I feel like we all know somebody like this, don’t we? In each of our lives is a person who wants to claim whatever time and energy we have, without considering what that might be doing to us.
I cannot fathom feeling that entitled, but I do know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of these kinds of people.
For a long time, you tolerate them, until eventually, a switch flips. You realize these energy vampires are sucking the life out of you, leaving nothing for you at the end of each day.
If you’re not there yet, here are 7 subtle behaviors to look out for.
People who behave in these 7 ways feel like they are deserving of your time and energy:
1. They assume you’re free to talk to them without checking first.
They call, you’re busy, but you answer, just in case it’s urgent (it’s not). Does it matter what you’re doing? Nope! They launch into it anyway.
Whenever I call anyone I know, they answer with the usual “Hello?”, and my response is always, “Are you good to talk?”
You’d be surprised how frequently I hear back, “Erm, yeah, well, I’m actually about to hop into the shower,” or “I just got in the car about to drive.”
Okay, cool, call me back when you’re free. It’s no bother to me unless there is an actual emergency.
It’s cool to me because I don’t feel entitled to every minute of everyone else’s day, and I only wish others felt the same.
Just because someone is trying to get hold of you, you don’t have to stop what you’re doing to appease them, especially if you have your own emergency going on.
2. They roll your “one tiny favor” into ten.
Quite fitting to drop the infamous quote of, “Give an inch, and they take a mile” here, isn’t it?
Never has it been truer than when someone takes the one small thing you said you’d do for them, and turns it into a dozen favors that roll from one to the other.
Imagine your friend is moving, and you’ve offered to take over some boxes for them to pack. You bring them over, and your friend asks if you want to stay for a coffee, so you say yes.
As you take that sweet (or bitter) first sip, your friend asks if you could “just help pack up the books on the side” into a box.
You do, and then your friend tells you how great you are at packing, and asks if you could just start labelling the other boxes, too…
Before you know it, you’ve spent the day there, even though you had errands to run yourself. You go home at the end of that day feeling drained and too exhausted to do anything else.
One good deed has turned your day into a write-off, and you’re never going to get that time back. It’s nice to help, but with these kinds of people, you have to know where to draw the line.
3. They have emergencies that everything else – including your problems – have to stop for.
“I need you!” “You have to come over!” “You will never believe what’s just happened!”
Suddenly, you have to run to their aid, but the roles are never reversed. You’re not allowed to have emergencies, but these people are.
What’s more, their frequent “emergencies” seem to happen at suspiciously convenient times. You’re expected to treat those so-called emergencies with the same urgency they do, which is an awful lot of time and energy to give to someone who treats your emergencies like jokes.
(And, of course, yours actually are genuine emergencies, because you don’t take advantage of other people’s kindness as they do.)
You’ll know who these people are because when you have real-life stuff going on, and you look around, they’ll be the ones who are never there.
The only thing that is anywhere near you is that giant ball of tumbleweed.
4. When other priorities crop up for you, they become frosty.
Always the way, isn’t it? You agree to look after your friend’s toddler because she has to go to work. It’s fun, and you enjoyed it. She asks you if she can leave her child with you again next week, “seeing as you have so much fun together.”
Reluctantly, you agree; I mean, it was a nice time. Week three comes, and you find that you’re now a regular part of your friend’s calendar.
Does it matter that you actually have things to do, or work to go to? Does it matter that you don’t, but you just want some time for yourself?
No to both.
So you do the thing you’ve been dreading and send the text. “It’s been so lovely looking after Thomas, but I just can’t commit to it every week like I wish I could.”
Two minutes later comes the passive-aggressive reply. “No problem. I thought you’d enjoy it, but don’t worry, I’ll just have to try to find a preschool I can afford.”
You don’t hear from your friend again for weeks, even months. You went from regular contact to frosty, and it’s the same outcome for other scenarios, too.
If you’re only good enough when you do what they want, then that’s no real friend at all.
5. When you apply boundaries, they tell you that you’ve ‘changed’ – and not for the better.
Boundaries are best viewed as internal guidelines. They are limits you need to implement in order to be okay.
Why, then, should anyone else use them against you? Why, when you’ve decided to take charge of your wellbeing, are you being described as changing for the worse?
Long story short, it’s because those who once felt entitled to your life, time, and energy are now having to wait in line for you to allow them access, if you grant it at all.
They’ve gotten used to taking advantage of you, and now they’re taken aback by your choice to prioritize yourself and what you want.
“You’ve changed.”
It can be said with a smile, or a quizzical frown. Either way, this person knows what’s happening, and they aren’t a fan.
That doesn’t mean you have to backtrack on your boundaries, though. In fact, it’s all the more reason they ought to stay.
6. They try to make you feel guilty when you’ve already got plans.
“Oh, so you’re going without me?” “I’d have loved to have come along.” “I’m surprised you didn’t ask me, you know I love that sort of thing.”
In other words, if they could paint a sign that says, “THANKS FOR NOT INVITING ME, YOU’RE SO THOUGHTLESS!”, and wave it in front of your face, they would.
Instead, they’re more subtle. But that doesn’t stop their entitlement creeping through.
They hear you’re going somewhere, and they know they aren’t a part of it. Does it matter when they go places and never ask you? Nooo! That’s different. That doesn’t count.
Because it’s you. They want your time and energy regardless of how finite it is, so they’ll make their dissatisfaction known with a side of guilt tripping and emotional manipulation thrown in for good measure.
7. They turn up uninvited because they assume no plans means available.
You say you have no plans on Friday evening, and suddenly, you hear a knock at the door. You told the wrong person that you’re going to be home, and they’ve assumed you’ll be fine with a few drinks and takeout, even though you’d planned on just winding down from your busy week at work.
What little time and energy you have left now has to go into making conversation.
It’s the not asking, right? It’s the not checking whether you actually wanted company.
That’s what is so pushy about these people: they assume that just because you’re doing nothing, you must want to replace it with something.
Not everybody likes a full schedule. Some people just want to unwind and be.
I know I do!
Final thoughts…
When someone feels entitled to you, your energy, and your time, they may not always be obvious about it. At times, they can be so subtle that you find yourself giving it all away before you realize what’s really going on.
You get to the end of the day, and you just feel exhausted. What was supposed to be your time ended up being theirs.
When we can spot those behaviors, it can make it a whole lot easier to protect that time and energy.
And when you start doing that? That’s where everything changes for the better.
