By the time we reach adulthood, most of us have (hopefully) figured ourselves out a bit. This type of self-awareness includes a general understanding of our place in the universe, what drives us, why we think and behave the way we do, and how our actions affect those around us.
Some people, however, never seem to develop this awareness. Instead, they go through life acting on their whims, often shocking and alienating their social circles. If someone you know exhibits the behaviors listed here, it’s likely that their self-awareness skill failed to load and still hasn’t activated.
1. Feeling that their thoughts and ideas are always right (and getting hostile when others disagree).
Basically, people who lack self-awareness often mistake thoughts and feelings as facts, even when they may not be grounded in any logic, reason, or truth. According to Psychology Today, this can lead to: “…injustice, unethical, and immoral behavior, among other harmful things”. Furthermore, their attachment to their opinions and personal perceptions as “truth” can lead them to get into serious fights with others.
Most of us have experienced situations where a particularly ornery relative or social acquaintance goes ballistic at a group event because someone else dares to contradict their viewpoint, especially if they provide evidence to back up their stance. For people who always need to be right, challenging their opinions makes them feel personally attacked, and they’ll often lash out violently, either with their words or their fists.
2. Showing little empathy towards others.
For many people, their lack of empathy occurs because they aren’t well attuned to their own emotions: they may have difficulty recognizing or understanding what they think and feel, and thus have great difficulty figuring out how others feel in turn. This lack of empathy can also manifest as a lack of consideration for how others may feel about their actions.
As an example, the last time I was in a hospital, a man there kept whistling to himself. Sure, waiting rooms aren’t exciting places to be and can cause people anxiety, but this dude was whistling away, oblivious to how uncomfortable he was making others. Even after nurses asked him several times to please stop, he’d be quiet for a moment and then start right back up again. People who lack self-awareness tend to be fixated on their wants, needs, and entertainment, so it never occurs to them to be courteous to those in their company, whether by choice or otherwise.
3. Acting impulsively instead of thinking things through.
People who have a strong sense of self-awareness tend to consider the consequences of various behaviors before putting them into action. They’ll recognize that jumping into ice without knowing how thick (or thin) it is beforehand might be a bad idea, or that 30 years down the road, they might regret getting flames tattooed around their nipples.
In contrast, Psychology Today informs us that those who lack self-awareness often act on impulse: they simply follow whatever whim they have at the time without examining where this whim is coming from, or what the trickle-down effect of their behavior might entail. When asked why they did the thing in question, they will often respond with: “I didn’t think”.
It’s worth noting that impulsivity is not always a result of a lack of self-awareness. People with ADHD, for example, are often biologically wired to impulsive behavior, but this is more to do with an imbalance of dopamine in their brains than a lack of self-awareness. That said, self-awareness can still be a crucial tool in helping ADHDers to pause and think things through before acting on impulses.
4. Believing that they’re fully responsible for all they’ve achieved, instead of acknowledging those who helped them.
You know when kids “help” their parents make dinner by stirring something on the stove or adding some cherry tomatoes to the salad, and then insist that they made the entire meal on their own? That’s a great example of this type of behavior. People who lack self-awareness are incapable of being objective about the amount of effort they put into their endeavors.
These are the people who’ll contribute a coffee run and some insipid suggestions to a group project, and then take credit for its success later. They’re also the types who will brag about how successful and self-made they are without acknowledging that they got to that point because their parents left them a trust fund, made connections for them, and essentially opened every door for their inevitable success.
5. Making negative comments or generalizations (usually based on personal biases and ignorance).
One minute you’re hanging out with someone, maybe talking about music or future plans, and the next, they make an awful comment about another person, culture, or religion that has no basis in actual fact. They’ll often go on at length with their prejudicial observations and insist that they’re right about “those people”.
Furthermore, if you try to argue with logic and reason, their only response will be to inform you that you’ve been brainwashed and can’t think for yourself. If these painfully ignorant people do cite any references to prove their point, they’ll be things like online forum posts or really sketchy, self-published books by those with questionable mental faculties.
6. Not having any kind of filter when it comes to sensitive subjects.
Those who lack self-awareness tend to speak before thinking, and many don’t even think much about what they’ve said after they’ve blurted out something that they really should have kept silent about.
They might be out for drinks to meet a friend’s new partner and ask in front of everyone if this new partner knows about the STD their friend had last year. Alternatively, they might make an observation during a work meeting that their boss and a colleague have been working late together an awful lot recently.
Basically, they say whatever pops into their head without considering where their observations came from, how their words will affect those around them, or whether it’s appropriate to share their thoughts at that particular moment.
It’s worth noting that some people do this as a result of neurodivergence (i.e., autism, ADHD, or a combination of the two, AuDHD). In these instances, it’s not usually a lack of self-awareness that’s the driving force. Neurodivergent people’s communication style is simply more direct than neurotypical people’s. However, for many others, it’s a case of limited self-awareness.
7. An inability to make decisions (especially on their own).
People who lack self-awareness are so out of touch with their own thoughts, emotions, likes, or dislikes that they have incredible difficulty making any kind of decision. In fact, many of them abdicate the entire decision-making process and delegate it to those around them instead. As a result, they end up simply doing what other people tell them to do and take the majority of their life cues from media, celebrities, and other influencers.
When and if they have to make a decision on their own, they’ll ask everyone they know for advice and then struggle with choosing a direction. Most of them will end up going with what the person with the highest status or authority tells them to do (such as their doctor, spiritual advisor, or elder relative), since they’re the most likely to know what they’re talking about.
8. Drawing a blank when asked what they think or feel about something.
When asked about a topic, they’ll generally discuss what they heard others talk about on podcasts or what they saw on the news, but when you stop them and ask them what they think about it, they go blank and have no idea what to tell you. The same thing happens if you ask them about personal preferences regarding food, music, fashion, and so on. They’re so accustomed to going with the crowd that they have no idea how they think or feel about the actions they take on a daily basis. They have no idea who they really are.
For example, they’ll listen to a band or singer because they’re on the radio all day, but they can’t tell you whether they truly enjoy their music or not. Similarly, they might follow a particular diet or exercise regimen because that’s what others have told them to do, but if you ask them if they like it and if they feel they’re benefitting from it, they can’t answer.
It never occurs to them to check in with themselves to see whether these choices feel right to them or not: they simply go through the expected motions because that’s what everyone else is doing.
Final thoughts…
If someone you care about exhibits this complete lack of self-awareness, you can try to help them cultivate it by buying them an “All About Me” type of journal to fill out for fun, or make a point of asking them about their thoughts and feelings on a regular basis. It’s possible that their lack of self-awareness stems from never having been encouraged to examine their own thoughts or beliefs before. By helping them with this, you might open them up to new realms of personal introspection and development that they never dreamt of exploring.
