Few things are worse than watching someone you love go through a hard time. But as bad as it is, there is also a silver lining to that otherwise storm-filled sky. It’s in these times that we have the opportunity to help a loved one and deepen the bond of our relationship, whether it’s romantic or not.
It can be a fine balance because men often reject any kind of help out of a misplaced sense of ego, pride, or insecurity. As such, the approach you take matters, so that you don’t accidentally end up pushing him away. These are some ways you can help without pushing too hard.
1. Be present, but avoid pressuring him to talk.
Many men feel uncomfortable opening up about themselves and exposing their vulnerability. Unhealthy social norms, though contested more often nowadays, are still in place, which require many men to appear to be a rock. That is, they are expected to have no difficult emotions or problems. Anger is sort of acceptable, but not really.
As a formerly angry man, I can attest that the common social perception that men’s anger is “acceptable” is incorrect. It’s not acceptable. It just sounds good to say that because critics make it sound like it’s a good thing. It’s not. Happy, well-adjusted people don’t want to be around angry men. It’s not “accepted,” it’s ignored. It’s ignored in that when you’re around an angry man, you try to get away from him because you don’t know what his capability for violence is.
So offer to listen if something is bothering him and he’s willing to open up. If not, then try to spend a bit more time with him instead. Don’t bring up his problems or try to convince him to talk. Instead, just let him sit in the space with you so that he can reach an appropriate comfort level for himself. By doing that, you give him the ability to open up of his own volition instead of trying to force it out.
2. Break the ice with a gentle, open-ended question.
The best way to approach someone who may be wary about opening up is by being direct but gentle. An open-ended question like, “You haven’t seemed like yourself lately. What’s on your mind?” is a good starter. That way, you don’t give the hard finality of a “yes” or “no” which can shut down the conversation. Plus, it’s proactive, but it doesn’t feel aggressive.
You don’t want to accidentally cause him to shut down defensively before he even has an opportunity to consider opening up. If that happens, then you’re probably not going to be able to get him to confide in you.
3. Just listen without giving solutions.
Many men are wired to be problem-solvers. It’s a love language for many of us, because we know we can be of service and help the people we care about. Knowing that, understand that he may want to figure out his own problems himself, or you can always ask if he would like any ideas. A good way to approach that question is to ask, “What have you already tried?”
That way, you don’t ruffle his feathers too much by suggesting things that he already tried or thought were obvious. When he feels sensitive and vulnerable, having someone imply that he’s not capable or able has the potential to sting. It’s not rational, and most men who are emotionally aware enough will be able to realize that and rationalize it. However, sometimes emotions slip past you.
4. Try not to take his mood personally.
Bad moods happen. It’s easy to take personally when someone is snippy with you when you don’t deserve it, or when you’re just trying to help. If only humanity could be so neat and clean with their emotions, to have them carefully controlled and never spilling over into other areas of life.
Of course, that doesn’t mean you should accept rude, bad, or abusive behavior. You shouldn’t. But just be aware that if he’s having a hard time, it’s not personal. You can probably think of plenty of times when you’ve been sick or struggling and didn’t have the most patience for others. Emotional resilience can wear thin when you’ve been struggling for a while, and as the American Psychological Association informs us, not everyone has the same level of emotional resilience to start off with.
5. Encourage him to relieve stress through healthy hobbies or other outlets.
This is an indirect strategy for helping to get someone to open up. Stress causes an excess of energy in our bodies, so it’s good to burn off some of the energy that comes with whatever burden you may be carrying. The less energy and stress there is, the easier it will be for someone to emotionally articulate themselves well.
Think of it like venting some steam out of a pipe to make sure the pressure doesn’t get too high. Then, when he’s done with his activities, you can ask how he’s feeling and broach the topic of talking about it with you. If he still declines, then just let it go for now. Leave the offer open to listen if he needs a sounding board, but give him his space.
6. Do remind him that he doesn’t have to handle everything on his own.
Sometimes a man needs a gentle reminder or three that someone is on his side. Expressing faith in him or leaving an open offer to listen, should he need it, will help him feel supported. The weight of the world is crushing, particularly if you’re also struggling with something like depression or some other mental health condition. It can narrow your focus and make you forget that you do have people around you.
Plus, there are so many men who don’t have close friends anymore. So many people are emotionally shut down or withdrawn because they don’t want to be a burden or bother. Getting through to those men can be exceptionally difficult, particularly if no one’s really cared all that much before.
7. Be patient.
Vulnerability is difficult, particularly for men who have not had the privilege of being vulnerable in their lives. It’s a muscle that you need to exercise to get used to the discomfort of that raw sensitivity.
If you’re trying to support someone who isn’t used to it, it may take a lot of patience before they are willing to do it. It’s just part of the process that he may need to work through to even open the doors.
8. Do not use it against him later.
One reason men don’t open up is that our vulnerability is constantly used against us. I ran into that a lot when I was younger. I was vulnerable with a girlfriend who was trying to be supportive with me. She then proceeded to use what I had told her against me later when she was mad at me. Guess who never confided anything important in her, ever again? She proved herself to be an unsafe person.
I would say that most men have a similar story, where they trusted the wrong person and their secrets were passed around. There’s nothing worse than knowing your sensitivities are going to wind up in a group chat with your partner’s sisters or bestie because so many people see that as acceptable, for some reason.
Do not do this. If he finds out, you will push him away for good, and it is unlikely he will ever be able to fully trust you again. He certainly won’t show his vulnerability to you again.
9. Know when to get professional help.
Chronic problems, mental illness, and trauma are not arenas where random people should be mucking around. If he’s carrying something especially heavy, and he confides in you, encourage him to see a professional. A therapist can be a safe place to talk and provide meaningful, actionable help that can empower him to help himself. Some things are just too big for a friend or partner to help with.
To that end, he may need a little encouragement. Many men still have a hard time seeking therapy or mental health support. Gentle suggestions can go a long way.
Final thoughts…
Life is hard, and it makes so many people miserable. Even if you have everything you need, the travails of life are going to hit you sooner or later. Everyone could use a little support in those times.
Unfortunately, as men, we can often be harder to reach because of the social programming that we receive to be emotionless providers, to weather all blows without flinching. But that’s just not the way emotions work. If you know a man who’s struggling in this way, go slow. Gentle and patient should get you there.
