It’s a sad truth that many people are muddling through life by maintaining the status quo as best they can. Instead of doing things that are truly meaningful to them or resonant with them on an authentic level, they go through performative motions for other people’s benefit. They keep their true selves locked in boxes, tucked away deep inside. Those selves aren’t silent and complacent, however: they’re screaming to be acknowledged. If the behaviors listed here seem familiar to you, your authentic self is likely in vital need of acknowledgement and real care.
1. Spending too much time trying to “help” others.
A lot of people who can’t bear to put too much of their focus inward will instead focus outward and pour their energy into helping others. It’s like a form of projection: since they may not have the means or opportunity to fix the problems in their own life, they’ll do their best to help other people fix theirs. We often see this happen with life coaches or therapists who avoid their own issues by redirecting energy into helping their clients and patients instead.
While being prosocial and helping others is a vital part of healthy community living, it becomes detrimental when we neglect ourselves in the process, according to the University of British Columbia. The key is to ensure that your own needs are being met properly, and then using the energy you have left for others’ benefit.
2. Avoiding silence and mirrors.
A person who never looks in the mirror doesn’t have to face the person they’re betraying the most with their inauthenticity. The same goes for avoiding silence: music, TV, films, and other people’s voices keep a person’s mind focused and engaged on everything but what their subconscious wants them to acknowledge: that they’re lying to themselves.
I spent several years in an unhealthy, unhappy relationship because I felt that I owed that person for having helped me get out of my abusive family’s home. No matter how much I tried to convince myself (and others) that I was happy, I couldn’t bear to be alone with my own thoughts, and always had music or the TV going to keep my mind distracted. It was only once I’d left him and lived alone for several years that I realized just how much I love silence.
If you don’t struggle with intrusive thoughts or a condition like schizophrenia, then thoughts that arise about how unhappy you are need to be listened to, rather than avoided and forcibly silenced. Don’t ignore the signs that you’re unhappy, but hiding it well. Otherwise, you’re living a lie that can’t be maintained forever, and your authentic needs will force you to pay attention and tend to them eventually, one way or another.
3. Self-distraction and escapism.
It’s easier and soothing to scroll through social media or binge-watch a 19-season series than face the fact that you’re neglecting your authentic self and ignoring the life you want to have. This is an approach that’s similar to distracting a screaming toddler with a tablet so they can watch Bluey instead of teaching them how to regulate their emotions more healthily.
Whilst distraction does have a place at times, Psychology Today highlights that escapism can become problematic when used regularly. It may be effective at stopping us from getting overwhelmed in the moment, but it doesn’t address the underlying issues causing overwhelming anxiety, depression, and spiralling thoughts. Nor does it help us learn how to process emotions with healthy coping mechanisms. Everything stagnates and fails to thrive when it’s neglected, and that goes for one’s authentic self, too.
4. An overabundance of complaints and criticisms.
Those who feel shame and anger at themselves for not living authentically will often project that anger onto other people instead. This can manifest in complaints and criticisms about other people’s lives, or about existence in general. For example, they might complain about a selfish friend who chose not to have children because they’re envious of that person’s freedom, or they may criticize their own kids for not living the lives they would have wanted for themselves.
If you find yourself complaining and being overly critical towards others, take a moment to analyze where those criticisms are coming from. Are you feeling bitter because someone else is living in a way that makes you feel envious? If so, what’s stopping you from taking steps to live similarly?
5. Disproportionate amounts of anger/bitterness over trivial issues.
A person who’s neglecting their authentic self may be a veritable powder keg that’ll get set off at the slightest provocation. This can express itself in blow-ups at people for small infractions, or passive-aggressiveness instead of authentic communication.
Take note of the things that make you lose your temper or that cause you to snap at others in irritation. Does your authentic self yearn for solitude, but you haven’t had more than 20 minutes alone in years? Did you snap at the teenager behind the counter for preparing your salad the wrong way because you’d rather have lasagna?
6. Over-socializing.
If you aren’t on the phone, you’re texting, or seeing friends in person. From the moment you wake up in the morning until the second you drop off to sleep, you’re wholly engaged in interacting with others — friends or strangers — so you never have to be alone with your own thoughts.
What’s the worst thing that could happen if you sat alone for a little while, without distraction or socializing? You’d probably have to face the reality of what your authentic self is screaming for, and deal with it. That’s a scary prospect, so it’s unsurprising that you’d rather wear yourself thin for others’ benefit than be real with yourself about your own thoughts and needs.
7. Being overly focused on world affairs.
If you’re neglecting your authentic self intentionally because you don’t have the wherewithal to deal with it, you may shift your focus onto world affairs instead. At any given moment, there’s enough awful stuff going on in the world that can keep you distracted from your own issues, and plenty of opportunity to put energy into making the world out there a better place, rather than taking the steps needed to put your own house in order.
One key aspect to be aware of here is whether you’re being an activist, or a “slacktivist”. If you’re putting real effort into making positive changes happen, then that’s to be applauded… even if you’re doing so to avoid authenticity in your own life. That said, if your idea of activism involves changing your “I stand with …” badge on social media or putting a sign up in your window, it’s hollow and performative. All it’s doing is making you feel good for a moment, which is as inauthentic as every other aspect of the life you’re currently living.
8. Being overly invested in other people’s business.
A common trait in those who are neglecting their authentic selves is to get overly involved in other people’s life choices. This often happens when people feel so bitter about how hobbled they are about their own life paths that they can’t bear to think about their own. As such, they might dig into people’s social media feeds and then gossip about them with friends.
If you spend more time talking about the people you know than doing things you sincerely love, you might want to reconsider your life priorities. If you were to find yourself on your deathbed next week, would you feel content and accomplished about what you’ve done today? If not, what can you do to move things in a more positive, authentic direction? It’s time to start minding your own business.
9. Needing a great deal of external validation.
Do you find yourself posting online about your many little achievements over the course of a given day? Or are you pursuing things that may offer you status and recognition even though you really don’t care much about them at all? Perhaps you’re constantly seeking approval from others by living in a way that doesn’t actually serve you?
When a person neglects their authentic self, they often seek out external validation to reassure them that they’re doing a good job. This is a way of quieting down the internal voice that’s wailing to be heard: “See? Other people think that what I’m doing is good and true, so I don’t have to listen to you.”
Final thoughts…
There is always a cost involved with inauthenticity, and we’re the ones who have to pay it. Sometimes the cost is a slow dimming of the light behind our eyes as we maintain facades of contentment for other people’s benefit. At other times, it’s the heartache that comes with perpetually setting aside our own likes, needs, and desires so we aren’t condemned or ostracized. The key to remember here is that life is short, and it’s far better to regret questionable life choices than regret never taking the chance to experience them authentically. It’s time to start being unapologetically you.
