Many people have specific goals in mind for when they’ll “allow” themselves to relax or enjoy life.
For example, they may only give themselves permission to eat dessert once they’ve reached a certain fitness goal, or they’ll only allow themselves some downtime once they’ve ticked off everything on their to-do list.
But that mindset puts immense pressure on them, and also denies them much-needed happiness while they’re improving their life.
If you also fall into this mindset, consider making the following mental adjustments as soon as possible. That way you can enjoy the journey as it unfolds, rather than clinging to an outcome that’s never guaranteed anyway.
9 mental shifts to allow yourself to feel good before your life improves:
1. Recognize that your days here won’t last forever, and prioritize joy.
Many of us put things off for tomorrow, next week, or some other nebulous date in the future.
We often do this because we assume we have all the time in the world to work with. This goes for various life plans as well as allowing ourselves to feel good, especially if we’re dealing with personal struggles.
For example, if you’re in a difficult spot financially, you may be working yourself ragged to pull yourself out of that hole.
While doing so, you may not allow yourself to relax, feel joy, or do fun things because you haven’t “earned” rest or happiness.
Work and duty do often need to take precedence over leisure, of course, but they don’t cancel it out entirely.
In fact, seeking those happy moments is often exactly what you need to replenish and galvanize you to keep going when things do feel bleak.
2. Choose to celebrate small successes rather than obsessing over end goals.
I’m terrible at this, so I’ve been doing my best to readjust my own mental processes in this regard.
I’ve always been very goal-oriented, and in the past I have refused to allow myself joy or contentment until that goal was met.
Of course, that was easier to do when I was 30 than it is now, at nearly 50 — especially after serious health issues. For example, I’m slowly working towards getting physical strength and flexibility back after convalescence.
I don’t love my body’s weakness or softness at the moment, but I’m focusing on celebrating the small “wins” that I’ve been achieving rather than punishing myself for not having the same fitness level or physique that I had over 20 years ago.
Instead, I’m doing the best I can with what I have right now, and am grateful for every small milestone I am able to attain.
At this time last year, I couldn’t hold an empty teacup in my left hand, but today I did squats with 50lb kettlebells. I’m not where I want to be yet, but this was a huge win on my journey to get there, so I’m going to allow myself to enjoy it.
3. Understand that joy and struggle can co-exist.
“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain” — Khalil Gibran, The Prophet.
Many people forget that feelings like grief and joy can coexist. You don’t need to wait until every last drop of grief has left your heart before you allow yourself to feel joy, hope, awe, love, or contentment.
In fact, permitting yourself to savor the small beauties in everyday experiences can help you work through even the most devastating experiences.
Take some time to sit outside in a place you love, and truly savor your favorite beverage. Luxuriate in the warmth of a long, hot shower or bath, the pleasure of staying in bed on a Saturday morning, or the delight of watching your pet’s ridiculous antics.
You have permission to experience joy even when you’re struggling.
4. Pay attention to where your mind wanders when you feel happiness.
When you feel happiness or other pleasant emotions, does your mind allow you to revel in this feeling? Or does it draw you somewhere else as a form of control and punishment?
If it’s the latter, take note of where your attention shifts when you start to feel good, as that will give you some solid insight as to where improvement needs to happen.
For example, if you feel guilt about feeling joy because you think you “should” be stressed or mourning instead, ask yourself if that’s your own voice talking, or if someone else has made you feel that you aren’t worthy of feeling good things.
From there, you can determine whether these feelings of obligation or condemnation are true and valid, or if it’s time to let them go.
5. Remind yourself that you, and your life, will always be a work in progress until the day you die.
Despite the fact that other people in your life may seem to have everything together, you don’t know what may be simmering just below the surface. Everyone has their burdens to bear, and we are all learning as we go along.
Your precious life is always going to have its ups and downs until the moment you last draw breath, and you have every right to feel good things even when you’re experiencing a lull.
At no point in your life will everything be perfect, without any kind of stress or struggle. It’s just not possible.
As such, waiting for things to improve before you allow yourself to experience goodness, happiness, or comfort will only make those struggles worse.
You’re a work in progress who’s constantly evolving, so make sure that joy is part of that evolution, even during the messy parts.
6. Recognize that things don’t have to be perfect in order to be good.
Everyone has different capabilities as far as the best they can do is involved. Basically, an endeavor that’s a breeze for one person may be an exhausting slog for another.
What’s more, our capability and capacity will fluctuate throughout our lives depending on various internal and external factors.
Yet people with perfectionist tendencies often deny themselves pleasure if the results of their work aren’t of the calibre they’re aiming for, rather than recognizing that they’re doing the best they can with what they have at the time.
Similarly, people who are frustrated when they’re on personal journeys may not allow themselves to feel good about anything until they meet specific milestones.
But this makes the journey more of a punishment than an aspiration. Things can be “good enough” for you to allow yourself to have some fun.
7. Remember you don’t need anyone’s permission to enjoy yourself.
People who are incredibly hard on themselves often don’t give themselves permission to experience anything good. Quite frankly, they don’t feel that they deserve it.
These individuals often grew up in very strict environments where even the smallest amount of joy had to be earned, rather than being seen as an essential part of human existence.
For example, an ex of mine would literally ask my permission to watch TV or play a game late in the evening. His parents had been extremely strict and would only allow him to enjoy himself if he had done all his chores, done X amount of homework, and so on.
As such, even as an adult, he needed someone else to grant him permission to do things he loved instead of focusing all of his time on duty and obligation.
You don’t need anyone else’s permission to have joy.
Whatever isn’t absolutely necessary can be set aside so you can experience some pleasure and contentment in your life.
8. Don’t punish yourself for past missteps.
We all make mistakes, and sometimes those missteps put us in unhappy or otherwise difficult circumstances.
As such, if you feel guilt, shame, self-loathing, or other negative emotions because of where you are in life right now, you may be punishing yourself by refusing to allow goodness into your life.
It’s possible that you’re sabotaging your own joy because you feel that you deserve discomfort; that if you had made better choices in the past, you could have earned happiness today.
And while your past choices may certainly have negatively impacted your life, or the lives of others, they don’t mean you don’t deserve to experience joy.
Try to treat yourself with the same love and compassion as you’d treat a friend or child who’s struggling to fix their life, instead of wearing a metaphorical hair shirt as penance for past errors.
9. Learn to be more comfortable with vulnerability and uncertainty.
Life is unpredictable, sometimes more so than others. And when people feel like they don’t have much control in their lives, they often look for something they can control. It’s a well-known psychological pattern that shows up in trauma, eating disorders, and anxiety.
For some people, this manifests as unintentionally denying themselves joy or contentment unless specific conditions are met.
A perfect example of this is orthorexia: an eating disorder that revolves around very specific food allowances and eliminations. You might also notice it in people who need things to be done a very specific way.
Essentially, the individual only experiences happiness within specific parameters because within those parameters they feel “safe” from things that are uncertain or potentially difficult.
But life rarely behaves that way. Life is messy. And although we can try to create some order and routine, we cannot control it no matter how hard we try.
As such, there is value in gently and gradually learning to tolerate some uncertainty so that you can appreciate the joy and goodness of life, even when it’s unpredictable.
Final thoughts…
Life without joy and contentment can feel incredibly bleak. When you’re already struggling through difficult circumstances, denying yourself little moments of happiness can make those struggles even worse.
You don’t need to “earn” the right to experience pleasure or joy: they’re an intrinsic part of what it means to be human.
Every day forward brings great opportunity to improve your life, and ensuring that joy is part of that process can make that journey easier to traverse and your burdens lighter.
