Have you ever struggled in a friendship where the other person was clearly in pain, and it was causing you harm?
Many people live this unfortunate truth as they try to strike a balance between kindness and self-preservation. Addicts, the mentally ill, people who just make bad decision after bad decision because their judgment isn’t good – the list could go on.
I am someone who has lived with Bipolar Disorder for over 30 years, and I have been on both sides of the fence. I’ve been the friend trying to be supportive, and the person doing the harm. As such, let me share my experience as we talk about how to attempt to strike a balance.
1. Always remember: pain may explain behavior, but that doesn’t mean you have to tolerate it.
People who are struggling tend not to act in the best way, because the way people act tends to be a reflection of what is going on in their life and in their head.
There are common sayings in the mental health space about that. “Mental illness is not an excuse for bad behavior” is one of them.
Well, that is sometimes true and sometimes not. In my case, I’ve experienced psychosis on at least two occasions.
During those times, I was unable to make good decisions grounded in rationality and my genuine beliefs. I did things during those cycles that were harmful not only to other people, but to myself.
You can’t tell me that mental illness is no excuse for that. Well, you can, but that would tell me that you do not understand how psychosis works.
When you are that mentally unwell, your brain convinces you of a reality that exists, and you act on it because every fiber of your being is telling you that it’s the truth. As such, I acknowledge that nuance when I’m trying to be supportive of other people going through a tough time.
But still, outside of times when someone has genuinely lost touch with reality, you do have to differentiate – is this thing they’re going through being used as an excuse or an explanation?
I’m generally of the view that in these situations an excuse is used to absolve yourself without taking any responsibility or trying to do better, whereas an explanation explains the problematic behavior but involves the person at least trying to take control of it.
But either way, whether their mental state explains their behavior or not, that doesn’t mean you have to tolerate it, particularly when it causes you harm.
For example, years ago, I was in a relationship with a severely mentally ill woman. I put up with a lot of verbal and emotional abuse because I knew it came from a dark place.
However, we eventually reached a point where she was regularly getting blackout drunk, refusing to talk to any professionals, and she punched me in the face.
At that point, I decided there was no reason to keep subjecting myself to that, no matter the explanation for the behavior. It’s important to have boundaries you’re not willing to let other people cross. For me, the physical abuse was it, though many would argue I should have left sooner.
2. Ask: Is this who they are, or is it temporary?
As a person with a severe mental illness, it took me a long time to separate who I actually was from my condition.
There were a lot of bad behaviors and habits I had because my mental illness made me hostile, aggressive, and combative to people.
But is that who I actually was? Well, no. Because when I’m balanced and stable, I’m not that way at all.
The problem is that I wasn’t balanced and stable. And it’s also possible that I may get unbalanced in the future.
The difference now is that I understand these behaviors in myself, which also allows other people to identify them. The people around me know I’m not a jerk in general, so if I start acting like one, then it’s likely my mental illness. They can then bring that to my attention, and hopefully I’m grounded enough to do something about it.
The same goes for temporary life circumstances. Life happens, and people do not necessarily behave well when they are going through something difficult. Losing someone you love, divorce, losing a job, or any other number of circumstances can turn a person’s world inside-out.
If your best friend is heartbroken and going through a divorce, they may be short-tempered due to lack of sleep or anxiety about the future.
So it’s important to ask, “Is this part of their normal behavior? Or is it unusual?”
Personally, if it’s unusual and the context explains it, I’m far more forgiving than I otherwise would be. But if they’re doing wrong things often, without any willingness to change, then it’s more likely to be an excuse than a reason. That’s a different story, and stronger boundaries may be required.
3. Do they take responsibility for their actions?
Effort is often one of the strongest indicators of whether or not you should allow a little leeway for a difficult person.
People who are in pain and struggling tend to be quite apologetic when their pain touches other people.
They tend to try not to, though their efforts may be imperfect. They do things like go to therapy, or try to stop drinking, or try to make up for damage that they caused.
The people that you need hard boundaries against do not.
That was the straw that broke the camel’s back in my previous relationship – she just wouldn’t try. She thought that I would stick around and be abused while she refused to try to progress at all.
Someone who is genuinely trying may not get it perfect, and that’s okay. It helps to account for that. But are they trying to fix the problem? Deal with the stress? Heal the harm that’s been caused? If so, I’m more inclined to give that person grace than not.
But if I hear excuses like, “Well, that’s just the way I am,” or if they dismiss your concerns because “You know what I’ve been through!” well, that’s avoidance, and that means you are going to be subjecting yourself to continued bad behavior.
It’s not worth the lingering damage and trauma that you will be subjected to.
4. Keep in mind that your love and compassion cannot save someone.
There are a lot of people who believe that if they just love someone enough, they will take inspiration from that and turn their life around.
Unfortunately, that’s just not true.
The world is full of people mourning loved ones lost to circumstances like mental illness, suicide, and addiction.
Does love sometimes save someone? Sure. But this isn’t a Hallmark movie. Stories of redemption and loving someone back from the brink are often that – just stories. You cannot rely on that when you are trying to encourage someone to help themselves.
In fact, to not set boundaries with this person is to enable them and may even encourage their bad behavior because they don’t see repercussions for it. And there are some people who need to see those repercussions before they can decide to make a turn for the better.
What you need to understand is that a lack of boundaries basically perpetuates the trauma of the situation for everyone, including you.
Some people who stay too long end up with ruined self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and even PTSD. You can’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. If you do, it’s more likely to consume you than warm them.
5. Look for effort in return.
A relationship of any kind shouldn’t be a competition. You don’t want to fall into a habit of keeping score.
However, you do want to see that the person is trying to contribute to the relationship. If they’re not, you’re going to find yourself in a caregiver role more than the role of a friend or relationship partner.
Think of it like a jug of water. They should pour into you the same way that you pour into them. That helps keep the relationship healthy and balanced.
A person who is taking advantage of you, on the other hand, usually won’t pour back into you. Instead, they stay focused on their own problems or what you should be doing for them rather than ever worrying about you.
If you see effort now, or they have shown it in the past, that’s a good sign. They may not be able to provide adequate support right now if they’re really struggling, but that should change as they continue to work on their issues.
Final thoughts…
If you need to distance yourself from someone and feel guilty for doing so, that does not mean that you’re making the wrong decision.
If you are a kindhearted person, it’s going to hurt to step away from someone that you care about who is clearly struggling. The unfortunate reality is that sometimes you just have to. Sometimes, that person won’t be doing right by you, and will have no interest in trying.
They’ve either made a choice that they’re going to wallow, or they just don’t have the awareness needed to make a change. Either way, you’re not obligated to stay in harm’s way because of that.
