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Alone Time In A Relationship: Getting It And Understanding It

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When you go from “me” to “we,” you can start feeling like the “me” has entirely disappeared.

This is why it’s so important to have some alone time, even if you’re in a loving relationship.

Indeed, having alone time whenever you want it is one of the things people in relationships miss about single.

No matter how much you care about your partner, you don’t want to lose yourself in a relationship, and your partner has to understand that you have your own life, separate from theirs. This article will help you get the time you need without harming your relationship.

If, on the other hand, it is your partner who needs some alone time, and this freaks you out, try to relax. Yes, hearing this can sound like they want to break up with you, but that’s rarely ever the case. You’ll learn more about their need and why it can be a good thing. 

“I Need Alone Time” – 8 Ways To Help Your Partner Understand

If you want to ask your partner for more alone time, you have to approach the subject with some sensitivity. It’s not a big deal, and it’s healthy for your relationship, but if you don’t phrase it right, you might make your partner think that you don’t enjoy spending time with them or that you’re unsure about the relationship.

This is why it’s important to follow certain steps and truly help your partner understand this need, especially if they don’t crave time to themselves.

Let’s start with the most important step.

Speak to a certified relationship counselor about this issue. Why? Because they have the training and experience to help you effectively communicate your need for alone time to your partner. You may want to try speaking to someone via for practical advice that is tailored to your exact circumstances.

1. Reassure your partner that your relationship is not in trouble.

Look at things from your partner’s point of view. They might assume that you want to spend less time with them because you don’t care about them anymore. To them, this could seem like the beginning of the end of your relationship.

So, make sure to reassure them that your relationship is not in trouble and that there’s nothing wrong, you just need more time to yourself to unwind and do whatever it is that you plan on doing.

Don’t say things like “we should see each other less often” or “I just need some time and space,” but instead help them understand that this is not a threat to your relationship.

Talk to them about your life and everything else that’s going on. You probably have a job, a family, friends, and hobbies, and you also need to make time for yourself.

Reassure them that the time you spend with them is your top priority, but you also have other things in your life and have to make room for your own needs and interests. 

2. Help them to understand that it’s healthy to spend time apart in a relationship.

To have a successful relationship, you need quality time together. But you also need a healthy amount of time away from each other.

When people fall in love, they often put other things in their life on hold and give their entire attention to their new partner. Eventually, though, you have to get back to your life and hopefully keep your partner as a part of it.

Your partner could get scared that you’re losing interest in them because you don’t want to spend as much time with them as you used to. So, try to make them realize that spending time apart brings with it many benefits to the relationship.

People can become too dependent in a relationship or start feeling suffocated when they focus all of their time and energy on each other. You need time to miss each other and stay eager to see each other again because you could quickly get bored in the relationship if you spend all your free time together

Just don’t use the words “suffocated” or “bored” when you’re trying to explain your need. Don’t focus on avoiding a negative emotion by spending time apart; focus on creating a positive one instead.

3. Explain why you need alone time.

Have you been feeling stressed out because you don’t have enough time for yourself? Maybe you are feeling anxious, depressed, or simply overbooked.

Let your partner know why you need to go off and do your own thing once in a while. For instance, maybe you’ll be in a better mood and have more energy. It will even help you give more of your attention to them when you do spend time together.

Be specific. Do you need it to watch movies, paint, play video games, exercise, or simply relax and unwind? Your partner will be much more understanding if you let them in on what you need that time for.

Right now, focus on the way not having alone time makes you feel and how you could explain those feelings to your partner.

4. Emphasize that you enjoy spending time with them.

Depending on how you deliver your message, your partner might get the impression that you don’t enjoy spending time with them. Prevent this by emphasizing that you care about them, enjoy your time together, and wish to spend plenty more of your time with them.

Not having alone time makes you feel stressed out, but this is not their fault; you just have to put your energy into a lot of different things, and it leaves you with little or no time for yourself.

When you get your alone time, you might spend less time with them, but you’ll be able to enjoy the time you do spend together even more since you’ll be relaxed and energized.

