Why You Keep Going Back To Him (15 Reasons)

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You’ve seen it a thousand times… A woman loves a man, but the man hurts her, or the relationship simply doesn’t work out.

They break up.

But then she goes back to him.

And not just once. She might go back to him again and again.

Why does this happen? Is her love for him so strong that it clouds her judgment?

Well, something like that.

If you keep going back to the man that you shouldn’t be with, your love for him is not the only reason. You’re about to learn all the possible reasons.

But before you do, there’s something important to bear in mind. If you’re in an abusive relationship with someone, it might not have been in your power to stop the abuse from happening. However, you can stop it from continuing.

So, use these reasons to learn how to leave him for good. Here’s why you keep going back to a man who’s not right for you:

1. You lost your sense of self-worth.

Someone once said that you shouldn’t mistake darkness for light no matter how well your eyes adjust to it. But, when you lose your sense of self-worth, you also stop understanding what’s right for you and lose your boundaries.

If you’re in a one-sided relationship where the man doesn’t care as much about you as you care about him, it harms your self-esteem. Yes, you probably feel needed and wanted when you give to someone else. But don’t forget that a man can take advantage of you by never giving anything in return.

Focus on improving your self-esteem. Do things that you enjoy, keep yourself active, and remind yourself of your good qualities. Don’t engage in negative self-talk and challenge negative thoughts when they occur.

Your man might make you think that you can’t find anyone better than him, but ask yourself whether he’s right. Look for proof of negative statements, and you are likely to find that there is no evidence.

You are lovable, and someone right for you would treat you better than a man who doesn’t care about you as much as you care about him. Tell yourself that instead of telling yourself that you don’t deserve love. Your negative beliefs might be based purely on low self-esteem.

2. You think that he’ll change.

So many women stay in toxic relationships because they believe that the man will eventually change, but this almost never happens. The truth is, people change, but they only change if they want to, decide to, and persist in putting effort into it.

They’re not going to change because of someone else, and they shouldn’t. So, no matter how badly you want your man to be better, he probably sees nothing wrong with being who he is and treating you poorly.

Change requires consistent effort over a long period of time. People who embark on that road eventually start showing progress. If your man has promised to change but shows no progress, he’s probably not even trying to change.

Always focus on actions rather than words. A man can say that he’ll become different, but do his actions back it up? He might do something differently on an occasion or two, but stop grasping at straws.

In the end, you shouldn’t be with someone if you hope for them to be different. If they’re not right for you the way they are, there’s someone else who is.

Don’t wait for him to change, and stop settling. Find the kind of person that you want to be with instead of hoping that he’ll become one.

3. You are afraid of starting over and he’s familiar.

People can become comfortable in toxic relationships. After all, you know what you can expect. He hurts you, so you have a big fight, but you come back and forgive him, whether he apologizes or not.

Drama can be predictable. It’s a toxic pattern, but it’s a pattern, and patterns are familiar.

No matter how scary familiar things are, the unfamiliar can seem even scarier. If you started over, you wouldn’t know what to expect anymore. Anything could happen, and you couldn’t predict it. That frightens you, so you stick with what you know.

Don’t stay with a man just because you’re used to being with him. You are supposed to grow and improve by being open to new things, not close yourself into a familiar box and learn to become comfortably numb.

Consider what your life would be like 10 years from now if you stay together or if you leave him. If you stay, you are going to be miserable, and it’s likely going to get worse. You’ll waste a lot of your time on someone who’s not right for you.

Instead, if you end the relationship, you’ll be free to look for someone who’s right for you. A decade from now, you could be happily married to the man of your dreams.

4. You keep having sex with him.

A lot of times it’s actually quite simple. Don’t have sex with your ex. Most on-and-off relationships happen because people keep having sex after breaking up.

You might think that you can control your emotions and have casual or friendly sex with someone who was your partner, but that’s unlikely to happen.

When you have sex with someone, your brain releases oxytocin, which makes you feel attached again. In addition, your partner might not be able to control their emotions even if you can.

When you break up with someone, you end everything. You can’t end a relationship and keep having sex; it’s not how it works.

A lot of people still do this which leads to messy situations and confusing feelings. Maybe you’re having insanely great sex, and that’s great! Unfortunately, it doesn’t mean that the other aspects of your relationship will work just as magically.

Even if you have incredible chemistry, you might not be right for each other. It is possible to have that kind of chemistry with someone who’s right for you.

Do you always end up together after a big fight because you have make-up sex? Stop having sex, and talk about the solutions to your problems. If there aren’t any, don’t get physical.

5. You love the drama.

Some people are addicted to drama, and it’s understandable. We watch movies and read books because of it.

