You want your husband to be happy. After all, when he’s happy, chances are the marriage is happy.
But he’s not happy, and he’s started to blame you for his unhappiness.
He even said or implied that you make him miserable.
If this happened in the middle of a heated argument, your husband might not mean it as much as you think.
But what if he’s said it lots of times? What if there are huge problems in your marriage that are making you both miserable?
Whatever the case may be, your husband shouldn’t blame you for everything that’s bad in his life. After all, it takes two to tango. If there really are problems in your marriage, you are not the only one to blame for them.
It doesn’t even matter whose fault the current state of your marriage is because you should be focused on finding solutions and doing it together as a team.
Granted, maybe that ship has sailed, and you’re already thinking of ending your marriage. That’s one way to go about this, but there are plenty more.
Keep reading and see if anything listed could help you and your husband be happy again.
Speak to a certified relationship counselor about this issue. Why? Because they have the training and experience to help you handle a husband who blames you for his misery. You may want to try speaking to someone via RelationshipHero.com for practical advice that is tailored to your exact circumstances.
1. Realize that you’re not responsible for his happiness.
Yes, you should try to make each other happy in marriage, but your husband’s happiness is not your responsibility. He should be able to find his own happiness and make himself happy.
So, why is he miserable?
Maybe the problem doesn’t have much to do with you. If he is as miserable at work and with friends as he is when he’s with you, he’s the one who has to do something about it.
While you can try to contribute to your husband’s well-being, there’s a lot that he should do for himself, regardless of what you do for him. He could start by not blaming you for his bad mood and trying to identify the real reasons he feels that way.
Yes, some of them will probably have something to do with you and your behavior, but the more he is willing to stop blaming you for everything, the more he’ll discover that he can change on his own.
For instance, maybe he could find a different job, find more time for things he loves doing, and show you the kind of support that he wants to get from you.
2. Consider whether blaming you for his misery is abusive.
The words “You make me miserable” can be said in the heat of an argument and mean nothing more than that the person is upset at the moment.
However, if your husband is deliberately and continually blaming you for his misery, he is being cruel to you. It might even fall into the category of psychological abuse, even if you did something to cause his unhappiness.
Unless you have been abusive yourself, he has no excuse to treat you as if you were the sole source of his misery and blame you for everything that’s wrong in his life. After all, what possible outcome could an approach like that have?
If he doesn’t like your behavior, he could calmly discuss it with you and point out what could be better. For instance, telling you that you have been disrespectful and that he doesn’t feel appreciated is something you can work on.
Saying “you make me miserable” without actually identifying the problems can only make the problem worse.
If your husband doesn’t want to talk about the problems and just blames you for everything, his behavior can be considered abusive, especially if the only goal of his words is to make you just as miserable as he is.
3. Be honest with yourself about your behavior and how it could be seen.
Even if your husband doesn’t mention the specific things that bother him about your behavior, try to be honest with yourself and look at things objectively.
Could your behavior be seen as thoughtless, uncaring, or disrespectful? Have you been making your husband feel loved, or does he have a reason to feel unloved instead?
Learning about the five love languages can help you show love to your husband in a way that he likes to receive it.
For instance, maybe he prefers acts of service instead of receiving gifts, or he likes to have quality time with you instead of hearing words of affirmation. Maybe he wants you to show love with appropriate physical touch instead.
Your love language is the way in which you prefer to show or receive love. If you and your husband discover your love languages, it might improve your marriage.
People show love in different ways. Showing them love in their preferred way can make them feel more loved than if you express your feelings in some other way.
Try to see if there’s something else that you could improve regarding your behavior. If your husband has mentioned things that you do that bother him, try working on them to improve your marriage.
4. Decide whether your marriage is worth working on.
Is your marriage worth working on? This is something only you know the answer to.
If your husband always blames you for everything bad in his life and your marriage, things might have gotten to the point of no return. Naturally, you should also consider separation if he is abusive.
On the other hand, maybe things aren’t that bad.
How often do you fight, and how bad do your fights get? Are you occasionally happy together, or have you been both feeling miserable for a while now?
