Many marriages end in separation and divorce—that’s just a fact.
But there is one type of breakup that has come to be known as Walkaway Wife Syndrome.
Let’s delve a little deeper into this form of separation, shall we?
What is Walkaway Wife Syndrome?
Walkaway Wife Syndrome is when a woman suddenly and unexpectedly leaves her marriage and, most often, initiates a divorce.
Sometimes referred to as Neglected Wife Syndrome or Wife Rejection Syndrome, Walkaway Wife Syndrome can be the result of intense, prolonged periods of disagreements and arguments, empty nest syndrome, mental health issues, and a whole host of one-off issues that blow things up.
Of course, it can also be a consequence of slow-burning issues in the marriage that lead to the woman feeling lonely, resentful, and neglected. This happens a lot more often than many people realize.
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Why do wives leave?
Walkaway Wife Syndrome could happen for any number of reasons—a huge argument, an unforgivable incident such as cheating or having an affair, falling in love with someone else, or a clash of values over something really important.
Of course, these are often isolated incidents that are easy to pinpoint—what about when it seems to come out of nowhere? Here are some other reasons why wives leave their husbands.
If your wife has suddenly voiced her intention to leave, or has left and is asking for a divorce, it could be due to some long-term issues that have been simmering under the surface.
You may have noticed small changes over time, or you might have been oblivious to the micro adjustments in your wife’s behavior. Either way, you didn’t realize that there was so much going on behind the scenes.
One of the most common reasons for women to walk away from their husbands is emotional neglect. Your wife may have felt neglected in the marriage and had certain expectations that were not met, or she may have felt like she wasn’t being emotionally supported or understood.
Maybe you focused on your needs over hers. Did you avoid talking about your or her emotions? Did you, even, invalidate her feelings when she tried to express them? Did you barely spend any time together doing couples’ activities? Did you forget important dates?
Imbalanced power dynamics.
Was the distribution of tasks or responsibilities equal, or was she the one doing more in the relationship?
We often think of domestic labor as things like cooking, cleaning, doing the school run, putting the trash out, and so on. What this often fails to include is the “emotional labor” that is typically done by women in a relationship—remembering birthdays and sending cards or flowers, organizing holiday get-togethers, keeping track of the family calendar, and so on.
This level of labor is often unseen or unappreciated, and it can lead to a huge imbalance in any relationship.
Regardless of how many times you emptied the dishwasher when it was “your turn,” ask yourself how many times you sent “get well” flowers to your neighbor.
There are a lot of tasks that men perform that are seen as brave or modern—such as “babysitting” their own kids. You are not a babysitter if you’re looking after your own child—and you are not doing your wife a “favor” by doing this either.
These are all things to bear in mind when establishing why your wife has walked away from your marriage—was there true equality in the relationship?
Another reason it may happen is a gradual change in the relationship over the years. It’s common for people to grow apart in a marriage, and this can be for any number of reasons. We’re all influenced by people, events, and situations.
For example, if your wife has changed careers or started with a new company, she may have met the kind of people she’d otherwise not have spoken to. They may have shared different opinions to those she’s used to, which may have caused her to start questioning things in her life (and marriage).
Equally, one of you may have had health issues over the years which has caused the relationship to change in some way—maybe one of you is no longer as able or interested in sex due to medication or surgery, or it could mean that your wife has re-evaluated her life and realized how short it is, hence wanting to make a change while she still can.
Equally, your wife may have left because she felt a change in your behavior. It’s worth evaluating your own impact on the marriage—have you been too busy or distracted to spend quality time with your wife? Have you lost interest in physical or emotional intimacy? Are you attracted to someone else?
Your wife will have picked up on any changes in your behavior, which may have caused her to then pull away in return. You may not have picked up on her pulling away, which may have then caused her to retreat even further.
She may be upset that you haven’t noticed the change in her behavior and may feel neglected or frustrated that you don’t seem to care about it.
Either way, there may have been some distance brewing over time that’s now come to the surface and is a much more obvious issue.
6 early signs your wife may leave:
Although the situation can often seem sudden to both the husband and those around the couple, there are often signs of Walkaway Wife Syndrome in the build-up to it happening.
