selling author and psychologist Dr. Brené Brown, developing this kind of self-awareness is foundational to living authentically and wholeheartedly. Her book “The Gifts of Imperfection” emphasizes that knowing what truly matters to you is key in the journey toward meaningful change.
2. Take note of which people and environments allow you to feel most like yourself.
When you’re with certain people, being you comes easier. Words flow naturally. Silence isn’t awkward. Your laugh sounds like your actual laugh, not the polite version you’ve perfected for work functions and bad jokes.
The same applies to environments. Some spaces invite you to drop your pretense and simply be, others make you feel like you have to put on a show. Of course, you can’t avoid the latter altogether, but you do need to identify where your authentic self naturally emerges.
Having realised I’ve been wearing a mask for most of my adult life, I’ve started to ask myself: “Where do I feel like I don’t need to perform?” Those rare relationships and spaces where you feel safe to exist without an elaborate show or careful calculation are precious indicators of both who your authentic self really is and what it really needs.
If you’re struggling to identify genuine friendships or environments, try carrying a small notebook for a week or keep a specific note on your phone. Jot down moments when you notice your shoulders relaxing or when you speak without mentally editing yourself first. Note how you feel afterwards, too, similar to point 1. Patterns will soon emerge.
3. Practice the “five whys” self-questioning method to discover your genuine motivations beneath surface-level desires.
The “five whys” technique, originally developed by Sakichi Toyoda for Toyota’s manufacturing process, works remarkably well for personal insight, too. When making a choice or feeling a strong emotion, ask yourself “why” five consecutive times.
Your first answers often reflect conditioned responses or social expectations. By the fourth or fifth why, you’ll typically reach more authentic territory.
For example: Why do I want that promotion? For more money. Why do I want more money? For security. Why do I want security? So I don’t end up struggling like my parents. Why does that matter? Because I associate financial stability with freedom. Why is freedom important? Because without it, I can’t pursue my true interests in art and travel.
The beauty of this method lies in how simple it is. You don’t need any special equipment or training—just honest curiosity and self-reflection about your own motivations. And when practiced regularly, this technique can help to distinguish between your genuine desires and those you’ve absorbed from others.
4. Try new things without commitment to discover your authentic preferences.
Many of us formed our “likes” and “dislikes” years ago, often to fit in with peers or please authority figures. Carrying out “micro-experiments” challenges these assumptions without getting overwhelmed, because the stakes are much lower.
This could be something as simple as ordering a different dish at your favorite restaurant or as bold as taking a class in something you’ve always dismissed. The only commitment you’re making is to the experience itself, not to becoming “the kind of person who does X.”
It’s important here to approach new experiences with genuine curiosity rather than to seek approval or attention, i.e., try activities for their own sake, not for how they’ll look on social media. Preferably, you wouldn’t even tell other people what you’re doing as you risk their reaction, positive or negative, influencing your reaction to the experience. Once you’ve tried it out, you can then take note of your genuine reaction, free from others’ expectations or opinions.
5. Implement social media fasting periods to reduce external influence and hear your authentic inner voice more clearly.
Our feeds constantly bombard us with curated lifestyles, manufactured outrage, and unrealistic standards—all competing to shape our values and desires. Taking regular breaks from this noise allows your authentic voice to resurface.
You needn’t delete all your accounts permanently, unless you want to. Even short social media breaks, like a weekend, a specific time of day, or one platform at a time, can significantly impact your clarity.
The initial discomfort many feel during these breaks reveals how dependent we’ve become on external validation and distraction from our authentic selves. I can personally attest to this, as I’ve recently deleted my social media apps. But push through this phase, and something remarkable happens: your own thoughts, preferences, and creative impulses begin to reemerge.
When returning to social platforms after a break, you’ll likely notice how manufactured much of the content feels. This awareness helps maintain healthier boundaries even when engaged.
6. Use a pause before automatically agreeing to requests and practice saying “no” to commitments that don’t align with your values.
The space between a request and your response is where authenticity grows. So before automatically saying “yes” to anything, author and coach, Dr Lisa J. Lucas says you should permit yourself to pause, even just for a few seconds, to consider whether what you really want is to say “no.”
During the pause, check in with your body. Does tension arise at the thought of agreeing? If so, that’s valuable data about your authentic desires.
For the people pleasers among us, saying “no” will feel impossibly difficult. So start with gentler phrases like, “Let me check my schedule,” “Can I think about it?” or “That doesn’t work for me right now.”
You need to remember that your time and energy are finite resources. You can never get more of them. Spending them on obligations that don’t align with your values will inevitably lead to resentment and burnout.
Once declining requests become easier, you’ll notice something surprising: the world doesn’t end, and most people respect clear boundaries. And those who don’t probably weren’t respecting your authentic self anyway.
7. Identify and eliminate your most common people-pleasing phrases.
Often, certain go-to phrases we use act as verbal masks, hiding our genuine thoughts behind social niceties. People-pleasing phrases such as “Whatever you want” or “I don’t mind” are common culprits, as are excessive apologies, qualifiers like “just” and “actually,” and deflective humor that undercuts your own points.