Real-life drama is not healthy though. Ending the relationship and hooking up again gives you a sense of adventure and excitement. You don’t know how to turn that into a healthy relationship, so you just repeat the toxic patterns and enjoy the rush.

What you need to realize is that you can have an exciting relationship without heated arguments. There are endless fun date ideas and hobbies that you could try to keep your relationship exciting and healthy at the same time.

Some people love drama to the point that they invite it into their lives and even create it themselves. This could be due to deep insecurities, unhealed childhood issues, or something else that has gone unnoticed.

So, talk to a therapist if you’re addicted to drama to the point that you keep getting involved in toxic relationships. A therapist can help you identify the root of the problem, heal, and form healthy relationships in the future.

The right person is unlikely to cause any drama. So, if you keep searching for a man who brings drama into your life, you’ll continue to be in unhealthy relationships.

6. You still follow each other on social media.

You can’t ignore him if you keep seeing his posts when you use social media. If you don’t delete each other on social media, you’ll get constant reminders and opportunities to talk to him.

You don’t need to see his pictures when you’re trying to get over him. At least unfollow him if you can’t get yourself to block him.

When you break up with someone, it’s best to cut all contact, and this includes social media. Maybe you don’t want to do this because you hope to stay friends with your ex, but you can’t be friends right away anyway.

Cut all contact until you’ve both completely moved on, and then if you still want to be friends, you can get in touch again.

7. You don’t think that you can find someone better.

It’s common to feel afraid that you’ll never find love again. This can cause people to stay in relationships that aren’t working anymore. You might think that you can’t find someone better than your partner, so you settle and stay with them.

Just like with any other negative thought, challenge this one and find proof of it. Why do you assume that you won’t find anyone better and/or find love again?

Even if the relationship that you’re trying to leave was very special and intense, you can find something like that again. In fact, you’re likely to find something better.

Your self-esteem might be so low that you think no one will ever love you again, or that you don’t deserve anyone better than your partner. Again, it’s important to work on your self-esteem as described in the first point.

If your partner is controlling, he might deliberately harm your self-esteem in an attempt to keep you from leaving him. It’s a common way for manipulators and abusers to make their victims dependent on them so that they keep coming back even if they try to break free.

Again, you’ll probably want to work through self-esteem issues with a trained professional so that you stop feeling drawn back to your ex and to other controlling men in future.

8. You love him and don’t love yourself.

Obviously, you love this man, but not every love is healthy. Try to redirect that love and love yourself more than you love him. Love yourself enough to have self-respect and walk away from someone who’s hurting your self-esteem.

You can’t always be with the person you love, and sometimes we love people who aren’t good for us. Thankfully, there’s no fixed number of times a person can fall in love.

You will love again, with just as much passion as you do now, if not more. So, search for healthy love, the kind that won’t leave you broken and messed up.

A person who loves themselves doesn’t stay in a toxic relationship. Simply the gesture of leaving such a relationship is a sign of self-love. Take care of yourself by wanting what’s best for you.

This man is clearly not right for you, so stop yourself from going back to him. Look for someone who you can love while loving yourself at the same time, because if you can’t love yourself, you’re with the wrong person.

9. You want closure.

Maybe you keep going back because there’s something that you’ve left unfinished. You seek closure, but each time you go back, you actually create more open ends. It’s like healing from a wound. You need to give it time to heal completely because if you keep opening it, it will take much longer to recover.

It’s okay to need closure, but you must understand that you can’t always get it. You’re certainly hoping that your partner will give you closure, which is unlikely to happen, while you could find closure on your own.

Make closure a choice and decide that it’s over. Find the ending to your love story and settle for what you can find.

You could also write a letter to your partner where you truly say goodbye to him and explain why you can’t keep going back to him. Don’t send the letter, writing it will be enough to give you the closure that you crave. Give yourself enough time to process your feelings after the breakup.

For more on this topic, you should read our article: 11 Tips To Move On From A Relationship Without Closure

10. You are guided by emotions instead of common sense.

It’s okay to follow your heart, but sometimes you must listen to your head instead. Maybe you know that you shouldn’t go back to him, but you let your emotions lead you and neglect what your common sense is telling you.

This is something that only you can stop. No attention is better than negative attention, so stop telling yourself the opposite. Loving someone is not an excuse for letting them abuse you more.

When you love someone, it’s supposed to make you feel good. The person you love is supposed to make you happy.

You know all this, so why settle for a toxic relationship? Yes, listen to your heart, but make sure that what it’s telling you is reasonable and good for you. Otherwise, let your head make the important decisions.

11. You don’t want to be alone.

People often go back to their ex out of fear. Maybe you’re afraid of being alone and single again. You have to understand that being in a toxic relationship is not better than being in no relationship at all.

