Being touched in sexual places feels good, sometimes.
Other times, it’s the last thing you want your partner to do, and you hate that he keeps doing it.
So, what can you do if your husband constantly gropes you?
Maybe your husband slaps your butt while you’re preparing a meal, gropes you in public, or touches your genitals despite knowing it makes you uncomfortable.
As a matter of fact, you should not tolerate any sexual touch that you feel is inappropriate or makes you uncomfortable.
Some men don’t understand this. After all, if he is your husband isn’t this okay? Well, no, if you don’t enjoy it, it isn’t okay at all! No one is entitled to your body, not even the man you married and love.
Of course, since you are married and probably love this man, it’s safe to assume that sometimes you enjoy his sexual advances and choose to have sex with him. For him, it might be confusing that you enjoy certain touches sometimes, while at other times they make you uncomfortable and/or upset.
What you need to do is clearly state what bothers you and when. We’ll discuss this more later on in the article. For now, just know that unwanted sexual touches should not be tolerated even if you are in an otherwise loving relationship.
Your body is only yours, and you decide what’s okay.
Let’s first explore what’s behind your husband’s desire to grope you constantly. Is it normal? Let’s answer that and many more questions that you might have about this particular situation.
Speak to a certified relationship counselor about this issue. Why? Because they have the training and experience to help you address your husband’s tendency to grope you inappropriately. You may want to try speaking to someone via RelationshipHero.com for practical advice that is tailored to your exact circumstances.
10 Reasons Why A Guy Gropes His Partner
Your partner probably doesn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable. From his perspective, this might be normal behavior through which a husband shows affection and desire toward his wife. So, while you are right about it being inappropriate in certain situations, he is likely oblivious to that fact.
Here are all the reasons why your husband wants to constantly grope you:
1. He is aroused.
Your husband is turned on and wants to express that. It might be that simple.
He probably sees nothing wrong with letting you know he is aroused by groping you, regardless of whether it makes you feel uncomfortable. In fact, he likely thinks that you enjoy it.
When a man is aroused, he wants his woman to know that, and he’s likely hoping that she’ll do something about it. He needs his wife to see him as a desirable, sexual man that still wants her after years of marriage. He might even think that what he’s doing is romantic.
He might also be sexually frustrated and has hopes that you’ll act on his advances and it will lead to sex.
2. He finds you attractive.
Your husband thinks that you’re smoking hot, and he’s lusting for you! This doesn’t sound like a bad thing, but he should still respect your boundaries.
He can’t keep his hands off you because he’s turned on by you and finds you attractive. In his mind, he might be paying you a compliment by groping you.
If he’s doing it in public, he might be trying to show you off by letting the world know that you’re with him. That way, no one will try to steal you away.
When your husband gropes you, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s being abusive or intentionally disrespectful. In fact, while these actions might not be okay, his reasons could even be romantic, in a way. It’s important to consider his point of view before confronting him about it.
3. He doesn’t see anything wrong with it.
Speaking about his point of view, it’s highly likely that he sees nothing wrong with groping you. After all, you’re his wife, not a stranger on a bus. Maybe he saw this kind of behavior growing up, whether it was in his family or in the media. Perhaps his friends behave this way too.
The point is, he probably considers it perfectly normal to grope his wife. He might also be confused because you sometimes enjoy sexual touches. Fixing your problem might be as simple as explaining what makes you uncomfortable as well as what you enjoy…and when!
4. It’s his way of expressing affection.
Maybe being grabby is your husband’s way of expressing affection. However, he shouldn’t feel entitled to your body. Maybe he doesn’t see it that way though, it’s just that his love language is physical touch.
When his touches are unwanted, perhaps it makes him feel unwanted. And he wants you to feel wanted by always touching you.
As already mentioned, no matter how right you may be, you should try to see this from your husband’s point of view before talking to him about it. It will help you understand each other, especially when it comes to what’s appropriate, what’s inappropriate, and when you wish to be touched sexually and when you don’t.
