A quick glance through Reddit (or any other social network) will give you some startling insights as to others’ relationship standards. Many will post queries asking if they’re being unreasonable or overreacting about a situation when they were only asking for the bare minimum, and being denied it. Relationships are about give and take, yet far too many people settle for mistreatment under the guise of keeping the peace or being grateful for the scraps they’re thrown. Here are just a few standards that you need to raise in your relationship, that are absolutely not too much to ask for.
1. Both partners doing their fair share.
We’ve come a long way, but according to studies from the Pew Research Center, in relationships where both partners work full time, women are still responsible for 64 percent of household labor — i.e. chores and cooking — and 73 percent of cognitive labor, which includes everything from making healthcare appointments and keeping track of birthdays to making grocery lists, delegating household tasks, etc.
Of course, there will be some relationships where the roles are reversed, and it isn’t limited to male/female relationships either. The bottom line is that unfair imbalances can occur in any partnership, and they will lead to anger and resentment over time. It’s not asking too much for your partner to do an equal share of household tasks, especially if your responsibilities outside of the home are equally matched. Of course, these can be divided according to personal capability, but the responsibilities should still be fairly balanced at all times.
2. Respecting personal space and boundaries.
Just because you’re in a relationship, it doesn’t mean your partner is entitled to know everything about you or to have access to you whenever they like. It’s not unreasonable to ask each other to respect privacy when you’re in the washroom/shower, and to not use each other’s phone, computer, etc., without asking permission first.
The same goes for respecting each other’s boundaries around personal space and alone time. Everyone needs time to themselves, whether it’s to read peacefully after a rough day at work or simply to be alone with their thoughts on occasion. Of course, this needs to be worked around other responsibilities, especially if you have kids, but you need to ensure this time is fair and balanced for each party.
3. The courage to defend each other.
While it takes courage to defend one’s partner against an armed thug, it takes just as much bravery and integrity to stand up to one’s social circle if they’re behaving badly towards the person they love. It’s not too much to ask if you want your partner to defend you when others are being unfair, inappropriate, or abusive, especially when those people are supposed friends or family members — either theirs, or your own.
One of the greatest things an ex of mine ever did for me was to call my parents out on their poor behavior towards me. They were shocked and appalled that someone dared to criticize them in their own home, but it was completely warranted. Actions like this show your partner that you have their back no matter what, even (especially) when it comes to blood ties.
According to relationship experts, if your partner doesn’t defend you, they’re essentially showing you that you can’t trust them. They won’t have your back in a crisis, and will leave you to deal with hostility or danger while they prioritize their own safety.
4. Paying attention to what’s important to one another.
A startling number of people accept the bare minimum from partners who don’t do things that are important to them. This can range from someone’s spouse of several years not bothering or forgetting to do anything for their birthday, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, etc., to their partner not bothering to take their food allergies into consideration when making or ordering food.
These are the not-so-little details that really matter and can make or break a partnership. If your partner hasn’t even been making the barest effort to do things that matter to you, and you’ve been repressing your disappointment, sadness, and anger about it, now is the time to do something to change the situation. You are worth far more than minimum effort.
5. Listening to each other.
It’s a sad reality that a lot of men will simply nod and smile when their partner voices concerns to shut them up as quickly as possible. Then later, when tensions arise because they didn’t do what they said they would, or got some important piece of information wrong, they’ll get angry at their partners for their own poor behavior. It’s not too much to ask for your partner to stop for a minute and actually listen to what you have to say, like you’re the most important person in their life or something. You deserve to be heard and feel heard.
Listening and paying attention to each other also involves taking note of what’s important and keeping your word if you’ve made a promise. If your partner has agreed to something and they don’t follow through, that needs to be addressed so it can be sorted out before resentment grows.
6. Reciprocity.
This is different from each partner doing their fair share, insofar as it’s specifically about whether your partner does as much for you as you do for them. A perfect example of this is to take a look at whether they pour as much effort and care into dates that are important to you as you do when dates are important to them.
For example, countless women spend ages with their kids to plan special Father’s Day surprises for their husbands or partners, but when Mother’s Day rolls around, they’ll be lucky if they even receive a happy greeting or a cheap card, let alone anything that truly matters to them. The same thing often happens with holiday gift giving, where some partners spend months picking out perfect gifts, only to receive a gift card or an ill-fitting robe that they’ll never wear, or a pair of socks they don’t need.
7. Taking action to remedy wrongdoing.
Saying words is all well and good, but words without action are hollow and empty. It’s easy for someone to say “I’m sorry” for doing something hurtful or disrespectful, but if they keep doing it, they aren’t really sorry at all.
Stop accepting the bare minimum when it comes to your partner making amends for wrongdoing, and make sure to defend boundaries if and when needed. A lot of people don’t like to be called out for poor behavior, and often try to push (or overstep) boundaries to reassert their dominance after being chastised. If you acquiesce to their overstepping because you’re tired and just feel like keeping the peace, they’ll never respect that boundary again.
8. Keeping the sense of humour balanced.
It’s incredibly important for couples to laugh together, especially in difficult circumstances, but the key is to recognize when one’s partner no longer finds something funny. A lot of couples roast each other for fun, or bring up embarrassing things that happened in the past to get a laugh, but if something strikes a nerve or stops being a joke for both parties, then that “joke” needs to stop.
If you’ve told your partner repeatedly that certain things he or she finds funny are upsetting, hurtful, or even just annoying to you, then it’s not asking too much to request that they stop doing it. If they don’t, ask yourself why amusing themselves at your expense is more important than showing you care and respect as requested.
9. Equality in decision-making.
Both partners should have an equal say in anything that affects both of them, rather than one having more influence than the other. Otherwise, you’ll just end up in a miserable one-sided relationship. This goes for everything from meal planning to home decor, since both people will be either benefiting from or having to deal with this choice.
Do you and your partner discuss things as a couple and then find a middle ground that works for both of you? Or do they get to make most of the decisions while you go along with them because that’s easier than standing your ground and arguing? If your partner gets to have more of a say than you do, why do they think that’s acceptable in your relationship?
And more importantly, why do you?
Final thoughts…
When it comes to standards you think are “asking too much” in your relationship, stop and consider how you would feel if your best friend asked you if those same requests were unrealistic for their own relationship. Chances are, you’d reassure them that they deserve respect, kindness, love, and consideration, and not to settle for anything less than what they’re worth.
Can you say the same thing to the person you see in the mirror? If not, ask yourself how you’re benefiting by staying with a person who puts in less than the bare minimum towards you.
