In a world where everyone seems to rush everything, from getting to work to building friendships, I want to give my attention to the calming, genuine behaviors of people who take the time to make you feel heard.
It’s a rarity these days, and that’s what makes people who don’t just hastily acknowledge you all the more special. They don’t take you for granted, and their aim is to value their time with you because they value you.
Could we all do with more people like this in our lives? Absolutely. If you’re lucky enough to know some already, you’ll recognize the following.
When someone does these 7 things, they leave you feeling heard in a very real way:
1. They pay attention when you aren’t yourself and ask what’s wrong.
All it takes is one little niggle in your day to set your usual, bright demeanor back a few notches. The right people notice, and they don’t just ignore it.
You aren’t yourself, and they reach out.
Is everything okay?
You don’t seem your usual self.
Is there something on your mind?
Not only are these people pointing out a part of you that seems a little fractured, but they’re also giving you the platform to talk about it, too.
That’s a double blessing, and it’s a really beautiful way to acknowledge someone beyond the surface level.
It also shows that you are deeply known, not simply acquainted. Someone knows you well enough to know when something is off.
I’m lucky enough to have a friend who immediately knows when I’m not myself. I try to be normal, and she still sees through it.
2. They give you time to finish speaking without feeling rushed to do so (even though they may be desperate to say their piece).
I took a big sigh before I started writing this behavior, because I know how wonderful it is to have someone just be while you talk.
That’s not to say you should be dominating all conversations; it’s just nice to be given the space to say what’s on your mind.
It’s like someone handing you a microphone and saying, “The floor is yours,” and not having Simon Cowell ready to cancel you with his buzzer.
You can take your time, express how you feel, and know that nobody is waiting to pounce on your last word with their own.
Now, it’s worth pointing out that this is easier for some people than others, and when someone does interrupt, it often doesn’t come from a place of rudeness or selfishness.
Often, it’s just a case of excitement or fear of forgetting the thought that popped into our heads. It can also come from difficulty reading conversational cues. This is particularly common in neurodivergent folk, such as those who are autistic, ADHD, or both (AuDHD).
That said, most people want to feel heard, particularly when they’re talking about something important, and you can’t really be heard when someone is talking over you.
It’s pretty special when someone does give you that freedom, especially when it requires significant effort to do so.
3. They relate to what you’re saying, but they’re careful not to make the experience their own.
Many people relate to something someone is telling them by sharing a similar experience of their own.
“Oh my God, that happens to me all the time.” “It’s like when I used to…” “I know when I feel like that, I…”
It’s often mistaken as being self-centered when in reality, it’s usually a way of showing empathy and connection. They are trying to relate to you so that you feel better about an issue, or less alone.
They are telling you they hear you and they have felt something similar.
But it only works when it’s done with the awareness that when someone is sharing something, it’s usually because they want to talk about their problem.
As such, someone who has really mastered the art of making others feel heard might share that they can relate, but then they will bring it back to the other person.
They are mindful that when you cut someone off with your own story or anecdote, and never return the floor to them, you’re not making them feel heard.
They might be feeling really rough or stressed, and instead of letting them have that space to open up, it’s become about five years ago when you were juggling a lot.
It’s not totally fair, is it?
4. They don’t sit there listening to you with their phone in their hand.
Phones, oh my goodness. Well, I have a phone, and I have it on me a lot to make sure my mother can get hold of me, and so I can correspond with the people I work with.
Admittedly, yes, I am prone to scrolling, checking the weather, and playing Duolingo. I have also been known to open House sale apps and see what I could afford if I won the lotto.
But if I am talking with someone, that phone is down. It’s not even in my hand, because I think it gives the person I’m with the impression that interrupting our conversation is fair game if I get a text or call.
For me, that’s not a nice way to show someone that you’re being present with them.
I love to be in the moment, and I don’t like any kind of distraction that I can put a stop to.
What are we if we can’t put our phones down long enough to have real time with the people who matter to us?
5. They remember those small details you spoke about months ago and revisit them.
“You said a while back you were interested in painting. Did you start yet?”
It’s enough to take you by surprise, especially when you mentioned it so casually months ago. But there they are, asking about your interest in getting more creative.
It can be the same for anything. You say something mid-conversation, and the person listening pays attention, remembers, and chases you up on it when they next see you.
It’s the small, everyday details that make up the tapestry of life, so it’s no surprise that remembering them is what makes people feel special.
You might think that this is just down to how good your memory is, and of course, recalling things will be easier for some than others. But someone who truly values you will go out of their way to remember with notes and reminders, even when memory isn’t their strong point.
More than anything, I think anybody who revisits a topic you mentioned shows that they’re genuinely interested in following up on it.
They want that conversation because it matters to you.
If you’ve got people – or even just one person – like that in your life, they’re definitely worth holding onto.
6. Instead of rushing to solve your problems for you, they stay present while you solve them yourself.
Isn’t it so easy to hop in and make everyone’s lives easier for them?
You think you’re helping, and you have good intentions, but often your help is more about solving the problem quickly than hearing them.
Listening isn’t always about offering solutions. Sometimes it’s about giving someone the space and confidence to find their own.
For example, my mother recently had a knee replacement, and I stayed with her for a few weeks to help with things she wasn’t allowed to do.
She confided in me that getting up and down the stairs using one crutch and carrying the other was proving a challenge, and immediately I was tempted to jump in and carry it for her.
But instead, I stopped myself and said, “What will you do when I’m not here?”
She looked at me, and I could see her mind working overtime. She then shuffled about and managed to slink the unused crutch over her wrist like a bracelet, meaning she didn’t have to grip it and could then hold the bannisters.
Rushing in to help would have been quicker in the short term, but it wouldn’t have been me hearing what she really needed, which was to figure things out for herself, with me there by her side.
7. Their unique body language shows you they are listening (and no, that doesn’t have to mean eye contact).
This is the one I chose to end this article on, because I am very well aware that for a lot of people, eye contact is an aspect of body language that can be a challenge.
There doesn’t need to be a specific reason for that (although there often is); just the knowledge that we all communicate differently, even when our desire to make the people we love feel valued is the same.
A hug, someone sitting side by side with you while you cry and pour your heart out, or even just quietly being in the room to keep someone company in their time of need. It all matters. We all have different ways to show up and listen.
If you feel like you have that person, it may not be that they listen and see you with that physical closeness or attentiveness that others might, but they are present with you all the same, and your life feels better for it.
Final thoughts…
How many people tick these boxes for you? I’d like to think that you can name at least one person who adds this kind of value to your life, and that you can do the same for them.
People are becoming busier and busier, and with that comes less time to show others that they’re heard in a way that feels authentic.
I think if we could all work to be a little less hasty, we’d enjoy connections of much better quality.
