Passive-aggression is the behavior of people who don’t feel secure and strong enough to handle their issues directly. That can be a problem for everyone involved, because that kind of behavior can poison a social environment. It causes resentment, stress, and other bad behaviors that make it difficult to function peacefully.
Alternatively, passive-aggression may also be an attempt to manipulate. It’s tempting to get angry and call passive-aggressive people out on their behavior, but that only makes it easier for them to paint themselves as a victim. “Why are you getting so mad? I didn’t do anything.” You won’t get anywhere.
Instead, emotional intelligence is the solution. So, what do emotionally intelligent people do in that situation? Let’s have a look…
1. They stay calm instead of reacting with anger to the bait.
Emotionally intelligent people understand that a defensive reaction will only reinforce the other person’s bad behavior. Instead of engaging in a hostile way, the emotionally intelligent person stays grounded and composed so that they can respond with clarity. That way, they can maintain control of the situation altogether.
It’s much harder for the passive-aggressive person to control the narrative if you’re not perceived as the aggressor. They’re used to this, so they’re not going to get angry easily while practicing their passive-aggression. They want to bait you into an argument because they know they can manipulate you that way.
This isn’t always a conscious choice. It sounds actively malicious, but as WebMD informs us, for a lot of people, it comes from a place of hurt and trauma. Sometimes, they do it because they learned they couldn’t be direct without getting hit, screamed at, or whatever other terrible things that happened to them.
2. They calmly and clearly call out what’s happening.
You don’t want to spend your time overanalyzing or ignoring this bad behavior. There’s no need to overanalyze it. People are passive-aggressive when they want to avoid conflict, or they are trying to manipulate you. That’s it. No reason to think any deeper on it. Ignoring the bad behavior just encourages it. They’ll do it again.
So, instead, try gently pointing out, “Hey. It sounds like you’re upset about something? Do you want to talk about it?” By phrasing it this way, you’re addressing the issue without accusing or being angry. Accusing is what they want because then they can flip the narrative and take control.
Once you ask this question, you’ve now taken the steering wheel of the conversation and can drive it toward a successful resolution, if the other person is willing to talk.
3. They don’t take passive-aggression personally.
It’s much easier to be kind and navigate the situation when you understand that passive-aggression doesn’t come from a healthy place. As Psychology Today informs us, it comes from trauma, abuse, and a general lack of respect for that person by whoever hurt them. And that was probably someone important to them, like a parent.
They may not have had the chance to address or heal from that trauma, yet. Do you deserve to have to deal with that? No. You don’t. But, unfortunately, sometimes we just don’t get that choice. Sometimes we do just have to do the best that we can with the wounded people of the world who don’t always act the best.
4. They set clear boundaries for communication.
Emotionally intelligent people will make their boundaries for communication clear if the other person continues to act with indirect hostility. They say something like, “I’m happy to talk about this, but only if we can discuss it directly.” That puts the ball in their court, opening the doors for conversation to work toward a solution.
Communication is the antidote to a lot of bad behavior. Personally, I had some problems with passive-aggression myself due to my autism. Many autistic people have this quirk about them, where they have a hard time interpreting and communicating their emotions in the moment. So, to avoid getting overwhelmed and overloaded, I would use passive-aggression to divert the conversation without actually addressing it.
That was bad, and it screwed up a lot of friendships and relationships. Now, the way I handle it is I just tell the person I need some time to think, so I can articulate what is going on in my head. It’s as simple as that.
5. They display the behavior that they want returned.
If you want honest, respectful communication, then you need to approach conversations with honesty and respect. Directness does not have to be an angry confrontation. Angry confrontation just makes people defensive and causes them to dig in their heels. It doesn’t help anyone.
Now, keep in mind the reason for passive-aggression. People develop that habit because they were in situations where they couldn’t be direct and honest. They had to develop this maladaptive coping skill to survive. Because of that, they aren’t necessarily going to trust attempts to engage because engagement is what hurt them before.
But if you approach your conversations with honesty and respect, and you don’t fly off the handle about the situation, they will see that they can be safe with you. It encourages them to lower their defenses and show vulnerability, which is how you address the problem.
6. They ask questions instead of assuming intent.
Cognitive biases are common negative thought patterns that people fall into, often without realizing it. One of those cognitive biases is mind-reading. That is, assigning motives or intent to someone based on what you think they are thinking. However, you can never really know exactly what someone else is thinking. You’re not a mind-reader.
This behavior often makes things much worse because if you’re wrong, then they may be offended that you think you can read their mind. Alternatively, an incorrect assumption could skew the information you are interpreting, instead of just receiving their words to make sense of them.
Don’t try to figure them out or guess. Just ask, and withhold judgment until you have the correct information.
7. They don’t reward the behavior with their attention.
Rewarding bad behavior with attention just encourages the person to continue that same tactic. Whether consciously or subconsciously, the person is looking to exert control in the conversation so they can direct how it goes. That’s a way for them to manage the negative emotions driving the behavior, so it’s not rational.
Instead of rewarding the behavior with attention, try to engage them directly. If they will not engage directly, then it may be most prudent to distance yourself from the conversation. Let them stew in whatever they have going on and inform them, “It doesn’t seem like you want to talk right now. How about we come back to this later?”
Then exit the conversations as gracefully as possible.
8. They know when to disengage to protect their peace.
People don’t always immediately respond well to someone’s boundaries. There are some people out there who just won’t take the hint, no matter what you do. It’s good to give people a time or two to convince themselves it’s a good idea to open up and be direct. Remember, this behavior is coming from a place of trauma, so it’s not necessarily rational.
But if they just flat out refuse or don’t try, it may just be best to move on. People with well-developed emotional intelligence understand that not every relationship can be salvaged or saved – and that’s just the way it is.
Final thoughts…
The unfortunate truth is that there are a lot of wounded people in the world, and they don’t always act well or right. Many of the angry and bad behaviors we see are the result of trauma, and other wounded people acting out of the irrationality of their wounds. That doesn’t make it okay, but it happens.
The key to navigating those people and preserving your peace is healthy boundaries. With healthy boundaries, you keep these people from causing harm to you because you’re not close enough to them to be harmed. Protect your space!