Have you already tried working on your marriage, and was there any progress? Is your husband willing to work on the marriage with you, or does he expect you to make everything great? Will he blame you for things that aren’t great?
These are some of the questions that you should consider before deciding whether your marriage is worth working on.
5. Have an honest conversation with your husband without pointing fingers.
If you want to work on your marriage, you should start by having an honest heart-to-heart conversation with your husband.
You can even agree not to blame each other during the entire conversation and just focus on things that you could improve about your marriage that would make you both happier.
Instead of using “You” statements, like “You make me miserable,” try to both use “I” statements. For example, “I don’t feel happy anymore because I feel disrespected, and I would like you to give me more attention so that we could work on our marriage together.”
Discussing problems doesn’t have to include pointing fingers at each other and yelling things that you can’t take back later. It can be a calm rational discussion that has a goal of making things right.
Try to always make it your goal to find the solution, not hurt each other.
Have this talk when neither of you is in a bad mood, and calmly identify the things that you both need to work on to make your marriage better.
6. Let him open up to you and tell you why he has been miserable.
Let your husband know that you want to contribute to his happiness but that he’s the only one who knows why he has been feeling miserable.
Don’t get mad if he mentions things that bother him about your behavior and hear him out.
However, once you’re done discussing that, get him to open up to you about other things he’s been upset about. Maybe he doesn’t like his job, or he’s stressed out because he never has time to do the things he likes.
Let him know that you’ll work on things that he doesn’t like about your behavior but that he has to make some changes to make himself happier. Maybe he could get a hobby or work on changing his career path.
Also, certainly, not all of the problems in your marriage are all about you. Tell him what bothers you about him and that you would both feel better if you worked on your marriage together.
If your marriage is the reason that he’s been miserable, you can either work on it or give up on it. If you think that your marriage is worth the trouble, start improving it together.
7. Identify the problems in your marriage together.
What exactly are the problems in your marriage? When you have the conversation and tell each other what bothers you, you will probably still be tossing the blame.
So, don’t let yourselves think that the problems in your marriage are that you use name-calling in fights or that he leaves dirty socks on the floor. Yes, these are things that you should work on, but they’re not your biggest issues.
How well do you communicate? Do you still have date nights and a satisfying sex life? Are you doing your best to show your love?
Don’t let yourselves get overwhelmed with the problems. Try to dig deeper to identify the biggest ones. You can start working on small problems, but be aware of the big issues that you need to work on too.
8. Work on finding solutions together.
Once you know everything that’s not right with your marriage, what do you do about it?
You should both offer solutions and come up with them together. Maybe you could read an article about the issue, get self-help books, and talk to a therapist.
However, make sure to think of some specific actions as well. For instance, you could try showing your husband more love in his preferred love language, and he could stop pointing fingers.
This would be a great start. However, it’s important to think about all the problems because coming up with solutions to just a few probably isn’t going to lead to big changes.
Realize that marriage is something you both need to constantly work on to make it the way you want it to be.
Yes, sometimes there’ll be times of harmony when things will fall in place naturally, but when something is continually causing problems in your marriage, you have to address it and put some effort into resolving it.
9. Try to appreciate him more.
Maybe what your husband wants to say is that he doesn’t feel appreciated enough. Try to appreciate him more, as well as the things he does for you and your kids, if you have children.
This would certainly make him happier, and even if you didn’t cause his misery, you can make him feel good by showing appreciation.
Make an effort to make him feel loved too.
By doing these things you’ll also be setting a good example for him, so he’s likely to show you more appreciation and make you feel more loved in return.
Say the words “Thank you,” “I love you,” and “I’m sorry” more often and encourage him to follow your example if he doesn’t.
10. Plan date nights and rekindle the romance in your marriage.
When was the last time you went on a date with your husband?
Date nights can be very romantic, and if you’re missing romance in your marriage, it’s time to bring it back.
In addition, date nights can be a great time for conversation. This way, you won’t focus on who’s to blame for problems, and you can talk about the ways to fix them and improve your marriage. Even that can be romantic, as long as you talk calmly and keep in mind that you love each other and want to make it work.
Look forward to the future together and make plans for the life that will make you both happy. You can even create a romantic atmosphere at home; you don’t have to go out every time you have a date night.