Maybe what relaxes you is spending the entire day in bed or dedicating some of your time to your favorite hobby. Try to help you partner understand that you value these things and the time to do them.

Also, thinking of an activity or a hobby that you could enjoy together will remind your partner that, while there are things that you enjoy doing by yourself, there are things that you would love to do and share with them.

5. Encourage them to value time to themselves.

What does your partner enjoy doing on their own? They probably also have a life outside of the relationship, so encourage them to make the most of the time you spend apart.

Support their hobbies and passions, and let them know that you’d be thrilled if they would dedicate more of their time to do the things that they love doing.

Maybe the two of you have been spending most of your free time together at the beginning of your relationship, so both of you have neglected other things you used to do with that time. Show interest in things they are passionate about, and encourage them to go back to their hobbies or pursue new interests.

You could even coordinate schedules and plan your time apart so that you both have something to fill it with. Maybe they have been dying to spend the day in their PJs, so your need for me-time will come as a relief.

You can even suggest things that they could do, like watching movies that you’re not interested in but they are, or simply running a bubble bath and pampering themselves.

6. Stay calm when you talk to your partner, and don’t turn it into a fight.

Approach this conversation with a dose of sensitivity so as not to make your partner feel threatened or rejected. Don’t turn it into a fight by blaming them for not having enough time for yourself or mentioning their negative habits.

Use “I” statements instead. This means that, instead of pointing the finger at them and making it about things they do or make you feel, you say something like, “I don’t have enough time for things I love doing, so I’m feeling stressed out.”

If you instead say something like, “Being with you doesn’t give me enough time for myself and you need to understand how you make me feel,” the conversation is likely to turn into a fight.

So, make sure to think about what you are going to say ahead of time, in order to send your message across in a good way.

7. Let them in on what exactly you’ll be doing.

Will you be using your time to exercise, watch TV, or write a novel? Your partner might feel left out or even suspicious if you don’t let them in on what exactly you’ll be doing during your alone time.

You’re probably not going to do the same thing every time, so don’t keep your partner in the dark. Open up to them about the things you do with the time you get to yourself. It will be much easier for them to stay understanding and respectful of your needs if they are always aware of what you’re doing during that time.

If you need it for a hobby, talk to them about it, and they will probably be supportive. Getting alone time doesn’t have to be a big deal, and hopefully they won’t make it one if they know what you’re doing and why.

8. Show them how getting some time and space to yourself makes you feel.

Your partner will certainly be okay with giving you space if you return calmer, happier, and prepared to focus entirely on them while you’re together. Sure, you may tell them that alone time is healthy for you and your relationship, but nothing will reassure them as much as actually seeing the results for themselves.

So, make an effort to use your alone time to make yourself happy, and make your partner happy when you spend time together. Once you both have fulfilling lives besides your love life, you’ll be happier together anyway.

“My Partner Wants Some Alone Time” – 7 Ways To Understand That Need

If your partner has asked you for more alone time, there are ways you can cope with this without assuming that your relationship is going to end.

Your life shouldn’t revolve around your relationship anyway. Have your own life and do your own thing when your partner is doing theirs. Here’s how.

1. Trust them if they reassure you of their feelings for you.

If your partner has clearly said that their need for alone time isn’t a threat to your relationship, don’t assume that it is. Just because someone doesn’t want to spend all their free time with you anymore, doesn’t mean that they care any less about you than when they did.

Unless there are other signs that indicate a problem in your relationship, don’t assume the worst just because they ask for some time by themselves.

Maybe you still want to spend every waking hour with them, but you need to realize that doing so could easily damage your relationship. People can start feeling suffocated or get bored with each other when they spend too much time together.

2. Understand the importance of alone time in a relationship.

People need to feel like they have room to breathe and do their own thing in a relationship. Your lives shouldn’t revolve around each other, even if you are madly in love.

So, realize that more time apart will probably benefit your relationship – if you allow it to.

