Empathy isn’t some gift that some people are blessed with and others are not. Ok, some people are more naturally empathetic than others, but even so, it’s a skill you can develop, sharpen, and practice like any other.
What’s more, most people misunderstand what empathy truly means, often confusing it with sympathy or assuming it requires a deep connection to what the other person is going through. It doesn’t.
In reality, empathy is less about having the perfect response and more about learning how to connect to others’ experiences and feelings with openness and patience. If you want to unlock the possibility of richer connections and a deeper understanding of the people around you, here’s how.
1. Remember, you don’t have to understand someone’s experience; you just have to believe it.
The most vital step in empathy might surprise you: you don’t need to “get” what someone else is going through. Often, when faced with feelings or experiences far from your own, your mind races to explain, minimise, judge, or fix. Yet, the heart of empathy lies simply in believing that their emotions are real and valid. Even if their pain, joy, or fear seems foreign or exaggerated to you, accepting it without criticism is the greatest gift you can offer.
In practical terms, this means resisting the urge to compare or invalidate feelings. When a friend shares anxiety about something you find trivial, your role isn’t to convince them otherwise but to acknowledge, “That sounds really hard for you.” You’re not tasked with solving or understanding their experience fully—just holding space with belief and openness.
When you believe someone’s feelings, you affirm their humanity. This simple act can be a lifeline, especially for those who often feel unseen or dismissed. It’s a radical kindness that says, “I see you, and what you feel matters.” In a world that rushes toward quick fixes, this patient acceptance can feel revolutionary.
2. Focus fully on the speaker without planning your thoughts.
Many of us confuse listening with waiting for our turn to speak. But empathetic listening demands your full presence, a willingness to set aside your mental to-do list and quiet the inner commentator.
While many articles about empathetic listening might suggest you need to make “appropriate” eye contact, I don’t subscribe to this belief. By all means, make eye contact if it’s comfortable for you, but if it’s not, don’t force it. If you’re anything like me, you’ll expend so much energy trying to deal with the discomfort eye contact is causing you that you’ll end up being anything but empathetic.
All you need to do is pay attention to the person talking, however that looks for you. When you focus entirely on the speaker, your mind isn’t rehearsing responses or judgments. You’re opening a clear channel to their experience.
Patience is your ally here. Conversations don’t always flow in neat lines or clear conclusions. Sometimes, people need to circle around their feelings before they land on words. You might notice pauses or hesitations—these are not gaps to fill but invitations to stay present. When you resist the urge to interrupt or redirect, you create a safe space where vulnerability can surface.
Neuroscientist Daniel J. Siegel’s work on “mindsight” explores how focused attention enhances empathy by strengthening the brain’s ability to attune to others. Your undivided attention signals that you value the person and their story, encouraging deeper sharing.
Patience in listening also means tolerating silence, which can feel uncomfortable but often holds unspoken emotions. When you allow these moments without rushing, you’re practicing empathy in its most generous form.
3. Encourage others to share more about their feelings and experiences.
Open-ended questions are your best tools here, as they allow the other person to explore and express without feeling boxed in. Phrases like “Would you like to tell me more about that?” or “What was that like for you?” signal genuine curiosity and create room for deeper connection.
Sometimes, people hesitate to share because they fear judgment or don’t know how to articulate complex feelings. Your patient encouragement can be the nudge they need to find their voice. When you listen without rushing to conclusions, you foster a sense of safety that invites honesty.
Imagine a friend describing a difficult day at work but trailing off. Instead of moving on, you might say, “That sounds tough—what part felt the hardest?” Your openness can help them untangle their emotions and feel less alone in them.
4. Build trust through sharing your own vulnerability.
Sharing your own feelings can deepen trust and invite others to open up, but it requires careful balance. When you reveal your vulnerabilities, you show that it’s safe to be imperfect and human. However, it’s important not to overshadow their story with yours.
This delicate dance is something many struggle with, especially if sharing is your natural way of showing empathy. My natural way to connect and show empathy is to relate to someone’s experience with my own, but I know that to some, this can come off as story-topping. And whilst it’s important to honor your own communication style, it’s also important to honor the other person’s feelings.
I’ve found that saying something like the following helps: “I can relate to that, XYZ similar thing happened to me too. How are you feeling about it?” It keeps the focus on the other person while gently inviting shared understanding.
5. Use non-verbal cues if you can, or ask for clarification if you’re unsure.
For neurotypical people, body language, tone, and facial expressions often speak louder than words. Yet, solely relying on these signals can mislead you. Not everyone expresses or “reads” emotions the same way, especially those who are neurodivergent or come from different cultural backgrounds.
If you’re unsure, gently asking for clarification can make all the difference. Instead of guessing, say something like, “I’m not sure I’m following—could you tell me more about how you’re feeling?” This approach honors the other person’s unique way of expressing themselves and avoids assumptions.
A neuroaffirming perspective reminds us that empathy requires flexibility. Some people may not pick up on neurotypical social cues, and expecting them to do so can create barriers. By explicitly checking in, you demonstrate respect for their experience and invite honesty.