If you have kids, schedule a time when someone else will be taking care of them so that you have the privacy you need for romance.
11. Start making more decisions together.
Making plans requires making decisions, and you can make them together as a couple.
Maybe your husband feels unhappy because he doesn’t think that you value his opinion. Perhaps you’ve both been making a lot of decisions without consulting each other.
Even if that’s not so, start making more decisions together. It will help you bond, grow as a couple, and feel more appreciated. You can also seek each other’s advice when you need it, instead of turning to someone else or deciding something on your own.
Decide to have a better marriage and find your happiness together. Most importantly, decide to work as a team instead of tossing the blame.
12. Help him become happier.
There are a lot of ways that you could make your husband feel better, and why wouldn’t you?
If you want to improve your marriage, you can start treating him better. Give him compliments, pay more attention to him, listen to him, show your appreciation for the things he does, and make him feel loved and respected to start with.
You can both make an effort to contribute to each other’s happiness by simply being a loving partner.
13. Seek professional help.
You should know when you need outside help, and there’s no shame in seeking it.
There are two types of help you might wish to consider in this situation: couples counseling and mental health therapy.
If your husband is willing to try couples counseling, that’s a great sign. If you both want to work on saving your marriage, it still stands a chance. A counselor can help you to communicate all of the issues you are having clearly and calmly. And they can suggest things you can do – tools and exercises – to change the way you think about each other and the marriage in general.
In addition, if your husband really is that unhappy with his life and your marriage, he might have other issues that need to be addressed. This is where a mental health professional can help to give him the advice and coping mechanisms he needs to feel happier in general.
What’s more, if the state of your marriage and the way your husband has treated you or talked to you has left you feeling anxious or upset, you may find comfort and help by speaking to a therapist too.
14. Take some time apart.
If nothing else works, or you have already decided to give up on your marriage, take some time apart.
You don’t have to end anything, just get some distance so that you can get a feel for what life without each other would look like. For instance, you could visit your parents for a few weeks, or your husband could stay at a friend’s house.
Before fully separating, try to calmly discuss getting some distance so that you could both think about what you want and can do. Acknowledge that your marriage is in trouble but don’t talk about separating yet.
Decide on the amount of time that you’ll be apart and the conclusion you must come to when you see each other again.
You can call it trial separation, but if you’re ready for the real thing, you can consider separating for real.
15. Consider separation.
Even if you don’t need some time apart to know what you want and don’t want, consider separating before getting a divorce.
However, if you are sure that this is what you want, call it the way it is – separation.
This means that you are likely to consider divorce next. The seriousness of the problem should be obvious to both of you.
If you are not willing to work on your marriage, it might be time to give up, but be aware that divorces are rarely straightforward, especially when you have children.
You shouldn’t stick with your husband just because of the challenges a divorce may pose. Be aware of them though so that you can make the necessary preparations, if that’s what you really want.
Still not sure what to do about a husband who says you make him miserable?
Speak to an experienced relationship expert about it. Why? Because they are trained to help people in situations like yours.
Relationship Hero is a website where you can connect with a certified relationship counselor via phone, video, or instant message.
While you can try to work through this situation yourself or as a couple, it may be a bigger issue than self-help can fix. And if it is affecting your relationship and mental well-being, it is a significant thing that needs to be resolved.
Too many people try to muddle through in their relationships without ever being able to resolve the issues that affect them. If it’s at all possible in your circumstances, speaking to a relationship expert is 100% the best way forward.
Here’s that link again if you’d like to learn more about the service Relationship Hero provide and the process of getting started.
You may also like:
- 5 Reasons Why Your Husband Is Always Angry Or Irritable With You
- 13 Reasons Your Spouse Blames You For Everything
- 16 Ways To Get Your Marriage Back On Track
- 25 No Nonsense Signs Your Husband Just Doesn’t Love You Anymore
- 9 Signs Of A Disrespectful Spouse + 10 Ways To Deal With Them
- Should I Get A Divorce? How To Know If/When It’s Time To End Things
- How To Tell Your Spouse You Want A Divorce (The Right Way)