Many people fantasize about finding their One True Love, and spending the rest of their lives with the soulmate of their dreams. As such, they allow themselves to fall head over heels when they connect with someone, even if that connection isn’t a sincere one.
They’ll overlook glaring red flags, avoid conversation topics that might shatter the illusion, and build their dream reality on a foundation of unicorns and stardust rather than stark reality. If any of the signs below ring true for you, your relationship might fall into the former category rather than the latter.
1. Your partner doesn’t seem as devoted or interested as you are.
You might run into your partner’s arms when they come home from work or text them dozens of times a day, but they don’t reciprocate your efforts. Physical intimacy may only occur when you initiate it, or it seems perfunctory rather than loving or tender. Similarly, if you talk about plans for the future, they might brush off the discussion or come up with excuses as to why it’s not a good idea to talk about things like marriage, kids, expensive investments, etc.
Basically, while you might feel as though you’ve found your soulmate (which very few people ever do, according to research), they aren’t mirroring your enthusiasm. Instead, they seem to behave as though they’re settling for “good enough” or “fine for now,” and they treat you more like an option than a priority. As a result, you might feel insecure about your future with this person and might ask them frequently for reassurance that they really love you and want to be with you, much to their apparent annoyance.
2. You don’t actually know much about your partner’s likes and dislikes (and vice versa).
You might buy your partner flowers because you think it’s a romantic gesture, but if someone asked you what their favorite species or varieties are, could you name them? Similarly, you might know that your partner or spouse loves to read, but could you list their favorite books or genres? You may go above and beyond to do something for their birthday that you think they’ll absolutely adore, only to have your fantasy ideals fall flat when they fail to be delighted by all the trouble you went through.
This is something that happened with a friend of mine several years ago. She was in a relationship with someone she idealized completely, and she went out of her way to do things for him that she felt were special and magical. All of her efforts were for nothing, however, because they were all things that she would have enjoyed if someone else had done them for her, and that her former partners had appreciated, whereas her current beau had no interest in any of them. In fact, some of the things she had chosen made him distinctly uncomfortable, and even unwell. She was so wrapped up in the ideal of what could be that she chose to overlook the reality of how things really were. The impact of past relationships on current ones is a big factor contributing to fantasy relationships, according to Psychology Today.
3. Their family is dismissive of you.
When you spend time with their family, you’re very aware that you aren’t considered part of it. Oh, they might be pleasant enough with you, but even if you’ve been with your partner for a while, their parents or siblings might not remember your name, or refer to you as their “friend” rather than their partner. Even if you’re married, you may find that invitations to family gatherings are directed entirely towards your spouse, rather than the two of you as a couple.
Essentially, all of their family’s behaviors indicate that they don’t expect you to be around for very long. They might mention your partner’s past relationships to you and even tell you straight out that you two aren’t a good match. Furthermore, if they don’t make a concerted effort to sabotage your relationship, they certainly won’t go out of their way to help you if you reach out for assistance.
4. You’re operating on a projection of your partner rather than the truth of them.
An astonishing number of people fall in love with their idea of their partner, or even fall in love with the idea of love, rather than the reality of who they are. According to psychologist Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, this often happens when they’re smitten with the fantasy of potential. That idea of what their partner could be if they allowed themselves to open up, follow a better path for themselves, eat better, exercise more, etc. It can also occur when the person you’re dating reminds you of someone else, and you subconsciously create an overlay of that other person onto this current one.
A clue that you’re doing this is that you may keep finding out details about your partner that you didn’t know before. You’ll often say things like “Huh, I didn’t know that about you”, as though you expected to know them inside and out in a short period of time. Similarly, you may come to realize that red flag behavior that you chose to ignore earlier on because this person is so awesome, sexy, etc., is actually quite unnerving to you.
5. Many aspects of your partner’s life don’t involve you.
Although you’re technically in a relationship with them, there are a lot of things in their life that they simply don’t share with you. For example, they might attend gatherings with family or friends without inviting you along (if you’ve even met these people at all), and they don’t discuss details about their work, hobbies, or other activities with you. In fact, your relationship might seem very one-sided.
They might be secretive about using their phone when you’re around, or give vague answers about where they’re going or who they’ve been out with. You might choose to explain this away — that your partner is simply being private and reserved, and it’s only been X amount of time that you’ve been together — but deep down, you know that something just doesn’t feel right here.
6. Your relationship is surprisingly free of conflict or drama.
Conflicts are inevitable in any type of relationship. Whenever two people spend a significant amount of time together, there will be disagreements, misunderstandings, petty irritations, and a wide variety of other issues that will need to be negotiated. In fact, one key aspect of successful relationships is how well the two partners can handle conflict together and work as a team to move forward in a loving, supportive manner.
If the two of you rarely argue and seem to have a “perfect” relationship in which there are no disagreements, fights, or otherwise, that’s a pretty surefire sign that what you’re cultivating is a fantasy, rather than reality. In fact, either one or both of you may be repressing all the things that are bothering you to maintain the status quo, and what’s percolating beneath the surface is likely to erupt one day. This may result in a huge falling out in which everything that’s been repressed explodes into the light, or one of you may simply pick up and leave in the middle of the night to start a new, more authentic life elsewhere.
7. You’ve never met their friends or family.
A surprising number of people have long-term relationships or marriages with people whose families and friends they’ve never met. When this happens, there’s usually a “reasonable”, believable explanation, such as that they came from an abusive family and had to sever ties for their own wellbeing, or they have such crippling social anxiety that they don’t have many friends. If pressed, they’ll say that they don’t want to talk about it, get defensive about boundaries being crossed, and that’ll be the end of it.
In reality, never meeting or getting to know anyone from your partner’s past is a sign that your relationship is built on fantasy and a big red flag that your partner is not who they pretend to be. It may sound dramatic, but countless people have woken up one day to discover that the partner or spouse they’ve been with for years (even decades) isn’t the person they thought they were. This often has disastrous results for everyone involved, and the partner who was fooled has to come to terms with the fact that they have no idea who their loved one really is.
Final thoughts…
The truth can be difficult to deal with at times, especially when there are aspects of our lives (and our pasts) that we aren’t proud of. That said, the worst truths about us are far better than any lies we create.
Sure, living in fantasy land may be prettier and shinier than reality, but the truth always comes out. When that happens, those we’ve lied to have to deal with hurt and betrayal, and few relationships can survive that kind of upheaval. This is why it’s so important to prioritize honesty in partnerships, especially if it’s difficult to do so.
