Losing respect for someone you care about is a terrible experience, but losing respect for yourself is even worse. There are many ways for a person to lose self-respect, but the most common ones involve tolerating poor behavior, or not taking action in a situation, and then hating themselves for their hesitance or cowardice later. Self-respecting individuals have often learned from past experiences — either their own, or those they’ve witnessed — and now refuse to tolerate the behaviors listed below.
1. Betraying something that was divulged in secret.
It takes a lot of courage and vulnerability to share something deeply private and personal with another person. That’s why it feels so awful if they betray your trust and share what you had told them in secret. Psychologist Dr. Kiki Ramsey says it’s particularly brutal because you assumed this person was a safe space, and that space has now been violated.
Once trust is broken, it’s damn near impossible to repair. Unless the circumstances were dire and their betrayal led to your life being saved, there’s really no excuse for sharing what was said in confidence. A self-respecting person will make this abundantly clear to the transgressor and never trust them with anything important, ever again.
2. Allowing someone to mistake their kindness for weakness.
Some of the kindest people I’ve ever met have been those who were capable of great strength or even violence, when circumstances demanded such actions. Whereas those who posture and bark about how strong and fierce they are usually fold at the first sign of trouble. The reality is that most of the strongest warriors out there are the humble, self-respecting ones who feel no need to broadcast what they’re capable of.
Interestingly, it’s often the kind, humble people who are most often targeted by others for mistreatment because they’re thought to be easy targets. This has happened to me, as well as to my partner and others close to me, and the results have always shocked and unnerved those who tried to take advantage. Self-respecting people make it abundantly clear to others that they are not to be trifled with; that they are kind, generous, and considerate, but will defend boundaries fiercely and brook no egress whatsoever.
3. Associating with an individual or group who constantly acts in a stupid or destructive fashion.
If you peruse YouTube, TikTok, or other video-based social media, you’ll see an astonishing number of people doing truly stupid or horrible things and behaving like it’s high sport to them. Some find it humorous to bully or harass homeless people or torture stray animals, while others may prank the elderly or shame their partners for views and laughs.
Nobody with a shred of self-respect would associate with people who behave so shamefully. They don’t enable this kind of behavior, and many (if not most) will either call these people out about their actions or intervene to stop them. The most decent ones fall into the latter category; they won’t fall prey to the bystander effect like most people do. As the famous, but possibly misattributed quote goes, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing”. This doesn’t solely apply to men, of course — anyone who wants to remain able to look themselves in the mirror without shame would take action to stop mistreatment and injustice, however possible.
4. Allowing an acquaintance to speak badly of their family or partner.
People who have an immense amount of self-respect never allow others to mistreat their partners or family members. These people aren’t just reflections of themselves and their values, but also cherished individuals whom they’ve vowed to love and protect.
There’s only one thing worse than seeing hurt and betrayal in the eyes of your partner or child after you don’t stand up for them when they’re being mistreated, and that’s having to face your own reflection and acknowledge your cowardice. A self-respecting person would never insult their loved ones, and won’t tolerate others doing so either — even if it’s their own friends or relatives doing so.
5. Letting others use their home as their neutral ground or a community center.
A person’s home is their castle, and those who respect themselves will also insist that their space and their property are respected accordingly. This may be a difficult boundary to assert with dominant family members and friends who believe that it’s their right to come, go, and use items as they please, but a person who respects themselves will also insist upon respect and courtesy from others.
They won’t allow friends or family to show up at all hours, invite strangers into their space, or borrow things without asking them (or returning/replacing them). Furthermore, they certainly won’t tolerate coming home to find that their sibling or friend has decided to throw a party in their absence. If this happens, they’ll bring the hammer down and cancel all similar privileges from then on.
6. Allowing others to use them.
I’ve spent a fair amount of time around horses, and they invariably try to overstep boundaries to see how much they can get away with before they’re reined in. People can often behave the same way, and try using those around them more and more until they’re also reined in and shown that their behavior is unacceptable.
Some might help themselves to their housemates’ food without asking, use their friends as emotional dumping grounds for all their drama, or ask for help with things without ever reciprocating. Self-respecting individuals don’t put up with any of this nonsense. If they feel they’re being used or taken advantage of at all, they put a stop to it immediately.
7. Permitting others to use them as a domestic servant.
People who have grown up having all their needs catered to by their parents or previous partners often try to create environments that offer them the same comfort. For example, some might weaponize incompetence in order to force their housemates to pick up their slack as far as house cleaning is concerned. Others might insist that since nobody ever taught them how to cook, it should be their partner or spouse’s responsibility to take care of all the grocery shopping and meal preparation.
Self-respecting individuals won’t tolerate this at all. Either the person in question gets off their ass and does their fair share, or they’re out. If children around the world can cook and clean, so can a grown adult. If they refuse or get resentful, then they can move back home with their mom.
8. Letting others bully them or push them around.
This doesn’t mean actively looking for a fight over some imagined slight, but an individual with a healthy level of self-respect won’t allow bullies to push them around. This may involve bullying from a colleague or supervisor at work, or be as severe as allowing a domestic partner to lay hands on them.
Bullies are usually cowards who back off fast when they get a taste of their own medicine. Self-respecting people don’t just push back when folks try to abuse them: they also let others know what happened so that the bully can’t try to corral others into their corner about it. They won’t succumb to peer or familiar pressure to tolerate that abuse, even if it means alienating those closest to them. They’d rather be alone or unemployed with their self-esteem intact than remain in a situation where they’re openly mistreated and expected to smile about it.
Final thoughts…
Most of us have looked back on experiences in which we should have behaved a certain way to defend ourselves, but didn’t, and feel shame for not taking appropriate action. Being passive and allowing others to show flagrant disrespect damages a person’s self-respect incrementally, breaking their spirit and making them meek, acquiescent shadows of their former self.
This is why it’s so important to keep self-respect intact by refusing to tolerate mistreatment. Raise those boundaries high, defend them fiercely, and increased self-respect can’t help but follow.
