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If you feel like the spark has gone from your marriage and want to bring the romance back, you’re not alone.
This is something that can happen to any couple and it’s definitely NOT a sign that things aren’t good between you!
It often happens in marriages, or once you’ve had kids – or just when you’ve been with someone for a long time.
If you want to rekindle the flame, we’ve got some great tips for you…
1. Plan some date nights.
Decide a day in the week that works well for you both and plan a regular date night.
It can be weekly, monthly, whatever suits your schedules! What’s important is to commit to a plan and show up for each other in this kind of way.
It’s not just about getting dressed up or going for fancy dinners; it’s about showing that you value your relationship and want to put time and effort into making it happy and healthy.
You can sit together and write down a list of ideas you both want to do, then cut each idea out, fold it up, and put them all in a bowl or jar.
Each time date night comes around, randomly choose one piece of paper and that’s the date you’re going on! It saves the decision-making and faff of choosing where to go each time and keeps the whole thing fun, easy, and stress-free.
Of course, the fact that you’re both getting dressed up and going to nice places also makes a huge difference and is a great way to put the spark back into your relationship.
2. Have more meaningful conversations.
When we first start dating someone, we can’t get enough of them. We stay up all night messaging, or sit in bed together talking until the small hours of the morning.
Of course, it’s totally natural that this fades over time – the better you know each other, the more comfortable you get with just being together, which is a wonderful thing in itself.
But to bring back some of that honeymoon-period magic, try to start having these sorts of conversations again.
It doesn’t need to involve staying up all night as that just isn’t practical for most people! But you can spend more time together talking about things that you’re both interested in, sharing your dreams and plans, and really communicating with each other.
As our relationships evolve, we forget how important this kind of intimacy is. It will bring you closer together and remind you that you’re both committed to loving each other and caring about each other.
Your conversations might currently focus on work stress, the kids, the practicalities of living together… but they can soon become deeper, more quality discussions that really help you bond again.
Try these conversation starters: 115 Questions To Ask Your Significant Other To Start A Conversation
3. Work out together.
Exercise is great for us – we all know that. But did you know that it’s also great for your relationship?
Working out releases endorphins (happy hormones that make us feel good), which help us to stay balanced and upbeat as individuals.
If you’re both working out alone, you’re already halfway there, as you’re taking action to keep yourself positive and peppy. If you start working out together, you’ll experience huge rushes of endorphins and have loads of fun at the same time.
You’ll also get to coach each other, watch each other progress, develop more self-confidence, and work as a team. These are all great relationship-building elements that can put the spark back in your marriage or coupling.
4. Reignite the physical flame.
Of course, sex has to feature in a guide to getting the spark back in your relationship!
Our sex drives can vary due to lots of different things – stress, confidence, age, lifestyle, etc. A dip in how often you have sex is totally normal, especially for people who’ve been with their partners for quite a while.
If you want to relight the fire that once burned, try to spice things up a bit and don’t be scared to make a move!
If they’re not interested at that moment in time, they’ll tell you – it might hurt a bit, but it’s nothing personal and it doesn’t mean they’re not attracted to you.
They’ll probably be grateful that you’ve initiated something as they’ve probably also noticed a dip and wanted to make a change.
It’s absolutely okay to address this with your partner – some people get too scared to talk about sex in case they offend their partner, but there’s nothing to be ashamed of!
Make sure you approach the conversation from a calm and open place – you don’t need to be dramatic or blame anyone, but you can explain that you’d like to reconnect with them physically.
It doesn’t even need to involve sex all the time. You can just suggest spending more intimate time together, like sharing a bath or cuddling up on the sofa.
And you can always introduce toys, role play, or silly ideas if you want to try them out – whatever you’re both comfortable with!
5. Remember the good times.
Reminiscing about your relationship can be a great way to reignite the love and spark.
You can look at old photos, share memories from your first few dates, or even talk about how happy you are and how comfortable you both are now that you’ve been together for longer.
It’s always lovely to look back fondly on happy times and shared adventures. It can bring you both closer, and remind you of how much you care for each other and how amazingly your relationship has developed over the months or years.
It might also give you ideas about your next date night. You could, for example, recreate your first date! You’ll re-forge the bond between you and enjoy emotional intimacy with each other.
It might remind you of things your partner loves that you’ve forgotten about, which you can then surprise them with another time.
It’ll make them feel so special and loved, and really help reignite the passion and love in your relationship.
6. Share a new hobby.
We often feel a bit stuck in a rut when we’ve been with someone for a long time.
It’s not that we’re bored or want to be with anyone else, it’s just that things can start to feel a bit ‘same old, same old!’
