We all know that it takes two people to have a healthy relationship, and when things go wrong, mistakes are usually made on both sides. That said, there are a lot of situations in which one partner’s behaviors cause more damage than the other’s does, even if they aren’t done intentionally.
With the issues listed below, the men in question might not have realized that their actions were damaging their partnerships, and if said issues were brought to their attention, they may not have taken any action to improve them.
1. Treating domestic labor as women’s duty, while they just “help.”
Let’s say both members of a couple work full-time jobs. They share a home, work the same number of hours, and earn roughly the same amount of income. When it comes to doing housework and other family-related tasks, however, the man will inevitably talk about “helping” his wife or partner do the cooking, dishes, childcare, etc., as though it’s her default duty to take care of all of that, and he’s being terribly noble in assisting her with her work.
On top of that, he’ll often expect praise, acknowledgement, and even compensation for basic family and home participation. His wife might have done 20 chores and cooked three meals that day, but he’ll announce proudly that he scrubbed the toilet and has therefore earned intimacy later on. Despite all of our modern awareness, domestic labor is still misogynistically seen as “women’s work”, and experts remind us it’s undervalued, unseen, and under-acknowledged.
2. Responding with anger or irritability instead of vulnerability or openness.
Many men grew up with the idea that showing emotional vulnerability is a weakness. As a result, they don’t develop healthy conflict resolution skills and instead respond to difficult situations with either anger or irritability. They’ve been taught that these are the only acceptable emotions for men to have, and anything outside of that will make people lose respect for them.
My partner and I actually watched a Bill Burr comedy special recently — Drop Dead Years, if you’re interested — in which he said that the only two emotions men are allowed to have are: “mad, or fine. That’s it.” I’m very fortunate to be with a man who’s deeply in tune with his emotions and healthily expresses them, but he has told me that it’s a skill he learned and developed over time, rather than one that was taught to him in his youth.
3. Not having many (or any) friends other than their partner.
A startling number of men don’t have many friends outside of their relationship. While this might be considered sweet by some because these guys’ partners are their everything, it fails to take into account just how damaging and exhausting it is for someone to have to be everything to another person. A woman whose male spouse doesn’t have many (or any) friends is expected to be his companion, business advisor, housekeeper, therapist, nurse, maid, and lover, having to constantly switch hats and personality traits in order to be who and what he needs in the moment.
Nobody can be another person’s one and only in all things without eventually burning out. But when women express their concerns about these issues, their men often get defensive and act disappointed or betrayed instead of acknowledging the effects their behavior is causing. They might think it’s sweet to refer to their female partner as “their person”, but they’re forcing their supposedly favorite person to carry a massive burden for their benefit.
4. Using power or control to end disagreements.
Disagreements between partners are inevitable, but the key to resolving them lies in clear communication and mutual respect. Unfortunately, a lot of men simply try to shut down arguments or other tensions by being dominant rather than working with their partner to find a healthy middle ground.
They might raise their voices, bang tables, punch walls, throw things, decide that the discussion is over, or make threats and ultimatums in order to resolve the situation on their own terms. Then, they’ll behave as though everything is fine and good once again, and expect their partners to be cheerful and calm, as though nothing upsetting has happened.
5. Prioritizing personal hobbies and alone time without respecting hers in turn.
After a long, awful day at work, most men want to kick back and have some alone time to decompress. That’s totally understandable and should be encouraged as a means of vital self-care. Problems arise, however, when the men in question don’t acknowledge that their female partners also need the same kind of decompression time. Women’s work is just as stressful and draining, whether they’ve spent the day at the office or wrangling small humans.
Unfortunately, a lot of men prioritize their own alone time and personal pursuits, and treat their wives/partners as support structures to help them achieve it. For example, they might go away on golfing or hunting trips on weekends, but get up in arms if their wives want to go away with their friends for a weekend spa treatment.
Similarly, these guys might retreat to watch the game for a while, and then interrupt their wives’ movie or reading time once they feel refreshed and want her attention, only to feel resentful and rejected if said wives say that they need to be in their own heads for a while.
6. Minimizing or dismissing valid concerns.
Just about every woman in a male/female relationship has experienced a situation in which she was informed that she was overreacting about an issue that later became something very dire.
Many men will dismiss what their wives/partners are saying about potential problems, and will later refuse to acknowledge this behavior. Furthermore, a lot of men use dismissive phrases like “calm down” or “stop being emotional” if they don’t want to deal with the subject at hand.
These women could be utterly calm and rational as they’re expressing themselves, but their partners will imply that they’re flying off the handle and are behaving hysterically. When your partner dismisses what you’re saying, invalidates your concerns, and gaslights you about what you’re thinking and feeling, trust isn’t just damaged — it can be lost entirely.
7. Possessiveness under the guise of protectiveness.
It’s lovely when a man protects and looks out for his partner, but issues arise when this virtue is taken to excess, and it becomes possessive. Some men start off being moderately protective, but then start to dictate things like how their female partners spend their money, how they dress, who they spend time with, etc., all under the umbrella of “looking out for” them. In many cases, this constitutes subtle emotional abuse.
Some might even go so far as to say that they “won’t let” their partner make a mistake by doing X action, therefore justifying going through their phones or handbags to ensure that their wives aren’t “making mistakes they’ll later regret”.
Of course, if the roles were reversed, these men would rail against such intrusive actions, complaining that their partners don’t trust them, are treating them like children, and so on. Somehow, in viewing themselves as protectors and relationship leaders, they see no issue with this behavior on their part.
Final thoughts…
Although this article is about relationship issues that may be a male partner’s doing, there is no blame or misandry here. Rather, the focus is on the fact that these issues are socialized into men from a very early age without the awareness of how damaging these behaviors can be to their later relationships.
If men grow up without healthy examples of masculinity, measured openness, emotional regulation, and equal balance in their partnerships, it’s very difficult for them to break free from their programming. The keys here are self-awareness, communication, and dedication to personal growth.
