In a world where fake has never been more prevalent, there are still droves of people who are keen to source authentic characters to be around. After all, it may seem easy to paint on a smile, agree with everybody, and act perfectly, but is it worth it? Dropping the mask and letting people see the real you means you then gain real connections, which are worth their weight in gold.
But for many of us, it’s easier said than done. So where do we start? Well, we’ve got 9 laws of dropping that mask, and making room for who you really are underneath it all. And there’s never been a better time than the present moment to let go and celebrate your true self. Here’s how:
1. Notice your people-pleasing moments.
If you want to allow people to know the real you, then the behavioral pattern of constantly pleasing them will be your permanent blocker. The mask worn by people-pleasers was forged through their need for approval and their fear of being rejected.
These kinds of people tend to be agreeable and will prioritize the needs of everybody else (quite literally), in order to keep the peace. But in the long run, there’s no inner peace for anybody who abandons themselves in the service of another.
Often, it’s become so ingrained that we don’t even realize we’re doing it, though. So if you can start to notice your people-pleasing moments, and where you find yourself abandoning what you think or need to keep some kind of status quo, that’s the first step. The next step is retraining your brain gradually, over time, to accept that you don’t need to make everybody else happy at your own expense, nor do you need their approval in order to be worthy. You are worthy just because you exist.
2. Allow yourself to not know things.
He who knows everything shall never impress.
Okay, I made that up, but doesn’t it sound rather fitting?
Nobody likes a know-it-all, but mostly, it’s just normal not to know everything. It’s perfectly alright to go into a conversation and admit to not being clued up on a subject. In fact, if you’re holding your hands up and being honest, people will probably like and respect you more. It’s real to be human, and not a walking encyclopedia. A little humility goes a long way in relationships, whatever type they might be.
True connection comes from learning from each other. So in fact, if you are a little stumped on a subject, it’s a great opportunity for somebody who does know to teach you something, and bond at the same time.
3. Accept that you won’t be liked by everybody.
There are some people out there who hate the sweet, nutty, chocolatey delight that is Nutella (yes, really). People are no different.
Accepting that not everybody is going to like us might be hard for those of us who base our self-worth on validation and compliments, but we don’t have to live that way. In fact, if you learn to accept this truth, you will, by nature, allow people to see the real you.
The mask so many people wear looks like, “I have to get everybody to like me.” They adapt to every conversation they have, depending on who it’s being held with. They will change their opinion, thoughts, and beliefs to suit, with the hope that everybody will walk away thinking how lovely they are.
I say stop. You don’t have to be rude, but it’s just a fact of life that no matter what you do, some will love you, and some won’t. So don’t lose any sleep over it, especially if you want people to see who you really are.
4. Send perfectionism packing.
Hidden behind the perfect image is usually a person who is low on confidence and self-esteem. They prim and preen themselves to be seen outwardly as a person who takes the time to present well, but what’s going on behind the facade?
In all honesty, it’s usually a person who doesn’t know how to love and be themselves without the fixtures. Take away the need to be, look, or act perfectly, and you’re left with – you guessed it – a human being!
To want to be perfect is a fruitless task, because “perfect” is subjective. As the saying goes, you can be the ripest, juiciest peach on the tree, but some people just don’t like peaches. Instead, aim for good enough. Yes, having high standards is no bad thing, but not when they come at the expense of your health and authenticity.
5. Notice when you are mirroring.
Have you ever mirrored, or noticed anybody mirroring you? It’s a classic behavior that often contributes to the chameleon effect, and it describes how people, often subconsciously but sometimes with conscious awareness, mimic another person’s presentation, gestures, or even patterns of speech.
It’s a behavior that screams, “Wow, we seem to be getting on so well, with so much in common!” If you want to act like you have everything in common with somebody, mirroring will add weight to that.