1. She becomes distant.
You may notice that your wife has become more distant or absent, whether that’s physically or mentally. She might be spending less time in the house with you or avoiding social events with your mutual friends or family members.
She may also be avoiding personal conversations or may become a quieter version of herself around you, or in general.
You may feel as though she’s pulling away or diminishing.
She might make excuses to spend less time together, whether that’s eating at work to avoid dinner time with you or going to bed early to avoid sitting near you on the sofa.
Either way, you’ve noticed that something has changed and not in a good way.
2. You’ve stopped arguing.
If you and your partner have had recurring discussions or disagreements that have recently stopped, it may be a sign that your wife is no longer emotionally invested in the relationship.
She may have stopped caring about some things because she knows that there will be no long-term implications. The outcome no longer matters because she won’t be around long enough to see those consequences. She doesn’t feel the need to fight her corner or invest any energy into arguments.
You may notice this more if your wife was previously vocal or feisty when it came to expressing her opinions or feelings.
3. The sex has dried up.
Your marriage may no longer involve any sex or intimacy, or you may notice a shift in how often or intense it is. If your wife has switched off emotionally, you’ll probably notice that you no longer have sex as often as you used to, or that she’s no longer interested in it at all.
You may feel as though you’re always the one initiating or suggesting it, or that she’s simply going through the motions when it does happen. She might pull away from any kind of physical touch, sexual or otherwise, such as hugs, kisses, holding hands and so on.
4. Your needs don’t factor into her thinking.
Your wife may no longer seem that interested in your needs—she might have stopped taking your feelings into consideration or just stopped thinking about the consequences of her actions and how they may impact you.
For example, she might have stopped asking you about what you’d like to eat when it’s her turn to cook, or she might make plans without asking you if you want to join.
5. She avoids talking about the future.
You might have noticed that your wife has stopped talking about the future with you. She seems reluctant to commit to future plans or talk about long-term goals in your marriage, such as trips you want to take together or milestone birthdays you can plan.
She may not even want to discuss upcoming family events because she feels guilty that she’s already decided to leave the marriage.
6. She’s hinted at separating your finances.
If your wife has talked about separating your finances, for whatever reason, it could be a sign that she’s getting ready to leave you. She may have brought this up when talking about insurance, savings, or her will, but there may be something more to it. It may be part of a long-term plan to end the marriage and walk away.
How to convince your wife to stay when she’s decided to leave.
If your wife has walked away from your marriage, you’re likely to be feeling distraught and hopeless. There may still be a chance that you can work things out together, so don’t give up!
Here are some things you can try to convince her to stay.
Evaluate the situation.
Firstly, you need to take some time to try to understand where this is all coming from. As we mentioned earlier, Walkaway Wife Syndrome often isn’t as sudden as it seems, so it’s worth really digging into what you think may have caused your wife to walk away from the marriage.
We’d suggest doing this before you have a conversation with your wife so that you’re more informed and prepared for anything she brings up. This will also show her that you care and have taken the time to consider her feelings, rather than you simply reacting or placing blame.
Get a second opinion.
You may also want to speak with close friends or family members you trust. Avoid speaking to her friends for now, as she will likely find out about this and be upset you’ve gone behind her back.
Those outside our relationships often spot things we’re blind to, so your friends are likely to have some insight into the marriage that you may not have previously considered. They may be able to remember turning points or events that happened that seemed to shift things in the marriage.
Process before you communicate.
Rather than speaking to your wife when things are so raw and confusing, give yourself some space to really process what’s happening before you reach out to her. This means that, when you do speak to her, the first layer of hurt will be less intense (even if only a little bit), and you’ll be more likely to have a genuine conversation.
It’s incredibly hard to speak to someone who has hurt you without the anger and pain coming up, so set realistic expectations for yourself—nobody is expecting you to have a completely rational and emotionally mature conversation about something like this! However, giving yourself some time to process will help you be as rational and emotionally mature as possible in this situation.
Reach out to your wife.
Once you’ve taken some time to evaluate the situation and allowed yourself the space to process, you can reach out to your wife.
Try to avoid using blame language where it’s not necessary—if she’s walked away because she’s been having an affair, it’s valid. But if you’ve grown apart but no huge conflict has happened, she’s likely to be feeling very upset and frustrated as well, so placing the blame solely on her will not go well.
