Life isn’t always gentle or fair. In fact, it can be downright cruel at times.
As such, a lot of people will have the experience of finding themselves in a pit of despair due to unforeseen circumstances, wrong choices, and/or excruciating situations that were completely out of their control.
Those who manage to climb out of that kind of a hole may find their way to real happiness in life, but they likely experienced a great deal of hardship along the way.
These are some of the hard-won perspectives they’ve developed during their journey that may help you if you’re going through something similar:
1. Don’t take anything for granted — even the seemingly smallest things.
There’s a good chance that you slept in a bed with a blanket and pillow last night, and had enough to eat and drink today.
At this very moment, you’re not constantly looking around yourself for potential threats. You could take a shower if you wanted to, and have clean clothes to change into.
A person who has experienced life in a pit has likely experienced times when those things simply weren’t an option for one reason or another.
They probably experienced difficulties that most people cannot imagine, and that changes their perspective on life.
Personally speaking, after experiencing homelessness, I can’t begin to tell you how grateful I am for a warm bed, regular meals, and the safety of four walls.
Others who have also climbed out from hellish pits share the same perspective and don’t take anything for granted.
2. Everything in your life is fixable as long as you’re still breathing.
A lot of people stress out and panic about various things in their lives that are going wrong, and that’s understandable. They fear they can’t handle what might happen.
In contrast, someone who has been to hell and back again knows that as long as they’re still alive, things can be fixed.
Solutions can be found for any problem an individual is dealing with. Those solutions may not be quick fixes, of course. Some may require significant financial input, help from others, or may take a long time to straighten out, but they can be done eventually.
The only time there is zero chance that something can be fixed is if you’ve stopped breathing.
3. Having a goal or purpose is vital for forward momentum.
Quite often, a person who’s sat at the bottom of a hole won’t have the impetus to crawl out unless they have a goal to strive towards.
They often feel so defeated that they won’t take action to free themselves solely for their own sakes, so they need to have a purpose to get them moving again.
For example, one guy I knew quit drinking and got himself sorted out so he could get shared custody of his kid again.
In order for that to happen, he needed to have a safe place to live and a dependable source of income. That was his purpose, and although it took him a year to get there, he made it happen.
People can get through the worst ordeals imaginable if they have a goal or purpose to fight for.
4. Having been in a hole, you’ll fight your hardest to stay out of them in the future.
You’ve probably noticed that most people who have experienced a bad injury and recovered try to avoid scenarios where that could happen again.
Similarly, those who have climbed out of a hole life put them in and found their way to happiness usually do everything they can to avoid falling into any other holes.
They don’t just “wing it” like others do, but instead put safeguards into place to ensure that they won’t end up in similar circumstances in the future.
They might keep money in a few different bank accounts, for example. Similarly, if they find themselves sliding back into familiar, detrimental behaviors, they’ll check those as quickly as possible.
They might need assistance from friends or healthcare providers to do so, but they’re determined to remain on solid ground permanently.
5. Trust what people do and not just what they say.
This may sound a little cynical, but those who have clawed their way out of horrible pits have usually learned that what people say and what they actually do are two very different things.
As a result, they’ll trust in a person’s true nature, rather than their potentially empty promises.
Essentially, it’s like in the tale of the scorpion riding the frog’s back across the river. The scorpion can’t help but adhere to its base nature, stinging the frog as they cross, even though it drowns them both.
Individuals with hard-won wisdom have learned to look at life for what it is, rather than holding to potential.
They have learned that a person’s word only has value if they keep it. It’s only by their actions that they’ll prove their honesty and reliability. And a person whose actions consistently match their promises is worth their weight in rubies.
“The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be — and when they’re not, we cry” – David Duchovny.
6. Be very cautious with people who are nice to you when you’re doing well, as they’ll often disappear as soon as you aren’t.
When you’re at the top of the mountain, everyone wants to be your friend.
If you’re buying rounds of drinks at the bar, you’ll suddenly have a dozen new pals clamoring to be your new best bud. You’ll also be far more attractive to others, who’ll flirt with you as long as the drinks keep flowing.
As soon as it stops, however, they’ll turn around and go home with your best friend.
Those who have crawled out of the depths of the most miserable holes imaginable have usually learned this the hard way.
They are now fully aware that the people who bluster a great deal about how much you mean to them when things are going well are usually the first to flee when the going gets tough.
As such, be very wary of anyone who’s loud and proud about how much integrity they have, or how principled and decent they are. Truly principled people don’t need to shout about it: it’s evident in everything they do.
7. Be wary of those who seem overly altruistic.
Those who put a great deal of time and effort into helping those less fortunate than themselves are truly admirable people.
I’ve known a lot of sincerely good folks who do their utmost to make this world a better place; for example, community leaders I knew who did outreach work to feed the homeless.
That said, there are many, many wolves in sheep’s clothing who may do you harm under the guise of wanting to “help” you.
The person who offers you a safe place to stay in exchange for labor on their property might take and hide your ID so you can’t leave, for example.
You may sincerely want to accept people at face value and believe that they’re actually the kind, generous individuals they appear to be, but always tread cautiously.
Even if it hurts their feelings for you to do so, taking care of yourself has to be top priority.
8. Those who liked you in that hole you were in may try to course-correct you back into it.
It’s a difficult truth to acknowledge that some of the people you’re closest to in life may prefer you in that hole you managed to claw your way out of.
You fulfilled a role in their lives that might have made them feel strong or superior in some fashion. And now that you’re on equal ground to them, that upsets or even threatens the dynamic they had established with you.
As a result, they may try to sabotage your efforts in an attempt to slide you back into the pit.
As such, keep your guard up and watch for changed behaviors in those who are closest to you.
For example, a family member who was generous and benevolent towards you when you were an inebriated mess might try to coerce you into “just having a little drink” now that you’re clean and sober.
They liked the dynamic they had with you in the past, and would like to re-establish that, even if only on a subconscious level.
Final thoughts…
In one of my favorite episodes of Sharpe, Sergeant Harper counselled his troops:
“There’s no sin in being born in the dirt, boys… but it’s a terrible sin to want to stay there.”
A person who has fought hard to climb out of the hole life dumped them into knows what it’s like to hit rock bottom, but they did their damnedest to rise up and out of that muck.
It takes more effort than most will ever realize to do that, and the lessons they learned along the way offered them solid perspectives that many will never truly understand.