Look for these, or other recurring phrases that you use to soften your actual opinion or avoid potential conflict.
Once identified, try eliminating one people-pleasing phrase at a time. As these verbal masks fall away, not only does your communication become more genuine, but also more concise and impactful.
8. Create boundaries through simple, prepared responses.
Boundaries protect your authentic self from being diminished by others’ demands. Many people struggle with setting and enforcing boundaries, and so having ready-made responses prevents you from being caught off-guard in difficult moments.
Although you’re preparing them in advance, it’s important that your boundary-setting phrases should feel natural coming from you, not scripted or confrontational unless that aligns with your personality. The goal is to be comfortably assertive.
The most effective boundary statements combine clarity with brevity. “I can’t take that on right now” works better than lengthy explanations that invite negotiation.
When first implementing this approach, start with lower-stakes situations where the emotions aren’t running high. Save more challenging boundaries for when the technique feels natural.
9. Develop a personal mantra for challenging situations.
When external pressure threatens to override your authentic voice, a personal mantra can anchor you back to yourself. These phrases work best when short, meaningful, and personally resonant.
Your mantra might be as simple as “This is my life” or as specific as “I trust my own judgment here.” Anything that connects you with your deeper self.
Like affirmations, the effectiveness of mantras increases with consistent use. Practice yours during calm moments so it’s readily available during challenges.
For particularly difficult situations, writing your mantra on a small card or setting it as your phone background can provide concrete reinforcement. Simply seeing the words can serve as a reminder and interrupt automatic people-pleasing patterns.
If you find yourself returning to certain challenging scenarios repeatedly, customize specific mantras for those contexts—one for family gatherings, another for work situations, and so on.
10. Develop a signature style that truly reflects your personality.
It’s a sad fact that many people dress to fit in rather than express their authentic selves. The key question you need to ask yourself here isn’t “What’s trendy?” but rather “What makes me feel most like myself?”, “What makes me feel comfortable?” and “What practical needs does my lifestyle have?”
From a personal perspective, I spent many years wearing clothes that I felt uncomfortable in. Not because they didn’t fit my personality per se, but because they went against the sensory needs I experienced, and I felt a pressure to look “dressy” and feminine rather than casual.
As I’ve got older and more comfortable in myself, I’ve realised that if other people judge me for not looking dressed up enough, that’s on them. I’ve learned to be unapologetically me. I choose clothes that look nice (to me), but they are primarily chosen for comfort.
If fashion leaves you feeling lost at sea, experiment with one element at a time—perhaps a signature color, accessory, or item that feels right. For me, it’s relaxed jeans and everything else follows that.
Your authentic style will likely evolve over time, just as you do. After all, most people don’t like the same clothes at 20 that they do at 60. What matters is that your choices come from internal preference rather than external pressure to look or dress a certain way.
11. Practice being honest about your preferences in low-stakes situations first.
Many of us habitually conceal our true preferences in small daily decisions, like where to eat, what movie to watch, and how to spend our free time. These moments of inauthenticity might seem trivial, but they accumulate, training us to disconnect from our genuine desires.
If saying what you want is completely foreign territory to you, it’s best to start small, in low-risk situations. When asked where you’d like to have lunch, pause before automatically deferring and ask yourself. “What do I actually want?”
If expressing your preferences directly feels uncomfortable, begin with phrases like “I’m leaning toward…” or “I’d slightly prefer…”
Who knows, your genuine preferences might surprise you after years of automatic accommodation. Some people discover they’ve been agreeing to activities they actively dislike just to avoid potential conflict.
12. Track your progress.
Becoming more authentic occurs gradually, often in ways too subtle to notice on a day-to-day basis. That’s why it’s important to track your growth.
The format can be simple, perhaps something like a monthly check-in, noting areas where you’ve expressed yourself more genuinely or made choices aligned with your values. It can help to keep a note of them as you go along so that you don’t forget or miss any. And it’s important to include both successes and challenges.
It might be helpful to track the different domains of your life separately, such as work, relationships, hobbies, etc., to observe how authentically you’re showing up. Keep a lookout for patterns that show progress or difficulties in certain areas compared to others.
When reviewing your inventory, be compassionate about areas where authenticity feels more challenging. These often indicate important value conflicts, deeply ingrained habits, or situations where you simply don’t feel safe to be yourself, rather than personal failings.
Over time, this practice reveals not just how you’re becoming more authentic, but which specific environments and relationships most support your genuine self-expression.
Final thoughts…
The journey toward authenticity doesn’t require grand gestures or complete transformation overnight. These small, practical steps create space for your genuine self to emerge naturally. What makes these approaches particularly valuable is their accessibility—they fit into real life without demanding major upheavals.
As you implement even a few of these practices, you’ll likely notice a growing sense of congruence between your inner and outer worlds. This alignment brings not just personal satisfaction but often improves relationships as others respond to your more authentic presence.
Remember that authenticity isn’t about perfection—it’s about honoring your genuine experience while remaining connected to others. Sometimes we do need to wear a mask in order to protect ourselves. So long as we don’t become the mask, and can take it off more than we wear it, we’re on the path to creating a life that is genuinely ours.
