Have you ever felt confused by how many people want to be your friend because you don’t know what it is they see in you? This may be perplexing because you consider yourself a bit of a curmudgeon, or you think you’re weirder than the average individual, but there’s just something about you that draws others to you like moths to a lava lamp.
If so, you likely embody many, if not all, of the seemingly counterintuitive habits below, and despite your best efforts, everyone you meet wants to get to know you.
1. Being unavailable.
If you’ve ever seen the Lord of the Rings films, you probably remember how cool and mysterious Aragorn/Strider looked when he was tucked into a corner at the Prancing Pony, all hooded and smoking his pipe in the shadows. You might do something similar if you simply feel like reading a book in the corner of your favorite cafe after work. According to Psychology Today, people are biologically primed to love mystery, and so your unavailable behavior draws people in as they want to figure you out.
Of course, it’s important to tread the middle ground here. After all, if you’re overly aloof, people won’t know that you’re even there, or will be too afraid to approach you.
Unless of course you want to be the ninja shadow dragon warrior edgelord, in which case carry on.
2. Dressing “strangely.”
Professor of psychology, Lawrence Josephs, says people are drawn to authenticity and will often gravitate towards those who stand out from the norm. Sure, a lot of people might call you “weird” or “strange” for not looking like everyone else does, but those who stand out in a crowd don’t just garner attention because they’re different — they’re also proving that they are strong enough to be themselves instead of joining the herd.
I experienced this firsthand when I was younger, and ended up with some great friendships and romantic relationships as a result. I was the only guy in my social group who had long hair, and I dressed in eclectic clothing items from around the world that I had purchased on my travels or thrifted in hippie shops. Most of my friends dressed in whatever was available at the mall, and gave me hell for captivating the people they were interested in, which was never my intention! I was just being “me”.
3. Maintaining good spirits even when you’re struggling.
There are many reasons why a person might try to look at the bright side of every experience, even when they’re struggling hard, and you may have done this so often that it has become second nature to you. You’re not virtue signaling or being false when you choose to focus on the positives in any given situation, but instead, you’ve learned that it’s the best way to move through the difficulties you encounter.
Unsurprisingly, this habit of remaining joyful despite a hard life is immensely attractive to others and will inspire a great deal of respect and confidence in those you meet.
Most people are used to those who dwell on the negative, who are pessimistic — even fatalistic — and use their victimhood to get what they want in any given circumstance. Those whose mindset and attitude expand in times of crisis rather than withdrawing and retracting show an immense amount of resilience. Sometimes, when the SHTF, it’s exactly this type of resilience that will encourage others to keep going rather than giving up.
4. Remaining the calm point in the storm.
Much like maintaining good spirits, by embodying self-control and stoicism amid chaos, you can’t help but inspire others to do the same. Basically, those who are running around and freaking out will see you as the embodiment of strength and calm, and won’t just be drawn to you — they’ll seek to emulate you as well. You become the axis mundi of that small area, radiating an energy that others will end up glowing with as well. It’s rather like how a candle flame can ignite others around itself without ever depleting its own light.
Whether you’re a naturally stoic person or you’ve cultivated this trait over the years, know that just about everyone you come across will be drawn to you as a result. Most people are innately drawn to individuals who have quiet strength and control over their emotions, and shy away from those who exude panic and instability.
5. Cultivating a wide skill set.
You might not think too deeply about the fact that you have an extensive range of skill sets, but trust in the fact that this is a hugely impressive trait to a lot of people. Most folks nowadays have very niche abilities, and either never learned the skills that previous generations took for granted, or they struggle with them due to a lack of practice. Ask those in your social circle how many of them know how to sew buttons back onto their clothes or train a horse, and watch how many of their faces “blue screen” at the prospect.
The reason this is considered counterintuitive is that a lot of people mock those who have wide expertise rather than a niche focus, as evidenced by the “Jack of all trades, master of none” idiom that some elder family members are so fond of using. In reality, a surprising number of folks seriously respect those who seem able to do just about anything.
6. Being strictly boundaried.
This might seem counterintuitive because a lot of people push back against those who establish and maintain strict boundaries, but the opposite is actually true. It’s kind of like how kids push boundaries to see how much they can get away with, but get along best with those who are strict with them.
On a fundamental level, people seem to admire and respect those who are confident in themselves and who brook no egress when it comes to their personal standards. Furthermore, people who assert strong boundaries and won’t allow others to disrespect those boundaries tend to have an air of assertive self-confidence about them, which is attractive on numerous levels. People who recognize this in you will either want to be your friend, your romantic partner, or your ally in some other way.
7. Not being overly friendly.
You might make a point of maintaining a courteous distance from everyone because you just want to be left the hell alone, but few things pique people’s curiosity like a person who seems to have little interest in them. It’s always the forbidden fruit situation: people often ignore things (and people) that are easily accessible, but the one that seems out of reach, or different from the usual offerings on hand, is the one that’s most appealing.
As a result, although you try to keep yourself to yourself and might even have gotten a reputation for being a lone wolf who’s not terribly friendly, you’ve unintentionally made yourself terribly alluring to the very individuals that you’ve been seeking to distance yourself from.
Final thoughts…
For something to be counterintuitive, it means that it goes against what’s conventionally held as wisdom or normalcy. As such, it might seem strange to you that not being terribly friendly, keeping yourself to yourself, and being the village “weirdo” draws more people to you than the effervescent extrovert who happily greets strangers on the street.
But you’re the type of person whom others would describe as just having “something about you” that they can’t quite put their finger on. And as such, they consider you fascinating, and they all want to get to know you.