You can enjoy new things together and share new experiences – this is a great way to put the spark back into the relationship and spend some quality time together.
Pick a new hobby that you’re both interested in – it could be playing tennis, going to a ceramics class, or taking up yoga together.
Whatever it is, it’ll feel lovely to spend time together doing something new!
It gives you more to talk about, it’s a commitment to quality time together, and it’ll be so much fun.
Here are some ideas: 100 Hobbies For Couples To Do Together: The Ultimate List!
7. Make feeling good a priority.
When we’re in a relationship and we start wondering where the spark has gone, a lot of us will start to blame ourselves.
We worry that maybe we’ve ‘let ourselves go’ (there is no such thing, by the way!) or that we’re no longer exciting or interesting enough for our partners.
We do not need to change ourselves at all in this situation – it’s not our ‘fault’ that the spark has gone; it’s just something that can happen naturally over time.
What we do need to do, however, is make sure we’re looking after ourselves and are committed to feeling good!
If you get upset about the lack of love or passion in your marriage or relationship, it can quickly start a downward spiral. Suddenly, your self-confidence is shot to pieces, which will just make everything feel worse!
Instead, try to focus on yourself and how you can feel good. That might mean getting a new haircut, buying a new outfit, or having some downtime and practicing meditation, for example.
The better you feel in yourself, the more you’ll be able to commit to your relationship and show up for your partner – which will bring that spark right back to where it belongs!
8. Learn to enjoy alone time.
Similar to the previous point, the more comfortable and happy you are in yourself, the better your relationship will be.
This is because your relationship needs to be an addition to your life, not your whole life.
It’s really easy to get wrapped up in your relationship, but this can put too much pressure on it. If you don’t have many other things going on in your life, your relationship becomes the sole thing that defines how you are and what you do.
It also means that, if you’re having a bit of a dip or lull in your relationship, your entire world feels worse.
That can then lead to you putting way too much pressure on both yourself and your partner to get the spark back, IMMEDIATELY!
If, however, you’re content living your life, doing your own thing every so often, and not only ever thinking about your partner, the lull will feel like less of a big deal.
What’s more, it’ll be much easier to get over or ‘fix’ because it won’t be the only thing you’re focusing on.
Try to get used to some alone time – or at least time without your partner.
That can be a spin class with friends, solo yoga, or even just sitting in the bedroom reading while your partner is working in the living room.
It also gives your partner some more time and space to do their thing, which also relieves some pressure and means that the time you share together will be way better!
9. Use positive reinforcement.
If you feel like the spark has gone from your marriage or relationship, you might feel quite frustrated or upset with your partner – especially if you think it could be because of their actions rather than yours.
This can build up over time and suddenly be released as a stream of anger or resentment toward your partner. While this is understandable, it isn’t fair to your partner, and it’s not at all constructive.
Rather than snap at the little things, try to be positive about the good things!
If the ‘spark’ to you means flowers, having nice dinners together, and kisses goodnight, make a big deal of it when it happens.
It might sound silly, but it will help you and your partner get back on track and ensure you both know what your expectations actually are!
So, next time your partner gives you a hug, let them know how good it makes you feel and how much you love it. This will stay in their minds and they’ll start doing it more and more.
It seems small, but if this kind of positive reinforcement happens each time they do something you like, you’re letting them know what you want without having to nag or argue!
Instead of putting them down when they do something you don’t like or that upsets you, let them know how much you like it when they cook, or when they make time to sit with you and have dinner without the TV on, for example.
10. Work with a therapist.
As we’ve said – relationships naturally change over time and most of them get back on track after a little lull.
If you feel like you and your partner are really in a rut and nothing seems to be helping, consider working with a therapist or counselor.
This does not mean that you need help or that something is ‘wrong’ in your relationship, don’t worry – it just means that you could do with gentle guidance on reigniting the spark.
You’ll learn to rediscover emotional intimacy, work on your communication skills, and how to bond as a couple – nothing scary!
It’s never a bad thing to look for some guidance, and it’s not a sign that you need to break up – it’s healthy and it shows you’re both invested in making things work.
Check out the online service offered by Relationship Hero. You can get couples therapy from the comfort of your own home via video, phone, or web chat. And it’s very affordable too. Click here to chat to someone now or to schedule a time at a later date.
So… 10 amazing ways to rekindle your relationship. One of the best things about being with someone is just living a real, genuine life with them.
That means you’ll argue sometimes and you might really dislike them, even!
But it also means you’re being your full self with your partner and that’s such a beautiful gift in itself…
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- 6 Sad Reasons Why We Hurt The Ones We Love