The time you do spend together will be better quality in terms of your engagement and enjoyment. You’ll become more accepting of each other’s flaws and the little things you find annoying in each other because they won’t be staring you in the face all day. And the experiences you have apart will give you something to talk about.

What’s more, your relationship will move forward at a steady pace, with less risk of it burning out and fading before it’s even got going.

3. Consider whether you have been spending too much time together.

The reason your partner is asking you for more alone time is probably that you’ve been spending most of your free time together so far. This is normal when people fall in love, but it’s not really sustainable.

You both have things you need to get back to, and you shouldn’t drop everything just to spend every minute together. Maybe you have been asking your partner for more of their time than they are prepared to give you.

Give them some room to breathe and do their own thing instead of acting needy and demanding of all their time. In reality, not having separate lives is more of a threat to your relationship than your partner’s need for time to themselves.

4. Consider whether you’re okay with being alone in general.

Maybe your partner’s need for alone time bothers you because you’re not okay with being alone yourself. Learning how to be okay with being alone is going to help you in more ways than one, and it will help your relationship or any other relationships you might form in the future.

Learn to be more independent and enjoy your own company. With practice and dedication, it’s that hard to achieve. And when you like your own company more, others will enjoy your company more too.

While your partner should make you happy, your happiness shouldn’t depend on them. You should be okay with being alone. You should be able to create your own moments of joy.

5. Find things to do to fill your time.

Maybe you don’t like your partner’s request to spend time away from you because you don’t know what to do with yourself. Is there a hobby you’ve been neglecting or a new one that you could try? How about just spending the day in bed, taking a long walk, or a relaxing shower?

There are plenty of things you could do, so think of the ones that you’d enjoy doing and do them. The worst thing that you could do is to just wait for your partner to come back, call you, or text you.

If you have a fulfilling private life, it will reflect positively on all other aspects of your life, including your love life and your social life.

6. Respect your partner’s need for alone time.

Ultimately, when your partner asks you for some alone time, you have to let them have what they need. Respect their need and don’t turn it into a fight.

Even if you don’t understand it, you have no choice but to respect it if you want to make your relationship work. So, don’t nag your partner into spending more time with you and give them reasonable scope to be by themselves.

Of course, it’s something you’ll want to discuss with them. Their wish to be alone sometimes should be balanced against your wish to spend time with them. You should both feel like you get enough of what you need.

You shouldn’t feel needy when asking to spend time with them. It’s more a case of gaining the right perspective in terms of wanting to be together, but respecting them when they want to be apart for a while.

7. Enjoy alone time as well as spending time with your partner.

In the end, you should learn to enjoy the time you get to yourself just like you enjoy spending time with your partner. Once you find pleasure in being alone and doing your own thing, you’ll even enjoy the time with your partner more. You’ll feel happier in general, both separately and when you’re together.

Learn to love yourself, enjoy your own company and make yourself happy. Again, it can only benefit any relationships you already have or will have in the future.

The truth is, even if your partner asks for alone time because they’re unsure about the relationship, your best shot is to let them have it. Pressuring someone into spending time with you rarely results in anything good, whatever your situation may be.

So, even if you don’t like it, give your partner their me-time and learn to be okay in your own company too.

Still not sure how to get alone time and make your partner understand your need for it without upsetting them?

Speak to an experienced relationship expert about it. Why? Because they are trained to help people in situations like yours.

Relationship Hero is a website where you can connect with a certified relationship counselor via phone, video, or instant message.

While you can try to work through this situation yourself or as a couple, it may be a bigger issue than self-help can fix. And if it is affecting your relationship and mental well-being, it is a significant thing that needs to be resolved.

Too many people try to muddle through in their relationships without ever being able to resolve the issues that affect them. If it’s at all possible in your circumstances, speaking to a relationship expert is 100% the best way forward.

Here’s that link again if you’d like to learn more about the service Relationship Hero provide and the process of getting started.

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About The Author

Ana Vakos enjoys writing about love and all the problems that come with it. Everyone has experiences with love, and everyone needs dating advice, so giving these topics more attention and spreading the word means a lot to her.