Have you ever felt completely drained after an interaction with someone? If so, that person is likely an energy vampire, and will suck out your will to live every time you interact with them. They come in different flavors, of course, so you’ll need to be vigilant. The key is to learn how to identify them so you can find a way to remove them from your inner circle as quickly as possible.
1. The attention hog.
They’ll talk about everything that interests them or that’s going on in their lives without taking a breather, and on the off chance that you manage to get a word in edgewise, they’ll barely acknowledge it before redirecting the conversation back to what they’d prefer to talk about. Before you know it, you’ve just spent several hours listening to all the details of their crossfit routine, or a complete history of how Old Norse became modern English.
Essentially, these energy vampires completely dominate conversations and don’t seem to notice if and when the people they’re talking at have slid into comas and fallen off their chairs.
It’s worth noting that this type of behavior can also happen with neurodivergent folk, such as those who are autistic, ADHD (or AuDHD), because they get so excited about sharing their special interest that they may not realize that it’s becoming draining to others (usually those who are neurotypical). They aren’t being rude; they are simply wired differently. And actually, when two neurodivergent people get together, they often find this affectionately termed “info dumping” extremely enjoyable and rejuvenating.
2. The negative Nelly.
This is the person who never has anything positive to say and who has a remarkable ability to suck the joy out of any situation. You could have just gotten married or won the lottery, and they’ll still find a negative spin to put on it.
These negative energy vampires view the world through the lens of doom and gloom and are determined to drag everyone else down with them. Even the most positive souls can be crushed by these people.
When confronted about their negativity, they’ll often defend it as “just being realistic” or claim they’re only trying to spare you heartache. They’re not. They’re simply projecting their own insecurities and unhappiness onto everyone around them. If they can’t respect your need for a more balanced perspective, it may be time to remove them from your inner circle.
3. The leech.
This is the type of person who “just wants to be close to you” at all times. I had an ex like this, and he rarely gave me a moment’s peace. If I went into another room to read, he’d follow me because he missed me, and if I fell asleep on the couch, he’d wake me up to come to bed because he wanted me close to him.
People who display this type of anxious attachment style don’t truly see others as autonomous individuals: they see them as means by which they get their own needs met. This could be reassurance, physical affection, attention, stability, or any other number of different comforts that you provide to them.
It’s a behavior that often stems from a fear of abandonment, and they don’t realize just how much energy they’re vamping or how much damage they’re doing with their neediness. If you’ve tried to establish boundaries with someone like this and they simply aren’t stopping that behavior, the healthiest course of action is to distance yourself from them.
4. The 911 caller.
To an energy vampire like this, everything is a crisis. They often seek out drama and unhealthy relationships, and then turn to everyone around them for support and comfort. These are the ones who will call you at three a.m., asking you to come get them or talk them down from doing something stupid, and keep repeating the same behavioral patterns without learning anything from their experiences.
Be aware that if you try to remove an energy vampire like this from your inner circle, they’ll likely go on the attack with accusations of abandonment. They’ll cry, and guilt trip you, and promise to be better, and might even get abusive if you double down on your decision, so brace yourself.
5. The interferer.
You might encounter this kind of energy vampirism in a neighbor or relative who constantly sticks their nose into everything without being invited to do so. They offer unsolicited advice, attempt to micromanage other people’s behavior, visit without an invitation, buy clothes or personal products for you, and might even take it upon themselves to speak for you in various circumstances.
When they’re called out on this behavior, they’ll play the victim and insist that they’re “just trying to help”, and imply that the person who’s trying to set a boundary simply doesn’t appreciate how much time and effort is being put towards their benefit. Dealing with them is exhausting because they simply don’t listen or respect what’s being said, so the only option is to remove them or distance yourself from them.
6. The attention-seeking buzzkill.
This type of energy vampire generally martyrs themselves for other people’s benefit, and then complains about how badly they’re treated. Any time someone mentions something good going on in their life, they’ll respond by saying that it must be nice to experience that, since their life is so miserable and they’re taken advantage of, etc.
You’ve likely come across this type in the comments section on YouTube and other social media platforms. Someone will post a great song or a video, and the downer vampire will share a story about how this song reminds them of the love of their life, who died of some horrible disease recently. Essentially, they’re trying to farm attention and sympathy through misery, and end up bringing everyone else down with them in the process.
8. The interruptor.
There are few things as draining as having to pick up and regroup from what you were concentrating on (or what you were saying) when you were interrupted. Unfortunately, one of the most common energy vampires is the type who feels that they’re entitled to your attention at all times, especially when you’re doing your own thing. They might leave you alone for hours until you immerse yourself in something that requires concentration, at which point they’ll interrupt you with a question or a demand every few minutes.
They’re also likely to talk during films, so you can’t concentrate on what’s being said and have to scroll it back a thousand times, or they will intrude on your conversations to bring attention back to themselves. It’s exhausting, and won’t stop until they’re no longer part of your inner circle.
Keep in mind that interrupting can be a result of neurodivergence, which, as we’ve mentioned, is not intentional behavior but a result of impulsivity and/or difficulty in sensing when the right moment to speak is. It can be equally as draining for a neurodivergent person to try to hold their thoughts in and figure out neurotypical social cues.
Whilst it’s still frustrating to be constantly interrupted, particularly if you’re neurotypical yourself, being aware of this can help you to be a bit more compassionate and accommodating about someone’s natural communication style. Having said that, communication is a two-way street, and both parties need to be happy with it. So, if your communication styles are clashing, you’ll need to consider whether it’s a relationship that will work for both of you.
9. The waif.
Energy vampires like these tend to rely on those around them far too much and thus drain whoever spends a significant amount of time with them. They often lack common skills or self-sufficiency and turn to others for help for just about everything, instead of even trying to do these things themselves.
If they’re called out on this behavior, they’ll cry or berate themselves for being stupid or useless, so that they’ll be reassured and comforted instead of encouraged to do more on their own. They rarely do: if anyone cuts off their support, they’ll simply waif their way into someone else’s life and get their new target to parent them instead.
10. The abusive “joker.”
Many of us have an energy vampire like this in our family or close friend circle: they’re the ones who are always trying to one-up those around them, bringing up embarrassing or hurtful things that happened in the past, and insulting others’ appearance, accomplishments, lifestyle, etc. If anyone tells them that their “jokes” and overall behavior are inappropriate and unwanted, they’ll find that hilarious and tell everyone to lighten up.
If you find yourself bracing for inevitable harassment and annoyance when you know that you’ll have to interact with a person like this, make a point of removing them from your life as thoroughly as possible. Don’t attend functions where you know they’ll be in attendance, don’t invite them to gatherings, and keep any obligatory interactions as short as possible.
Final thoughts…
Anyone in your close inner circle could prove themselves to be an energy vampire, including close friends, family members, neighbors, coworkers, or even your partner. If you aren’t able to remove them from your life entirely (or you prefer not to for any number of reasons), the best thing you can do is create distance between you so you aren’t as affected by their vampirism. For example, try the “gray rock” approach so you don’t give them any energy to feed upon, and limit exposure to them as much as possible for the sake of your own well-being.