6. Repeat back what you’ve heard to check your understanding.
Reflecting what someone has said shows you’re not only listening but striving to understand. Paraphrasing or summarizing their words can clarify meaning and prevent misunderstandings. And let’s face it, misunderstanding is rife in conversation. When you say something like, “So, you’re feeling overwhelmed because of the deadline,” you invite confirmation or correction, which deepens mutual understanding.
This practice, often called “reflective listening,” signals respect and attentiveness, reinforcing that the speaker’s experience matters. Sometimes, people don’t realize how tangled their feelings are until they hear them reflected back. By repeating back, you help the other person organize their thoughts and feel validated. The technique also allows you to catch any misinterpretations early on, preventing emotional disconnect.
Therapists frequently use reflective listening to build empathy and trust. You can adopt this in everyday conversations to strengthen your emotional attunement and show that you truly care.
7. Work on your own emotion regulation.
Empathy requires emotional balance. When your own feelings are overwhelming, it becomes difficult to hold space for another’s pain or joy. Learning to stay calm and centered helps you respond with clarity and compassion rather than react with invalidation or irritation.
My experience of parenting a child with sensory difficulties illustrates this well. When I’m dysregulated, I find it so much harder to offer the patience and understanding my child’s needs when they are in sensory overwhelm. I struggle to relate and empathize with their experience, and instead get frustrated. But when I’m already in a good mental and emotional place, I’m better able to connect with them, stay calm, and offer the compassion they desperately need.
It’s certainly not easy. Life is busy and stressful, and finding time for self-care may seem impossible some days. But even deep breathing or taking 5 minutes of quiet for yourself can help you regulate your emotions in the moment. There are many quick and easy self-soothing techniques you can try.
The simplest of all is pausing before responding to someone’s frustration, allowing yourself a moment to breathe instead of reacting impulsively. Your ability to stay grounded will lead to a far more compassionate exchange.
8. Increase your emotional literacy.
Expanding your emotional vocabulary enriches your ability to recognize and name feelings, both in yourself and others. When you can distinguish between emotions that seem similar on the surface, such as “disappointed” versus “disillusioned,” you’re better positioned to respond with true sensitivity rather than a generic reaction. This subtlety matters because emotions are rarely black and white; they often exist in shades that influence how someone experiences a situation.
Psychological research into emotional granularity sheds light on why this matters so much. Emotional granularity refers to the ability to identify and label feelings with precision. Studies show that people who develop this skill tend to regulate their emotions more effectively and connect more deeply with others. When you can name what you or someone else is feeling, you’re not just categorizing emotions—you’re tuning into the unique texture of their experience. This nuanced understanding allows you to respond in ways that truly resonate.
Learning these words also helps you recognize your own feelings, which is a vital step in empathizing with others. When you understand your emotional landscape, it becomes easier to meet others where they are.
9. Engage with diverse perspectives through fiction and biographies.
This might seem like an odd way to increase your empathy, but psychologists advise that reading stories from different lives and cultures has the potential to broaden your emotional horizons. Fiction and biographies invite you into experiences far from your own, expanding your capacity to understand complex feelings and situations.
Immersing yourself in diverse narratives helps break down assumptions and fosters empathy by showing the rich variety of human experience. It helps you to observe and understand how different people’s motivations, experiences, and goals might drive their behavior. It’s a way of practicing empathy in a low-stakes setting, building muscles you can use in real life.
These could be novels or biographies about people from a culture very different from yours, people who are different from you by virtue of their neurotype, disability, or upbringing, or people who have experienced situations in life you simply couldn’t imagine. Encountering these stories sensitizes you to nuances in emotional expression and context.
This engagement also reminds you that empathy isn’t about agreement but about honoring difference. When you read widely, your empathy becomes more inclusive and resilient.
10. Understand that emotional expression varies depending on the individual.
A final, but crucial point to remember when practicing empathy is that emotional expression isn’t one-size-fits-all. Beyond cultural differences, individual factors like neurodivergence, personality, and life experiences shape how people show and communicate their feelings. Recognizing this diversity is essential for genuine empathy, as it helps you avoid misreading or judging others based on your own standards.
Neurodivergent individuals, for example, may express emotions in ways that don’t align with neurotypical social cues. An autistic person might struggle with eye contact or display emotions differently, and/or may have sensory sensitivities that influence how they react. Without this understanding, you might mistakenly interpret their responses as disinterest or detachment, or their sensory overwhelm as overreacting when in fact they simply process things very differently than you.
Personality also plays a big role. Introverts might internalize feelings or appear reserved, while extroverts often express emotions more openly and energetically. Some people use humor to cope, others prefer quiet reflection. Life experiences and trauma further shape our emotional expression, sometimes causing people to mask or suppress feelings as a form of protection.
This broader awareness encourages you to meet people where they truly are, rather than where you expect them to be. It’s a reminder that empathy requires an openness to the many ways humans experience and reveal their inner worlds. When you honor these differences, your empathy becomes not only more accurate but also more compassionate.
Final thoughts…
Empathy is a journey, not a destination. It asks you to show up with curiosity, patience, and humility, embracing the complexity of human emotion without rushing to fix, invalidate, or judge.
As you practice these skills, you’ll find your connections deepen and your world widens. The art of empathy invites you to truly listen and respond with kindness, creating ripples of understanding that reach far beyond any single conversation.