5. He is trying to initiate sex.
When your husband touches you in a sexual way, he might be doing it in the hope of initiating sex. It could be his way of letting you know that he is in the mood and asking you whether you’re in the mood too.
As a matter of fact, your husband might believe that you enjoy this even if you’ve expressed your discomfort. He could be playful and assume that this is some sort of dance you do before intercourse to make it more fun.
As crazy as it sounds, if you haven’t communicated well with your husband about his grabby behavior, this whole problem might be a simple misunderstanding. His perspective on this might be entirely different from the reality you’re facing.
Of course, you might be dealing with a sexually demanding husband whose libido is higher than yours, in which case his constant groping is hardly surprising (though this doesn’t make it okay).
6. He is not aware that it bothers you.
Even if you have told your husband that you don’t want him touching you all the time, he might not be aware that it bothers you. He might assume that you’re being playful too, that “no” just means that he has to try harder to put you in the mood, that you’re playing some sort of game, or even that it’s a part of your foreplay.
When it comes to boundaries, it’s of crucial importance that you communicate them clearly and stick to them no matter what. Otherwise, your husband might not be aware that this bothers you. It’s not enough to say it, you need to explain it, and you’ll learn how later on in the article.
7. He doesn’t know how to “read the room.”
An inability to “read the room” could mean that your husband can’t understand that you’re not in the mood, or he doesn’t see that it’s inappropriate to get grabby in public or in front of your kids.
What makes it even more confusing for him is that you probably occasionally like it. So he can’t read the room and sense when you don’t want him to do that.
8. He thinks that you enjoy it (even if you said you don’t).
As already mentioned, your husband might be under the impression that you enjoy it when he touches you sexually, even if you explicitly said that you don’t on several occasions. The confusing part is that you probably do have sex with him; after all, you are married to him.
So why would it be inappropriate when he, for instance, touches you while you’re asleep? He might be trying to initiate sex or feels entitled to your body. The point is, he might think that it’s totally fine with you even though you said “no.”
We all know that, even though “no” often means “no,” sometimes, in loving relationships, it can mean “maybe” or even “yes.” If your husband can’t read the room and your “no” doesn’t always mean “no,” he could be under the impression that you enjoy it when he gropes you.
9. He thinks that it’s how he’s supposed to behave.
We all know about those old movies where the boss slaps his secretary on her behind or his loving wife in an apron while she’s making him a pie. After all, those are not just movies, these things were considered normal at some point in our history.
So, your husband might need a big “welcome to the 21st century” wake-up call. He might be stuck in the wrong movie that you don’t enjoy living in.
In fact, he might have grown up watching men behave this way toward women they love, so he thinks that it’s how he’s supposed to behave in a marriage. It will take a little while until he jumps in the time machine and unlearns the patterns that are no longer acceptable.
10. He thinks that it’s manly.
There’s nothing manlier than slapping your woman’s butt while she’s cooking you dinner, right? Unfortunately, many men think that way. They don’t realize that getting your attention by grabbing your boob means behaving like a teenager, not a man.
While in his mind he thinks that he’s behaving manly, he might simply be seeking your attention and affection by behaving inappropriately.
Maybe he almost exclusively touches you sexually and doesn’t know the value of a loving embrace or a gentle kiss on the cheek. He doesn’t think it’s manly enough, so you will have to help him realize that non-sexual touches can be more pleasant to a woman than sexual ones.
15 Steps To Stop The Groping
So now that you can see things from your husband’s perspective, you might be able to look at this from a few different angles. This will help you to get to the root of the problem, but that’s only one of the steps to stop the groping.
You will need to talk to your husband and stick to your boundaries in order for him to unlearn this behavior. Here are all the steps you need to take to stop the groping:
1. Consider why you don’t like it.
We’ve talked a lot about your husband’s point of view, now let’s talk about yours. Why don’t you like it when your husband touches you sexually? Is it because he touches you at inappropriate times, or do you generally not enjoy his touch anymore?
