Have you ever experienced the sensation of instantly losing respect for another person? You might be getting along with them just fine, and then something will fall out of their mouth that’s so appalling, cringeworthy, or otherwise off-putting that you find an excuse to end the conversation as soon as possible.
Don’t be that person.
The habits listed here can make people’s contempt for you go from 0-100 faster than you can blink. If you find that you’ve been putting any of them into practice, curb that behavior immediately or risk losing others’ respect forever.
1. Making sweeping statements about all young people.
A significant number of older people complain about how all younger folks are weird, ill-mannered, entitled, or any other number of unkind and slanderous accusations. They laud themselves as being paragons of politesse and achievement, and lump all young people into a category of feeble underachievers.
Ageism towards younger folks is no more acceptable than ageism towards the elderly. Younger people are different from you, as is the world they live in now. Things that were illegal when you were younger are now commonplace, and everything from social behavior to age-related milestones has changed exponentially.
2. Clinging to the idea that younger generations have it easier than you did.
Most of us grew up being berated by our elders for how soft and privileged we were compared to how much they struggled as kids. There are jokes about how they walked five miles to school every morning in neck-deep snow, and that they didn’t have the opportunity to be “lazy” like us (like actually having a summer holiday) because they had to work to support their 15 siblings, and so on.
In reality, young people today are the first generation in known history that’s poorer than the generation that came before them. They live in an era of uncertainty, political instability, and climate upheaval, and have to deal with struggles that their parents and grandparents did not. Boomers were able to get jobs right out of high school that they had until retirement, and were paid well enough to buy a house and raise a family. In contrast, young people today barely make enough to get by, and thousands are vying for every available job opening there is. And all the while, they’re being misled by modern society’s success culture that keeps them wanting more, more, more.
3. Assuming that you know best because you’re older.
Just because a person has been on this planet for a significant amount of time doesn’t mean that they know best. Dr Judith Glück tells us that some people just grow old without any of the wisdom that others ascribe to advanced age. A person in their twenties who has been through an extraordinary amount of difficulty, traveled a great deal, and accrued a ton of life experience will have a broader perspective and range of abilities than a person who had a soft, easy life and never left their hometown.
The same goes for expecting to be respected just because you’ve reached a certain age. You don’t get a pass for reprehensible behavior once you reach an age milestone, nor should you be respected if you’re being a jackass.
4. Behaving as though you’re half your age (or less).
Few things can cause someone to lose respect for you quite as much as if you behave in a childish or otherwise inappropriate manner. It’s one thing to retain a sense of child-like wonder, or have youthful enthusiasm about things you’re passionate about, and another thing entirely to throw temper tantrums if you don’t get your own way.
When you think about older people whom you admire, how do they behave? Do they flirt with those who are young enough to be their children (or even grandchildren)? Or get so inebriated that they pass out half-naked in front of friends and family members? You’ll gain a lot more respect from others if you behave with a modicum of grace and dignity instead of trying to cling to behavior you aged out of decades ago.
5. Insisting that outdated rules and social expectations are adhered to.
Some rules and social expectations are great to adhere to. For example, chewing with one’s mouth closed or holding a door open for the person behind you are great things to do, and are appreciated by pretty much everyone. That said, older expectations such as abiding by traditional gender roles are completely outdated and are best left in the past where they belong.
Don’t berate your niece for wanting to be a welder because it isn’t “feminine”, nor mock your son for knitting because people might think he’s gay, heaven forfend. If a task can be done with human hands or a subject can be learned by a human mind, then it can be done by any human being.
6. Giving unsolicited advice.
You might feel that you’re “just trying to be helpful”, but unless someone specifically asks you for advice, don’t give it. This includes asking others when they’re going to get married/have children because you feel that they aren’t getting any younger, or that they’ll be so much happier if and when they do. Just because you made life decisions that brought you happiness and fulfillment, that doesn’t mean others will be just as happy with the same decisions.
Similarly, refrain from offering unsolicited advice about someone’s appearance, weight, health, exercise, food options, etc. You never know what’s going on in someone else’s life, such as what health conditions they may be struggling with, potential allergies, neurodivergence (such as autism, ADHD, or both – AuDHD), etc. Once again, with feeling: unless you’re asked directly, remain silent.
7. Choosing to be willfully ignorant about current events, colloquialisms, social etiquette, and technology.
Many older people eschew anything modern that they dislike or disagree with by insisting that they’re too old to learn new things. They may pretend not to know about major issues in the world or new social protocols because it’s “too much new information” for them to handle, or refuse to learn new technology so that others will do things for them.
I have a 90-year-old friend named Richard who’s a wizard with social media, and he adapts to new concepts and social mores quickly and easily. Why? Because he chooses to do so. Instead of digging in his heels and refusing to accept change, he flows with it. As a result, not only does he continue to grow and evolve as a person, but he’s beloved by just about everyone who knows him.
8. Refusing to acknowledge when you’re wrong.
It’s damn near impossible to respect a person who refuses to admit when they’re wrong. This is especially true if there is solid evidence right in front of them that proves the opposite of what they’re asserting, and they simply refuse to acknowledge it. Doing so shows an incredible amount of immaturity as well as a marked lack of integrity.
There is absolutely no shame in admitting that you’re wrong, and people will respect you even more if, after admitting this shortcoming, you take steps to either learn about the subject you were mistaken about or make amends for your wrongdoing.
9. Being a full-blown curmudgeon all the time.
Most of us have an extended family member or acquaintance who has something negative to say about pretty much everything. They’re always mumbling nasty things under their breath, and anything positive or joyful that a person shares will be met with mockery, the implication that it wasn’t deserved, or a reminder that it’s fleeting and everyone’s going to die soon anyway.
Nobody can respect a negative person who’s awful all the time. If you don’t have anything nice to say about a subject, remain silent. Furthermore, if you’re miserable and resentful about everything, do some soul-searching to find out why you’re so bitter and mean. If your circumstances are getting you down, then change them instead of griping in all directions. Know that there isn’t a single person around you who wants to hear your misery all the time, and if you keep it up, you’ll just push everyone away.
Final thoughts…
When it comes to maintaining other people’s respect, there’s a basic rule to follow: if this behavior would cause you to lose respect for someone else, then don’t do it yourself. In contrast, if you have role models who behave with class and grace, aim to model your own behavior upon theirs.
Remember that it’s incredibly easy to lose someone’s respect, and significantly more difficult to regain it. As a result, being self-aware and checking yourself before doing (or saying) something inappropriate can go a long way towards keeping others’ respect for you intact.
