If you’re the type of person who can create and maintain emotional bonds with others fairly easily, you may struggle to understand those who can’t. In fact, you might even have difficulty recognizing when someone is emotionally unavailable because they can mask it well enough to muddle through social interactions and basic relationships. As such, keep an eye out for the following behaviors. They’re subtle yet strong indicators that someone might not be able to forge the kind of emotional bond you may be seeking.
1. They deflect or redirect any conversations about themselves or their feelings.
According to the experts at Choosing Therapy, this is one of the top indicators that someone is emotionally unavailable. Any time the topic of conversation shifts to something personal or involves any type of emotional response, they’ll shift it to something more lighthearted or trivial.
Those in their social circles may not know very much about them because they never divulge personal details. Nobody has a clue what their previous relationships have been like, whether they’ve been married before, if they have children, or what their family is like. All this person is willing to discuss is fun subject matter or things they can playfully debate — anything that will take the focus off themselves.
2. They may try to avoid eye contact.
Eyes are the windows to the soul, and when two people gaze into each other’s eyes, it can create an intense emotional bond between the two of them. It’s one of the reasons why you often see scenes in films in which people are holding a solid gaze for a protracted period of time, signifying their intense connection with one another. Performance artist Marina Abramovic captured this type of connection in her MOMA installation piece “The Artist is Present”, in which those who sat across from her and maintained eye contact often broke into tears — including her former romantic partner, Ulay.
It should be noted that many neurodivergent people, such as those who are autistic, struggle with maintaining eye contact. One of the reasons is that the emotional intensity involved in doing so can be overwhelming and uncomfortable for them. It can also cause sensory overwhelm and interfere with information processing, and according to Simply Psychology, it can be distressing and painful. As such, it’s important to take this behavior as one thread in the person’s tapestry: they may not be emotionally unavailable, but autistic. There may be many other reasons why someone avoids eye contact, such as social anxiety or culture, too.
3. They avoid any media that could cause an emotional response.
You may discover that the person you’re spending time with doesn’t watch, listen to, or read any media that might provoke an emotional reaction from them. For example, they may be fine watching sports or documentaries or reading nonfiction, but will refuse to watch anything “sappy”. If the words “heartfelt”, “emotional”, “heartbreaking”, or “romantic” are associated with the subject matter at all, they’ll head in the opposite direction.
I was guilty of this one for many years and still struggle with it at times. When a person grows up in a maelstrom, neutrality and emotional distance can provide an immense sense of peace. As such, anything that threatens that peace is usually avoided or even scorned. Watching action films, comedies, or dry subject matter that simply states facts without any annoying touchy-feely tendrils makes life a lot more comfortable (or even tolerable) for those who have suffered severe damage in the past.
4. They dodge plans and commitments of all kinds.
Commitment issues are rife in emotionally unavailable people, particularly in romantic situations. You and this person might have been dating for several months, but they avoid making the relationship “official” and won’t use terms like boyfriend/girlfriend, partner, etc. Their plans with you are mostly impromptu, and if there’s any planning involved, you’re the one who’ll have to shoulder that responsibility.
Additionally, any time you discuss future plans — even if it’s just going to an event together a month or two down the road — they’ll balk at the prospect of committing to attend it. They don’t know whether they’ll be around at that point, so they can’t say yea or nay about it.
5. They may have a dark sense of humor or make jokes about serious subjects.
Those whose emotional unavailability stems from past traumas often use gallows humor as a coping mechanism in difficult circumstances. They’re the ones who’ll crack morbid jokes when an acquaintance dies, for example, or will make light of a serious issue someone else is having. Or that they’re having themselves, for that matter. For example, I once knew a guy whose instant, joking response to being diagnosed with testicular cancer was that at least he wouldn’t have to worry about getting anyone pregnant anymore. Case in point.
People who behave like this usually can’t deal with the intensity of difficult emotions and thus have to neutralize them by putting themselves into a position of power or control over them.
6. They’re detached about pretty much everything.
Others may describe these people as cool, level-headed, stoic, or reserved, but in reality, they’re simply detached from whatever is unfolding around them. They’ve repressed their emotions to such an extent that Santa Claus could ride past them in the Barbie convertible, and they won’t even blink.
This detachment can also manifest as ambivalence towards both other people and situations. They’ve put up emotional walls to such an extent that they aren’t invested in other people’s well-being and don’t care either way if they’re around or not. Similarly, they remain neutral with regard to situations that are unfolding: whether they get a job or lose one, they simply roll with whatever unfolds instead of expressing any emotion about it all.
7. Physical intimacy is mechanical or hollow, without real connection.
They might show up for a “booty call” and then leave shortly thereafter, or if they live with their partner, they might go and do their own thing immediately after having sex. When they initiate physical intimacy, there’s rarely any type of affection involved: they’ll be very matter-of-fact about it, without any real romantic or caring actions.
During the act itself, they’ll avoid eye contact or anything else that may intensify a bond with their partner. They may even prefer to be intimate in nearly total darkness or in a position where they aren’t face to face. For some emotionally unavailable people, if they aren’t getting basic sexual needs met, they don’t want to be touched. Some don’t even like physical intimacy at all.
8. They’ll prioritize alone time or meeting their own needs over spending time with those they claim to care about.
If they acquiesce and make plans with someone they claim to care about, they won’t hesitate to break those plans if they feel they’d rather be alone instead or if there’s something else they’d rather do. Furthermore, they’re often quick to get defensive if called out about this behavior and may even weaponize the situation to their benefit.
For example, if someone gives them grief about being a selfish or neglectful partner, they may go into DARVO mode: they’ll turn things around and say they’re trying to defend a personal boundary, and the one accusing them of neglect is being overly demanding or even abusive.
9. They place all their energy into their chosen directive and receive accolades for doing so.
Some people hide their emotional unavailability behind their goals and achievements. Those who fall into this category are often very driven towards their chosen subject or pursuit, and that passion shields them from the necessity of having to develop emotional attachments. Furthermore, others will protect them from scrutiny or criticism because these people have gained so much status because of their actions.
Think of it this way: let’s say someone is an award-winning scientist, artist, or academic. A friend of theirs might complain about how emotionally unavailable they are, but then several others will leap to their defense about what a brilliant person they are and how lucky the group is to be able to spend any time with them at all. Their achievements and accolades insulate them against naysaying while simultaneously elevating them above the very emotions they seek to avoid.
Final thoughts…
There are many different reasons why people shut down emotionally. Some may have been hurt badly in the past and have shut down as a means of protecting themselves from future damage. Others may be neurodivergent, as mentioned, which can cause difficulty identifying and expressing emotions, known as alexithymia. Finally, some may simply choose to remain unavailable because they don’t want to risk the potential pain of betrayal or heartbreak. Regardless of the cause, an emotionally unavailable partner can be incredibly difficult to contend with, so learn to recognize the signs and choose wisely.