Consider the possibility that you have intimacy issues, even if you feel sure that you don’t. Afterward, consider all the other reasons why you don’t like it. For instance, maybe your husband only touches you sexually and doesn’t explore other forms of physical intimacy.
Maybe you’re not into public displays of affection (PDA), and he is. Perhaps you’re worried about being touched like that in front of your kids. Consider all the reasons why you don’t like his sexual touches. This will be useful when the time comes for a conversation with him.
2. Consider how often it happens.
How often does your husband grope you and make you feel uncomfortable? Does it happen constantly, when he is in the mood for sex, or when you look especially attractive? This might help explain why he’s doing it.
Does he touch you this way every day, every hour, or every time you’re in bed? Answering these questions will also help you identify how much touching is too much for you and when you would prefer not to be touched that way.
3. Find out the reason he’s doing it.
What’s behind his need to constantly touch you? Depending on the reason, you can look for a solution. Consider the reasons we listed above, but make sure to think beyond them as well. You know your husband best.
For instance, maybe he is very childish and needy. He could be groping you just to get your attention or affection. It could be that physical touch is his love language. Maybe he was raised to think that’s normal, or all his friends act that way as well.
Maybe he’s turned on by PDA. Perhaps you’re still in the honeymoon phase. Think about what makes the most sense to you, but also remind yourself to give your partner the chance to explain the reason.
4. Be prepared for his reaction.
Your husband may say that you are overreacting or making a big deal out of nothing. He might tell you that it’s just his way of expressing love. Maybe he’ll say that you simply look so hot that he can’t keep his hands off you.
Again, you know your husband best, so think about how he is going to react when you talk to him about this. Be sure to consider the reasons he’s doing it to help you pinpoint his possible reactions.
5. Explain when you like and don’t like sexual touches.
Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he’s simply confused because you occasionally enjoy being touched that way and occasionally don’t. Don’t expect your husband to be a mind reader if you never clearly explained things to him.
If your husband loves you, and it’s probably safe to assume that he does, he probably doesn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable, he just doesn’t understand your point of view on this. Explain when you like and don’t like sexual touches.
For instance, maybe you are in the mood after a romantic dinner in a fancy restaurant while your kids are having a sleepover at their friend’s place. You’re not in the mood when other people are around you or when you are cooking. Be as precise as possible, and help your husband learn to read the room.
6. Explain that intimacy doesn’t have to be sexual.
Intimacy is not about sex, or at least not just about sex. It’s defined as a deep connection and closeness with someone you’re in an emotional relationship with. While you can feel a connection and closeness during sex, this is just one of the ways to build intimacy in your marriage.
You can bond over things you have in common, introduce romance into your everyday life, and have meaningful conversations that make you connect on a deeper level.
Share your feelings and get to know each other even better than you already do. Intimacy doesn’t have to be physical; it can be emotional. Not to mention physical intimacy can include other things besides sex. Explain this to your man.
7. Set limits.
Maybe you prefer certain types of sexual touches, and you don’t mind when your husband gropes you during sex, but you don’t like him doing it at the dinner table. Set clear limits when you communicate with your husband.
For instance, he can grab your hand and kiss you, but he can’t slap your behind. Let him know what you enjoy and what you don’t—give specific examples.
Give your husband the benefit of the doubt and assume for a second that he really isn’t aware that you don’t enjoy certain touches. Communicate calmly, clearly, and openly.
8. Give him examples.
What exactly don’t you like, and when exactly don’t you like it? Odds are, your husband doesn’t want to bother you, he’s just not clear on what you dislike. Be specific and give him examples of times when you didn’t enjoy his touches.
Make sure to also give examples of times when you do enjoy being touched that way. If there are types of touches that you never enjoy, make that perfectly clear to him as well. Stay calm, but be straightforward and specific. You should also let him know how his behavior makes you feel.