Use open language and explain how you’re feeling, and ask her to talk about her feelings, too. When we experience something traumatic like this, it’s very easy to get caught up in our own feelings—this is natural and understandable, but it’s important to show that you care about how your wife feels, too.
If the reason she walked away was due to feeling emotionally neglected, this is even more important. Even if it’s hard, do your best to validate her experience of the marriage—her feelings are legitimate and, unless she is being manipulative or toxic, she deserves to express her experiences of being in the relationship.
Listen to her and validate her experiences.
By sitting back and listening to your wife, you’ll get an actual understanding of what has led to her walking away. It may not be what you expected, and that’s okay—you can’t be prepared for every possible scenario, but try to stay calm during the conversation.
This is her opportunity to tell her side of the story as much as it’s yours. Remember that you’re having this conversation because you want to figure out what caused her to leave and to rectify it so that she comes back.
Create a safe space for her to discuss this by staying calm, asking questions without being demanding, and validating her feelings, even if you don’t fully understand them just yet.
You can also talk about your experience, of course—it’s natural to feel defensive in this kind of situation, but it’s also important not to start attacking. You’re having this conversation because you care, and it’s okay to show that you feel upset or guilty at how your behavior may have made her feel. This may feel like a weakness, but it shows that you care about her and that you want the marriage to work.
Show you still care.
When you speak to your wife, make it clear that you want her to come back and that you don’t want a divorce. It may sound obvious, but if she’s left because she’s no longer feeling emotionally supported or cared about, she may really need this reminder!
Your wife may have walked away from the marriage because she feels as though you’re not present enough in it or don’t care enough about it to make it work. If this was a surprise to you, try to remember that she may have been thinking about this for a long time.
She may have become so used to her interpretation of your actions that she needs the reminder that you do actually care. To her, you may have been distracted or disinterested, so make it clear to her that this isn’t the case and that you genuinely want to work on things.
Explain how you feel.
Avoid using blame language, but make it clear that this has upset you and that you regret that the marriage has come to this. She may be so consumed with her own feelings, especially if this has been going on for longer than you may have been aware, that she might not have fully thought through how it’s impacting you.
Often, when we feel as though someone doesn’t care about us, it’s hard to picture them being upset if we walk away. Prove to her that you do care and that this has impacted you; it’ll be a reminder that there is still love and respect in the marriage, which is what she may have felt was missing before.
Take responsibility and apologize where necessary.
You don’t necessarily need to take responsibility for everything that she may have been upset by in the marriage, but it’s important to address some of the points she’s raised. You can justify some of the things that she may not have liked during the marriage, of course, but, if you want things to work, there are some things you will have to accept and take accountability for if they are genuinely valid.
A lot of wives that walk away without there having been a huge conflict or argument do so because they don’t feel their husband cares about them anymore. Your wife may feel as though you stopped taking her into consideration or didn’t think about how your behavior may have impacted her. Prove that you do care by addressing what has happened and accepting responsibility where possible.
Agree on a plan—and make it relevant.
At some point, there needs to be an agreement on how to move forward. This may take a while, but your commitment to figuring it out will mean a lot to her.
The plan may be that you take some time apart and meet up in a month or a few months to figure things out. You may decide to live together again and try to go back to normal (a good version of your “normal,” of course), or it might be that you almost go back to the dating stages of your relationship.
Take the time to sit together and work out what you both need in order to make the marriage work. This means addressing the issues that caused your wife to leave, as well as you being able to weigh in and share your own experiences, too.
If your wife left because she felt like you didn’t care about her or were very absent in the marriage, commit to spending quality time together by having a set “date night” each week.
If she was finding it hard because there was a lack of intimacy or sex in the marriage, talk about it! It’s difficult and awkward, but it’ll break down so many walls between the two of you and will pave the way for honest, open communication moving forward. This may need to be a conversation that is facilitated by a professional, which leads us to our next point…
Go to couples counseling.
Suggesting couples counseling for you and your wife is a great idea, but be careful of how you bring up this idea. Some people get offended at the thought of “needing” counseling—if you think your wife may feel that way, try to frame it as an opportunity to move forward together. It might be that some issues are very sensitive and you need someone to mediate and guide you; for example, topics around intimacy, sex, or infidelity.
