The brain has many coping mechanisms built into it that it uses to try to pacify itself during stressful times. And control is one of them. In many cases, controlling behavior can stem from anxiety or trauma because your subconscious is trying to create a calm, predictable environment so that your brain can rest.
In these instances, your brain is overstimulated, and that can present as anger and controlling behavior because the unpredictability is more stress piling onto the stress that already exists. Fear and anxiety are stresses, and they may inadvertently cause controlling, overbearing behaviors like these.
1. You’re constantly “checking in” to make sure everything is okay.
Psych Central informs us that predictability is safety for the anxious mind. Constantly checking in with someone is an overbearing behavior that many people excuse due to their bad experiences. They try to require their loved one to check in constantly while they’re out or be in communication as often as possible, since we all have cellphones. And while some may find that cute at first or excuse it as someone who really cares, it eventually undermines the relationship.
What it actually communicates, intentionally or not, is “I don’t trust you.” And not because they’ve done anything wrong, but because the controlling person was hurt before and doesn’t want to be hurt again. This kind of behavior also includes a person requiring their partner to turn on their location services on their phone so they can be checked up on.
2. You need frequent reassurance in your relationships.
A safe, secure relationship doesn’t particularly need frequent reassurances. That doesn’t mean they don’t happen; it’s just a different mental space from seeking reassurance to appreciating when it just arrives. People who are secure in their relationships and attachments don’t need that self-soothing. They can just rest in the space and comfort of their relationship, knowing that they can trust their partner.
That’s a hard thing to do when you’ve been hurt so many times in the past. If you’re carrying past relationship trauma, then safety and security are going to cause anxiety because your brain is trying to prepare you in case things don’t go well. The insecurity creates fear, and then the brain tries to self-soothe by seeking reassurance from the partner.
3. You insist on excessive details and overexplaining.
It’s reasonable to want to be informed about an activity or a person and what they have going on. That’s what helps you make plans and account for the future. However, as Panahi Counseling shares, people who are struggling with anxiety and fear will often take this to an extreme. They may want a super-detailed itinerary of what others will be doing, how they’ll be doing it, and why.
In most circumstances, that level of micromanagement is so intrusive that it will build resentment in healthy people. No one wants to be micromanaged. Not only is it irritating, but it’s also subconsciously communicating that you don’t trust them. Now, some people will handwave that idea and say, “No! I’m just being careful!” But again, there’s a difference between reasonable planning, care, and micromanagement. The other person should be capable of handling things on their own.
4. You take charge of situations to avoid conflict.
Others may call you bossy or controlling, but in truth, you may just be trying to create a stable, predictable environment by taking control. If you’re the one making the decisions, then there are less likely to be unexpected problems that will crop up and disturb your peace. Taking charge isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but you may find that you struggle with letting other people lead, and that’s a problem.
To be a good leader, you have to be a good follower too, so that you can walk appropriately with whoever might be ahead of you. If you have a boss or someone to answer to, then you need to be able to relinquish that need for control to make sure the greater good gets done. Not only that, but your peers may resent you for trying to take control over them.
I used to hate that when I was working in the past. In one situation, I had this coworker who felt it was her mission to be our “boss” while being of equal rank to everyone else she was trying to order around.
It comes across as obnoxious behavior when you’re someone who already knows how to do the job, and has been doing it just as long as the person who’s trying to take charge. And I’m not an unreasonable guy. I accept feedback and critique on my work, and I accept guidance or suggestions. What I don’t accept is being ordered around like a lapdog and expected to obey someone who isn’t signing my paycheck.
5. You get defensive when someone challenges your leadership or approach.
A good leader is answerable to the people who are following. They should be able to articulate and explain why they’re making the choices that they are. This is a normal part of a leader/follower relationship because some people need to know the why. A secure leader doesn’t take that personally. Instead, they just address the concerns, keep people focused on the vision, and keep moving forward.
On the other hand, to an insecure, anxious person, questions feel unsafe and invasive. They are disturbing the peace that the insecure person is trying to create for themselves because they don’t want to see gaps or holes in their reasoning. That just makes them more anxious. Exposing vulnerabilities in the plan introduces uncertainty that the anxious person is attempting to self-soothe.
6. You keep a tight, rigid schedule that you expect others to honor.
Life is not predictable. Adaptability is an important part of maintaining one’s peace and happiness in life because things aren’t going to go as planned. But a fearful person may pack their routine into a rigid framework because they are trying to create predictability. The problem is that other people will often intrude and ruin that effort.
It may not even be on purpose or out of maliciousness, but if something comes up for someone you have plans with, then you need to be able to adapt. You can’t expect other people to cancel their plans to make your plans work. That sort of behavior alienates people. You’re essentially telling them that you don’t respect their time or obligations.
7. You struggle to let people handle their own things.
Most micromanagers are dealing with some form of fear or anxiety. They want things done the “right” way, their way, because then they know exactly what to expect. If you don’t or can’t do it their way, then they may step in and just do it themselves while implying you’re incompetent. That’s not healthy behavior in your professional or personal life.
Not everyone is going to do things the same way, and that’s okay, so long as it gets done. Now, if there’s a legitimate issue with the way it was done? That’s totally reasonable. There are far too many people who are completely comfortable with their own incompetence, or they use weaponized incompetence to avoid responsibility.
Still, you need to be able to trust that the job will get done without doing it yourself if it’s another’s responsibility.
In closing…
Controlling behavior is often driven by fear and anxiety. It’s a self-soothing mechanism that isn’t obvious at first, but it’s the subconscious trying to create a predictable environment to feel safe in. Quite often, PTSD and traumatic experiences can drive this sort of behavior because your nervous system is on high alert, so you’re more sensitive to disruptions than others.
But once you address the anxiety and fear, you will find that it becomes much easier to let things go and flow as they will.