9. Tell him that it bothers you.
Explain to him how you feel when he touches you in ways or at times that you don’t like. Let him know if you consider it to be inappropriate or disrespectful. Explain everything calmly, but be clear instead of hinting at things. If “no” always means “no” to you, make that clear too.
Be calm but serious when you tell him that it bothers you when he touches you in a certain way.
Talk about his reasons for doing it too. Don’t let him avoid this conversation, and tell him that you have to communicate openly about sex if you’re going to have a healthy marriage.
10. Set and enforce boundaries.
Set clear boundaries. If you don’t like something, don’t be vague or say you like it sometimes, be as specific and clear as possible instead. Most importantly, stick to your boundaries. When your husband repeats his behavior after you’ve had the conversation, speak up for yourself and remind him.
Have the conversation again if needed. Your husband might still not take you seriously enough the first time. That is why it’s important to set consequences in order to enforce boundaries.
11. Set consequences.
Let your husband know what will happen if and when he crosses your boundaries, and make sure to stick to your guns.
If he gropes you at a time or in a way that you’ve explained you do not like, then simply walk away. You could go to another room, walk the dog, or go out with your friends. This will likely cause him to take you seriously if he hasn’t thus far.
Again, you know your husband the best, so consider which consequences would help him understand you best.
12. Be the one who initiates intimacy.
When it comes to sexual intimacy, if your husband can’t be clear on when you want it and when you don’t, agree that from now on, you’ll be the one who always initiates it, at least for a while. Just make sure to initiate sex as frequently as you had it before and whenever you’re in the mood.
13. Come up with a code word/action.
If your husband can’t read the room, maybe he needs a code word or an action to let him know that you’re in the mood for sexual touches. This could be anything from saying “pineapple pizza” to giving him “that look” or stroking his knee.
He should only initiate sexual touches when he gets the signal from you. This will surely prevent groping when you don’t feel like it since your husband will only do it when he gets the go ahead.
14. Explain the importance of romance and intimacy.
As already mentioned, you should help your husband understand the definition of intimacy. The reason he’s behaving this way might be that he believes intimacy is only sex. So explain the other ways of building intimacy, both physical and emotional.
Point out the importance of romance as well. It doesn’t put you in the mood when he grabs your behind, but lighting some candles and playing soft jazz would likely do the trick. Let him know if this is the case.
15. Give examples of non-sexual touching.
Don’t forget to explain to your husband that it’s not like you feel disgusted when he touches you. It’s just that sexual touches are not always something you’re into.
It’s likely that you’re always open to hugging, holding hands, cuddling, kissing on the cheek, and similar ways of touching in a non-sexual way.
Help your husband learn to explore other forms of physical intimacy besides sexual ones, and let him know if you’re okay with those kinds of touches.
In the end, your husband needs to realize that this is a big deal. After all, you wouldn’t have searched for this article if it didn’t bother you a lot. Don’t allow him to invalidate your feelings or try to minimize the issue.
If your first attempt at getting him to stop don’t work, keep having the conversation, keeping telling him how it makes you feel, and keep enforcing your boundaries. Don’t give in if he doesn’t change his ways straight away—this is not a situation you should have to accept just for the sake of a more harmonious marriage.
If he doesn’t take this seriously, you’ll likely experience growing resentment toward him, and this resentment will be a far more toxic presence in your marriage than any discomfort you both may experience when you enforce your boundaries.
Still not sure how to stop your husband from groping you?
Speak to an experienced relationship expert about it. Why? Because they are trained to help people in situations like yours.
Relationship Hero is a website where you can connect with a certified relationship counselor via phone, video, or instant message.
While you can try to work through this situation yourself or as a couple, it may be a bigger issue than self-help can fix. And if it is affecting your relationship and mental well-being, it is a significant thing that needs to be resolved.
Too many people try to muddle through in their relationships without ever being able to resolve the issues that affect them. If it’s at all possible in your circumstances, speaking to a relationship expert is 100% the best way forward.
Here’s that link again if you’d like to learn more about the service Relationship Hero provide and the process of getting started.