Sometimes we’ll come across people who seem mature and wise beyond their years, such as a calm, rational child we’d describe as an “old soul.” Similarly, we often encounter older people who seem to behave like histrionic teenagers.
If emotional maturity has nothing to do with age, intelligence, education, or life experience, then where does it come from? Rather than stemming from countless reincarnations or the patience of saints, psychology teaches us that it actually has to do with learning the behaviors listed below.
1. Emotion regulation skills.
This is one of the most important markers of emotional maturity and is a vital behavior that everyone should develop. It’s worth pointing out that some people do naturally struggle with emotional regulation more than others, but it’s certainly not something you either possess or don’t. It’s a skill that can be learned, just like any other.
Those who haven’t honed the skill are generally ruled by their feelings and will often make snap judgments and react without thinking, usually making things much worse than they need to be. In contrast, emotionally mature individuals consider the entire situation carefully and then decide how they’re going to respond: consciously, rather than instinctively.
An emotionally mature person feels confident in letting others know that they need time and space to mull things over so they can respond properly instead of saying or doing anything in the heat of the moment that they may regret later.
Psychology teaches us that not only does learning the skill of emotional regulation benefit ourselves, but it also creates emotional safety for others, making emotionally mature people magnetic to be around.
2. Self-reflection to be able to identify their feelings.
When we feel emotions, it’s important to understand where those feelings came from, why, and how they manifest in us. Emotions don’t always spring from rational sources, but can instead leap up and bite at us from shadowy corners we didn’t even realize we had.
An emotionally immature person will insist that their feelings are valid no matter what, even if they can’t explain why they’re feeling that way. In fact, they likely won’t even pause to think about their emotions and their roots.
In contrast, psychologists report that the development of self-awareness is key to becoming more emotionally mature. An emotionally developed person will do the work to better understand themselves and where their feelings may have arisen from.
By engaging in this kind of self-reflection, they can determine whether they’re moving on instinct, the remnants of past trauma, societal programming, or valid emotion.
3. Governing their own behavior instead of making others responsible for it.
Those who are emotionally immature often expect others to mollify them when they’re upset, and what’s more, they expect others to modify their own behavior in order to make them more comfortable. If they don’t, and the individual in question ends up having an emotional outburst, then it’s everyone else’s fault for not behaving as expected.
Every individual is responsible for managing their own behaviors and responses, rather than making it everyone else’s job. That said, it’s important to distinguish this from two very valid and healthy practices: setting respectful boundaries and being considerate of others’ genuine needs.
Asking a friend not to discuss a painful topic, or a colleague to turn their music down, isn’t emotional immaturity — it’s healthy self-advocacy. Similarly, those who are neurodivergent or living with conditions such as PTSD or anxiety may require certain reasonable accommodations, and asking for those is not a failure of emotional maturity.
The key distinction lies in effort and intent. Are they also doing the internal work to develop their own coping mechanisms, or are they relying entirely on others to manage their world for them? I have a relative who insists on trying to control what everyone around her says and does so she doesn’t get “triggered”, because she feels that approach is easier than cultivating her own coping mechanisms — and crucially, she makes no effort to develop those mechanisms at all.
The goal of developing emotional maturity isn’t to suffer in silence or dismiss one’s own needs, but rather to take ownership of one’s emotions in order to also balance the needs of others.
4. Empathy, even when you can’t personally relate to someone’s experience.
To be able to put oneself into another’s shoes in order to understand their perspective is something many people struggle with. After all, if you haven’t lived through the same experiences or don’t have the same biological makeup as someone, it can be extremely hard to understand what they’re going through. In fact, some people can’t even enjoy a novel unless they can relate to the main character. If they’re too different from their own nature, they honestly cannot understand their interests or motivations.
This is traditionally what’s described as a lack of empathy, but in reality, in order to empathize with someone, you don’t truly need to understand what they’re going through. You just need to believe them and support them accordingly.
Yes, this will be easier for naturally empathetic people, but it’s something that anyone can practice if they are willing. Emotionally mature people have this skill, and they use it to connect with other people’s experiences, even if that person’s life or experiences are extremely different from their own. This offers great opportunities for awareness and compassion, which an emotionally immature person may not be capable of.
5. Effective conflict management.
Those who lack emotional maturity usually end up having quite a difficult time anytime conflicts arise. Some try to shut them down however they can, because they aren’t equipped to handle them. Others escalate these situations and scream in an attempt to gain control over them, or break down crying because they get overwhelmed and don’t know how to negotiate things back to calm rationality.
In contrast, emotionally mature people have learned effective conflict management techniques and put them into practice when tensions are riding high. They keep calm when chaos rages around them, approach difficult situations with logic and reason, and refuse to engage in shouting matches.
In a highly charged scenario, they may even excuse themselves until such time as everyone involved is prepared to discuss things decently, with positive resolution as the ultimate goal.
6. Working with reality rather than rejecting it.
It’s a lot easier to remain in the realm of imagination and possibility than accept reality — especially when that reality is challenging. After all, difficult circumstances can often be deeply upsetting. It’s awful to face the reality that someone we have deep feelings for doesn’t and will never reciprocate them, for example, or that the inevitable aging process will prevent us from attaining the life goals we always dreamed of.
Emotionally immature people will keep clinging to these delusions, even though all the evidence points to the contrary. They’re so attached to their daydreams that the thought of losing them is too devastating for them to fathom. As a result, they remain firmly planted in the realm of imagination, squandering valuable time in favor of pipe dreams.
Meanwhile, emotionally mature people have learned to accept the things they cannot change, grieve as needed, change course towards a more reasonable, attainable goal, and let go of what will never be.
7. Accepting responsibility rather than avoiding it.
An emotionally immature person will usually get angry and defensive when faced with a truth they don’t want to acknowledge. Instead of accepting that they’re guilty of wrongdoing, they’ll try to force responsibility as far away from themselves as possible by either justifying their actions or blaming someone else entirely.
For example, if they lost their temper and said something awful, it was because you made them do so. Similarly, if all their plants died of dehydration, it was because someone set the heat too high in the house, not that they forgot to water them. And so on.
This is in stark contrast to an emotionally mature person who will look at the situation, take stock of all the details, and acknowledge their role in any wrongdoing. They fully acknowledge what happened, apologize for the mistake, and then take action to make amends for any hurt they caused.
What’s more, their apology isn’t simply hollow words, but is followed by changed behavior to prove that they’re sincere and not just saying whatever is needed to calm people down so they can move on. Learning to take responsibility in this way is not an easy thing to do, but the benefits are innumerable.
Final thoughts…
Since emotional maturity involves learned, intentional behaviors rather than innate knowledge, it’s something that anyone can cultivate. That said, it’s a difficult endeavor that most people aren’t interested in pursuing. The vast majority of individuals try to avoid discomfort whenever possible, and the behaviors listed here all involve a significant amount of it.
If there’s one thing most of us have learned, however, it’s the idea that anything worth doing will involve some growing pains. And emotional maturity is definitely worth the pain involved in cultivating it.