Maybe you confuse being alone with being lonely. When you’re single, you’re not all alone in the world. You get to spend time with your friends and family, focus on yourself, and practice your hobbies. In addition, you get to meet other single people and go on dates until you find the right person for you.

So, being single is not that bad. It’s certainly much better than being in an unhealthy relationship. What’s more, you’re highly unlikely to find a partner while you’re already involved with someone. Be alone until the right person comes along instead of letting someone who’s bad for you block their way into your life.

12. You don’t want him to be with someone else.

Maybe you simply don’t want your ex to find someone else. So you keep hooking up with them before they can find a new partner.

You might think that as long as you keep going back to them, they’ll be yours, while, if you wait long enough, you’ll lose them forever. You can’t yet accept losing them forever, but that’s kind of what you’re supposed to do.

Your ex will probably find someone, but so will you. Both of you have an actual shot at happiness with someone else, so that’s a good thing. After all, you’re obviously not right for each other.

You could keep making each other miserable….. Or you could end things and give each other a chance at something better.

13. You are attracted to each other even though you’re not compatible.

What is it that keeps drawing you together? It’s very likely that it’s sexual attraction. But that’s simply not enough. You need a much stronger foundation for a healthy relationship.

Maybe you find each other incredibly attractive, but you just can’t get along. You are not compatible enough for a relationship even though you’re sexually compatible.

Your personality types don’t align, you have conflicting values, and you want different things in life. This is a clear sign that your relationship is not going to work out, so don’t rely on your sexual attraction.

Again, don’t keep sleeping together if it’s obvious that it’s not going to work out between you. You’re just going to prolong things. Ending the relationship and moving on will be more difficult the longer you stay together.

Maybe you tolerate your passionate fights because you’re just as passionate in the bedroom, but most of your life will go on outside of the bedroom. You can’t have constant fights and a healthy relationship no matter how great your sex life is.

14. You fear change.

You may be unsure if your life will be better if you leave him, but it will certainly be different, and that scares you. Some people are terrified of change.

They’d rather stay in a bad situation than risk finding out what will happen if they move on. This is similar to going back to someone because they’re familiar.

Let’s face it, a relationship changes a lot of things in your life, and the same happens when the relationship ends. However, you can always change things for the better.

Learn from your past experiences and make wiser choices in the future. Look for what you actually want in life, not what you can easily and quickly get. Embrace change and work on yourself so that you can become the best possible version of you.

Change can be negative, but growth always brings change, and successful people work on self-growth all their lives.

15. The circumstances changed.

In the end, maybe your partner didn’t hurt you. Maybe there were just some external factors that stood between you. For instance, maybe you went to different colleges, or one of you moved away.

You tried to work through the challenges but couldn’t. Only because you both really wanted to, you tried again…and again. You are still trying now, hoping that you can make it work this time.

And, hey, maybe circumstances will change again and you can be together after all. But are you prepared to take that chance? Are you willing to wait and wait in the hope that you might possibly, one day, manage to settle down together?

What if that day never comes? You are undoubtedly missing out on other chances for happiness by holding on too tightly to this one-in-a-thousand chance.

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So there you have it, 15 reasons why you keep going back to him.

But listen carefully: if your partner hurt or abused you, don’t stay with him. Don’t keep going back to someone who’s bad for you when you can find someone who’ll treat you right.

End the relationship for real this time, cut all contact, and give yourself time to grieve and move on. Have an official break up, after which you’re not going back again.

Whether you are in a toxic relationship and don’t know how to escape for good, or you have other issues that are preventing you from moving on from a relationship that doesn’t have a happy ending, speak to a professional and get help. You don’t have to do this alone.

Just talking to someone can lift the weight from your shoulders and help you to see a bright future without this guy in your life. Sometimes we need that helping hand to make a decision or take an action we feel powerless to do by ourselves.

A good place to get help is the website Relationship Hero – here, you’ll be able to connect with a relationship counselor via phone, video, or instant message.

While you can try to work through this situation yourself, it may be a bigger issue than self-help can fix. And if it is affecting your mental well-being, it is a significant thing that needs to be resolved.

Don’t muddle through and hope that things get better if you’ve been going back to this guy over and over for a while now. You’ve given it your best shot and it hasn’t quite worked out – that’s nothing to be ashamed of. You might just need someone to guide you and be there for you to talk to when you feel tempted to go back.

Click here if you’d like to learn more about the service Relationship Hero provide and the process of getting started.

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About Author

Ana Vakos enjoys writing about love and all the problems that come with it. Everyone has experiences with love, and everyone needs dating advice, so giving these topics more attention and spreading the word means a lot to her.