But, and it’s a big but, why would you want to? Though it has a time and a place, taken to extremes, it can result in complete self-abandonment or masking of your true self. Being the real you means you laugh in the way you laugh, or you have your own quirks and mannerisms. If you only form a connection through mimicking someone’s behaviors, you need to ask yourself whether it’s really a connection.
As this is often an unconscious behavior, or has become that way over time, bringing it to conscious awareness is key. So next time you’re in conversation, pause for a moment and check in: are you laughing the way they laugh, nodding when they nod, or suddenly sharing a passion for something you’d never given a second thought to before? Once you can spot the mask going on in real time, you can begin to loosen its grip on you.
6. Showing your quirks will attract the right people.
Quirkiness! That’s where I want to apply my focus for this point, because I don’t want to underestimate what makes you, you. There’s nobody like you in the entire world, and the people you should actually want beside you are those who are drawn to your unique energy or quirky ways vibe. Those people are your tribe.
It doesn’t matter if you’re naturally loud, quiet, or anything in particular; it’s just what differentiates you from everybody else. Own it and show it off. The only way you can do that is if you drop the mask and show the world who is underneath. So be wonderfully unique!
7. Allow silences to just be.
I know somebody who always feels the need to fill every conversational silence with a question. They can’t bear to just sit in it for a moment and enjoy being. I personally don’t find silences awkward; I feel they add to the curves of connection.
How does this link to authenticity, you might be wondering? Well, think about it this way: someone who is truly comfortable in their own skin doesn’t feel the need to perform, or to fill every gap with noise. They’re not reaching for words to seem more interesting or knowledgeable or worth other people’s time.
You don’t need to fill everything with words. You don’t constantly need to impress or entertain anyone. Give people room to breathe and space to absorb what’s going on.
It’s a beautiful thing if you can get to a point where silences are okay, and when you’re confident in that state, those around you will feed off that, too.
8. Value your values.
We all have different values, and that’s what makes the world so interesting. It’s not a part of humankind that’s celebrated enough. It’s as if we are all supposed to agree, or be punished.
Some people may value their mental and emotional health more than others, while others may prefer to work on their physical health. Some might prefer a diet of anything and everything, while others may omit a certain food group out of choice, ethics, or religious reasons. Some value gentle words, whereas others prefer direct honesty. There is no right or wrong, just different ways of viewing the world.
Valuing who you are means you allow everybody to see the real you. You don’t surrender a value to fit in; you show people what sets you apart and keep to it. Unless, of course, new information and perspectives cause you to choose to change your values because you want to. You simply cannot be truly happy and at peace when you’re not living in alignment with your core values, and it’s a waste of time to try.
(And, FYI, you’ll never catch me surrendering peanut butter cups!)
9. Give approval the cold shoulder.
Approval-seeking behavior will only seek to wreck your self-worth, so it’s time to give it the cold shoulder if you want to show people the real you. The renowned psychologist Carl Rogers had a concept he called conditions of worth. It’s the idea that when we grow up only feeling valued or accepted when we meet certain expectations of others, we internalize the belief that we are only worthy of love and approval if we behave in particular ways. Sound familiar?
The problem is, when we live by those conditions, we don’t show up as ourselves. We show up as whoever we think will earn us the approval we’re seeking. Rogers believed that what we truly need instead is unconditional positive regard. That is, acceptance that isn’t earned or conditional on our performance or behavior.
In other words, you shouldn’t base your worth on who approves of you. There’s just no point in chasing how somebody might feel about what you say or do, because the goalposts are ever-moving, and they are just one person with their own issues and life experiences driving their opinions and behavior. Instead, do it for you. That is how your mask can fall and reveal the authentic you.
Final thoughts…
While I’m a great fan of the phrase, “In a world where you can be anything, be kind,” I feel the phrase, “In a world where you can be anything, be you,” is underestimated.
If you want people to see who you really are, the mask that has perhaps disguised you from entering the world fully needs to drop. It may have felt like a veil of protection for all these years, but it has become a block between the real you and the rest of the world. It’s time to let it go and celebrate the person underneath.