Equally, you may want to get support for yourself as individuals, not as a couple—again, be aware that this may be a sensitive topic. This shows that you are willing to address the concerns your wife has and that you will act on how she feels by getting additional support.
She may also find it useful to get counseling for just her, as it will allow her to open up even more and, in turn, help you both get to the root of the issues that caused her to leave, as well as the ways you can move forward together.
Relationship Hero is a website where you can connect with a relationship counselor via phone, video, or instant message.
Too many people – both couples and individuals – try to muddle through and do their best to solve problems that they never really get to grips with. If it’s at all possible in your circumstances, speaking to a relationship expert is 100% the best way forward.
Click here if you’d like to learn more about the service Relationship Hero provide and the process of getting started.
Accept that it’s her choice.
Changing someone’s mind once they have left the relationship is never going to be easy, and it won’t always be possible. Ultimately, your wife is a human being with autonomy and choice, and it’s important to understand that your wife has wants and needs too—and that you may not, for whatever reason, be able to meet them.
This is not necessarily a reflection on you, and it may simply be that incompatibilities have come to light over the duration of your marriage that are no longer ignorable or changeable.
Accepting that your marriage isn’t going to work is horrific, and there’s no easy way to deal with it. However, try to see that this could be for the best. In some ways, it is better that your wife has made this decision now rather than letting things fester for longer—this often leads to awful relationships where there are very obvious issues that quickly become irreconcilable.
It’s hard to see the positive side to Walkaway Wife Syndrome, but growing apart or having your feelings change is easier for some people to process than a huge argument or dramatic conflict. Although still painful, it may be better for you both to walk away from the marriage before it implodes.
Check in with how you feel.
One thing that often happens is that, when people come back to a relationship, they try to move on but end up holding a grudge. This is so easily done but can often lead to more issues further down the line.
You may notice that your wife is almost punishing you for your previous behavior—she might hold things over your head because she knows how much you want to make the marriage work. This isn’t certain to happen because not everyone is like this, but it’s worth bearing in mind so that you can monitor how things are going and look after your own wellbeing, too.
How to make it work if your wife comes back.
There is only one way this is going to work—and that is if you work. You need to show your wife that you’re committed to improving the marriage. Going to couples counselling is a great first step, but, in order to be a better partner, you need to follow through on it.
Here are some things you should do.
Show that you’re committed to the marriage.
A lot of wives who walked away from their marriages did so because they didn’t feel heard or seen. They felt like they were always the ones who had to act on conversations, and they were neglected and left full of empty promises. Prove to your wife that you are capable of change and can be the partner she wants.
This doesn’t mean you suddenly need to do absolutely everything she wants—you’re still a human being with your own opinions and needs—but it means being a true partner.
Partnerships are about give and take, balance, and mutual respect and understanding. Convert that meaning into deep conversations, ongoing commitment, and small things to show that you’re taking it seriously.
Compromise but maintain a sense of self.
Meeting in the middle is something that we all have to do on a daily basis, especially in a relationship. When we’re desperate to make something work, we can go too far and may start to compromise our values. Of course, compromising is good, but nobody should have to change core things about themselves in order to make a relationship work.
While stepping up and being accountable for your actions is admirable and important, avoid taking all the blame, even if you feel guilty for how your wife has felt as a result of your behavior. Some things you’ve done may not have been great, but others may have felt worse to her simply because of her interpretation or own insecurities.
Self-respect is key here—yes, you want to make the marriage work, but, if you do everything your wife wants, you will end up resenting her at some point. Ultimately, the relationship will then be doomed as there will be a huge imbalance of happiness—and power.
This is your one and only chance to make things right again, so don’t fall down like you may have before. Show her that you are willing to make the marriage work and that your promises are no longer empty. Let her know that you’re thinking long-term and you want to be with her.
Again, it is a good idea to seek professional help from one of the experts at Relationship Hero as counseling can be highly effective in helping couples to rekindle their relationship and make another go of things.
You may also like:
- 23 Ways To Save A Marriage That Is Falling Apart
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- 12 Ways To Reconnect With Your Spouse When You Feel Disconnected
- 16 Times When Going To Couples Therapy Will Pay Off