I want you to read that title carefully, because ‘someone’ can be anybody in your life, and not necessarily a person you automatically don’t get on with or like. Even those closest to you, a friend, a relative, those you work with for hours each day, can all show through 8 behaviors that they really don’t care about your best interests.
As certain dynamics demonstrate, someone you believe you have a solid connection with can still damage your wellbeing in ways you may not even realize, and that’s where I come in. Right now, it’s about looking at how a person behaves and not who they are to you, because that’s the ultimate test to know if they truly care or not.
1. They cause you to doubt yourself rather than trust yourself.
Around 11 years ago, I got a job caring for a young person with complex needs. It was beyond personal care and involved administration of medicine, adhering to a physio plan, and helping with speech and language therapy.
I was told by somebody in my family that this job was ‘far too complex for me,’ and that I’m ‘not qualified for it,’ (I was).
At the time, I believed this person. I thought, “My goodness, what if something goes wrong? What if I mess up the medication? What if the family realizes I am incompetent?”
Not once did I think, “Screw you and your obsession with keeping me small and irrelevant. This is the same person who laughed at me during my time caring for others, joking that, “At least I have somebody to clean my bottom when I’m older.”
This kind of behavior is unacceptable. If the people in your life are causing you to doubt yourself rather than trust yourself, then I’d suggest a good, long think about why they get that place in your inner circle.
The person who was in my life no longer has that place.
2. They’d sooner control you than respect you.
The thing about control is that it can be awfully covert. It doesn’t always present as, “You will do as I say!” Sometimes, control can be dressed up like concern. It can look like, “I care about you, and I really think you do so much for your friends while getting nothing back. I wouldn’t blame you if you stepped away from them altogether to put yourself first.”
If it helps make things even clearer, it’s what’s known as coercive control, and it’s a type of subtle emotional abuse that is intended to deprive a person of their liberty, autonomy, and agency.
Where’s the respect in that? Where is the justice for you? What does that mean for the dynamic of this person who claims to have your best interests at heart?
In a nutshell, it means you suffer the consequences of their abusive behavior without a single physical bruise or mark to prove it. But that doesn’t mean it’s not real.
3. Your boundaries are seen as inconvenient to them.
If you struggle to apply boundaries, then it’s likely that you experience stress that you just cannot manage, probably because not having them means you aren’t protecting your well-being. That’s got to sap your energy levels to no end.
And people who don’t have your best interests at heart are absolutely going to take advantage of this.
I used to struggle, especially with saying no. This came from a childhood spent trying to please a person who was never going to love or care about me. Now that I’m older (not old, ahem…), I want to nurture my limits, rather than keep pushing myself to accept poor treatment. My inner peace takes the top spot.
There’s nothing inconvenient about not allowing people to walk all over you, unless of course, you’re talking to the person with the big boots on, who is ready to trample.
4. They are brilliant at undermining your confidence whenever the chance arises.
These people just know how to do it effectively, don’t they? It’s often right at the time when you feel good about yourself, and then suddenly, any confidence you had comes crashing down. You could be in front of people, or alone with this person; it won’t matter because their task is the same:
Undermine you and make you feel small.
This person knows how to press your buttons because they’ve learned your behavior; that’s already a huge red flag. If your best interests were at the forefront of their mind, you’d not be experiencing this gradual, yet very real weakening of your self-belief.
5. Vulnerabilities that you’ve shared with them are used against you.
If somebody is exhibiting the kind of behavior where they’re using your vulnerabilities against you – after you’ve shared them in confidence – this is a form of psychological abuse. Astoundingly, I recently read that 88% of mental health practitioners believe this form of abuse is more harmful than physical abuse, which is incredibly worrying. We must never downplay it.
When you become a victim of this type of behavior, you’re made a target, and it’s all by design to hurt you. There’s nothing accidental about gaining a person’s trust and then using their insecurities or personal secrets to create these toxic power imbalances.
Tell me what this level of manipulation does to nurture your best interests? If you can think of one, I will give you a point. However, I won’t hold my breath.
6. They constantly ignore what’s important to you.
It’s not nice to see behaviors of disregard surface in anybody, let alone someone you thought you had a close connection with.
I once had a friend whom I’d arranged to meet for coffee before Christmas, so we could exchange gifts. I got her a large jar and made shortbread for her, tying a nice festive ribbon around the rim of the jar, and I wrapped it nicely. I waited in the coffee shop for half an hour before texting to see if everything was okay. She’d forgotten about our meeting, and instead of apologizing, just laughed at me.
This wasn’t the first time she’d let me down and brushed it off without so much as an ounce of accountability, and from then on, I allowed our friendship to diminish to nothing.
I can’t be friends with somebody who doesn’t see the importance of maintaining it, and for me, there was no point in trying.
Big or small – you have to decide who in your life exhibits similar behaviors, and ask yourself; Do they really care?
Your gut will tell you your answer, so listen to it.
7. They show you a different version of themselves than what others see.
I don’t mean this in a way that people aren’t allowed to grow and change, and I also want to make it clear that I don’t mean the kind of natural adaptation a person may take when they’re at work in a meeting, compared to being home with a glass of wine and an episode of The Traitors.
I’m talking about what is known as the Jekyll and Hyde Theory. You may be more familiar with, “You’re a really nice person when there are people around, but when you’re at home, you’re totally different, and not in a good way.” The main message from this is that a mood can be controlled. You have to give people who are generally misers the benefit of the doubt. Scrooge wasn’t nice to anybody at all; he was just old and bitter. But people who can control how they act around certain people and choose to show you a totally different side?
That’s manipulation.
There are no best interests involved with their motive.
8. They only show up when they have an ulterior motive.
Think of a person who only shows up for you when there’s something in it for them. When they are guaranteed a proverbial slice of the cake they’re offering you, they will knock your door down and help you in the blink of an eye.
Now I want you, in your mind, to ask this: “What are they gaining from this?”
The answer, for those who are true friends or pillars of support, should be, “It’s not about gain, it’s about being there for someone you care about. Eventually, that act will be flipped, and when they need you, you’d do the same, right?
But for someone who doesn’t have your best interests at heart, it’s all about gaining something then and there, or at the very least, they are buttering you up because they’re going to want a favor very soon.
Final thoughts…
Well, don’t you feel like you need a brisk walk in nature after all of that? I know I do, just thinking about people who have taken me for granted in the past, or not had my best interests at heart.
People never cease to amaze me with their varied behaviors and motives, and unfortunately, we won’t escape meeting them in our lives. So the question really is, how much of their energy do you allow in, and how much of their words and actions do you choose to absorb?
Well, that’s entirely your call.
