Unless someone has straight-out told you that you’re a pain to have around, you may not be aware of just how difficult you are to get along with. Maybe you think you’re the life of the party and that everyone loves your scathing commentary on everything around you. Or perhaps you feel entitled to have your way without ever having to compromise. If you’ve ever exhibited the behaviors below, you can be sure that those around you aren’t nearly as thrilled with your company as you think they are.
1. You have something unpleasant or mean-spirited to say about everything and everyone.
No matter what or whom you come across in life, you have something negative to say about them. You are extremely judgmental and just about everything that comes out of your mouth is a complaint or an insulting comment that nobody wanted or needed to hear from you. You’re the type of person who’ll comment on how ugly someone’s child is going to be when they announce that they’re expecting, or mention what a relief someone must feel to be rid of a family member who’s passed away.
My partner has an extended family member like this, whom everyone avoids at social functions because he’s such a miserable downer all the time. Nobody wants someone around who will insult everyone within earshot, complain about the food, the music, and the attendees, while bringing absolutely nothing positive to the table.
2. You always want things to go your way and get upset if you have to compromise.
You may be very set in your ways and always want to have pizza for dinner on Friday nights, or insist on playing the same music every morning while you’re getting dressed and ready for your day. If your partner or friends suggest having something else, you get upset and sulk at the prospect of accommodating someone else’s wants. Psychology Today published a piece about how the art of compromise has declined in recent years, and how damaging that lack is to interpersonal relationships.
In your case, your selfish tendencies mean you live your life as though you’re the only person whose wants matter. You want things your way all the time, and get immensely resentful if anyone else has the audacity to express a different preference. You likely do best living alone because you can live life entirely on your own terms, rather than being miserable with a partner who doesn’t fall in line with letting you run everything.
3. You don’t take anything seriously.
You turn everything into a joke and never acknowledge things that need to be taken seriously. If someone tells you about a serious health issue they’re dealing with, you make what you think is a funny quip about it instead of acknowledging the difficulty they’re experiencing.
According to Psych Central, many people use humor as a coping mechanism to help them deal with situations they find challenging or upsetting. That’s all well and good if it helps you to navigate difficult things on occasion, but you need to be able to face them with a degree of maturity and responsibility as well. If your spouse comes to you and tells you that you may lose your house because you’re behind on mortgage payments, and you brush it off with a joke about living in a luxury tent in your parents’ backyard, that’s not okay.
Similarly, you might make a point of pushing or overstepping other people’s boundaries on a regular basis, and then excuse your poor behavior by writing it off as “just a joke”. Nobody finds these antics funny except for you, and you’re simply alienating others by acting like a foolish child.
4. You take everything seriously, and take offense easily.
This is the flipside to the situation above, in which even the most hilarious circumstances are viewed with a critical eye and a judgemental tongue. If someone falls into a pond, gets soaked, and has a good laugh about it with everyone around them, you immediately talk about the negative effects that the chemicals from their laundry detergent will have on the native frog population. Similarly, if you’re offered a cup of tea, you may launch into a diatribe about the politics involved in tea growing.
There may be many genuine reasons why you’re so easily offended, but it’s incredibly trying to be in the company of someone who’s “on” all the time, and focuses on everything that they view as negative, offensive, or wrong in any given circumstance. In fact, it’s emotionally erosive, and you may find that people end up avoiding you or excluding you from events because you’ll cast a pall over any function you attend.
5. You seem unaware of the effect your actions have on others.
You may be impulsive and say or do whatever comes to mind in the moment, without considering how your actions affect those around you. In fact, it may not even occur to you to think about the ripples your behavior may cause, since you’re wholly focused on getting your needs met, or doing what you want, when you want. End of.
This type of behavior is common in people with ADHD, many of whom may be undiagnosed, since their minds are processing so much information at once. Although this behavior is natural to them, and should be treated with patience, understanding, and compassion, that doesn’t mean it’s always easy to get along with (or live with) at times. It’s important to find a balance between honoring your natural communication and behavioural style and respecting other people’s boundaries, needs, and emotions.
6. You interrupt other people and change subjects abruptly.
Someone in your social group may be talking about a topic you aren’t particularly interested in, so you don’t see the point of continuing to listen to it politely: instead, you interrupt them and swiftly change the subject to something that you find engaging. It doesn’t seem to dawn on you that your actions are incredibly rude and invalidating — all you care about is that you’re engaged and entertained.
This type of behavior might extend to walking into a room and changing the channel when the people in there are already engaged in what they’re watching, or announcing to everyone that you’ve changed the day’s plans, instead of asking if others are okay with that.
Actions like these are controlling and dominating, meant to show everyone else that you’re the one in charge here and they can either do what you want, or leave. It’s one step away from urinating in all the corners to mark your territory as an alpha jerk.
7. You never admit to being wrong.
If you’re told in no uncertain terms that you’ve said or done something hurtful to someone, you don’t apologize. Instead, you justify your actions and insist that they’re being too sensitive, or are playing victim in order to garner sympathy.
Furthermore, you may steadfastly refuse to change your stance on anything, even if provided with solid evidence. You might insist that chocolate milk comes from brown cows, for example, and no amount of scientific literature to the contrary will change your mind: you’ve chosen this hill to die on and that’s that.
It’s incredibly difficult to get along with a person who can never admit they’re wrong, or won’t even consider someone else’s perspective on a subject.
8. You constantly have to one-up everything everyone else does.
No matter what it is someone else is doing or experiencing, you measure yourself against their achievements (or acquisitions) and feel an intense need to prove yourself “better” than they are. You might even find every opportunity to crush their joy in order to feel that you’re superior in some fashion, or sabotage their efforts so they never exceed your own.
This kind of odious self-involvement and overblown sense of self-importance screams of insecurity, and will ensure that few people will want to spend any time with you.
Final thoughts…
If any of these signs seem familiar to you, take some time to ask yourself what the motivations are behind your actions. Are you so miserable in your own life that you need to put others down to make yourself feel better? Or do you think you’re being amusing with your constant complaints and criticisms?
Should you care to cultivate better relationships in your social circles, ask for honest feedback about how they feel about you, and then put some real effort into being a better friend, neighbor, and relative.
