Almost every person who has been unfortunate enough to have a relationship with a narcissist wishes they had spotted the red flags far earlier than they did. Some undoubtedly wish they’d had a detector that could have beeped to warn them well in advance.
Sadly, no such detector has been invented yet, but there are ways to identify a narcissist in the wild. The speech patterns listed here will betray most of them within about a minute, so familiarize yourself with them and steer well clear when they appear!
1. Bragging pretty much immediately.
This might take the form of “humble bragging” or name-dropping, and will appear after just a few seconds of interaction with them. As soon as they start talking to you, they’ll mention their (supposedly) high-ranking title, position, or famous friends.
For example, immediately after introducing themselves, they might say something like: “Yeah, sorry I was late — I had to help my friend (X celebrity) with a problem”, or “I really have to get a new Mercedes: this one’s a few years old already and keeps breaking down, sigh…”.
As soon as they start talking, they feel an intense need to lay a foundation of their importance to build upon. If they don’t have a sufficiently high-ranking position to brag about, they’ll use their proximity to someone else who’s high status to prove how special they are. Or they’ll mention how expensive their clothes were, the exclusive event they attended recently, etc.
2. Instant flirtation or charm.
If you start talking to someone and they try to show how charming they are or start flirting with you almost immediately, that’s usually a massive red flag that they’re a narcissist.
These folks need to be adored by any means necessary, so being charming and flirtatious is a tactic narcissists often use to get others to let their guard down. If they feel flattered, they’re more likely to think highly of the narcissist, who’s usually deeply insecure and needs to feel wanted and accepted.
According to Very Well Mind, flirting may also take the form of negging, i.e., a compliment mixed in with an insult that intends to undermine a person’s confidence. I was once briefly involved with someone who ended up becoming a rather famous “pick-up artist”, and he used this technique to pique interest and manipulate his targets. The narcissist might say something negative that’s dressed up as playful banter. If the other person loses interest, the narcissist knows they came on too strongly and has to change their approach to one that’s more subtly disarming.
3. Letting others know that they’re dumbing things down for them because they “wouldn’t understand.”
Narcissists generally experience delusions of grandeur and, as such, have an overblown sense of their own intellect and superiority. They naturally assume they’re smarter, more capable, and better educated than those around them. Instead of asking whether someone has background knowledge in a particular subject, they’ll simply assume that they don’t, and start lecturing them on it, with great condescension, of course. They might say things like “this will probably go right over your head, but…” and then launch into a subject that others should find terribly impressive and erudite.
This type of grandiosity can quickly be deflated when it turns out that someone else knows more than the narcissist claims to. If the person they’re patronizing turns out to be an expert in said field or subject, the narcissist will offer an excuse that’ll allow them to make a hasty retreat, so they can hone in on much easier prey.
4. Conversation dominance.
A narcissist will barge into a conversation that’s already happening and promptly take control over it. They’ll interrupt or talk over those who try to speak, change the subject to something that they’d rather discuss, and talk at people rather than chatting with them.
Essentially, they go into storytelling or lecturing mode without knowing anything about the conversation they’ve just butted into. Why would they waste time listening to what’s being said instead of taking charge? The narcissist believes that anything they have to say is far more interesting than whatever had been discussed earlier, so they choose to hold court rather than interact with others as equals.
5. One-upmanship.
No matter what other people are talking about, the narcissist will find a way to one-up them somehow. Depending on what their personality is like, they might be overt with their competitiveness, or they may be more subtle about it — almost in a friendly or encouraging manner.
For example, if someone says that they visited Florence for the first time, the narcissist nearby might say that it’s awesome they got to experience it, and after they’ve been there a dozen more times, they’ll get to know all the coolest little cafes and hidden art treasures by heart, the same way they do.
If they fall into the previous category, however, they might mock the person for whatever it is they’ve achieved, bought, etc. They might say that they’re excited to have bought a condo to live in, and the narcissist will laugh and promptly brag about their multi-bedroom house with acreage. Or the person in question did a 5k run for the first time? Ha. They just got back from climbing Everest, and so on.
6. Backhanded compliments.
Many narcissists can’t help but be insulting, even when they’re making a half-baked attempt at being complimentary. Others will pretend to be “joking” when they disguise insults as a funny comment, or will make a backhanded compliment instead of a sincere one. For example, they might say that they admire what someone is wearing, and say that they admire their bravery for being seen in public in it even more.
The goal here is to undermine other people’s confidence so they can gain power over them. Basically, the person who’s been insulted may naturally feel inclined to prove their worth to the one who put them down, especially if they have low self-esteem. Once they try to do this, the narcissist will realize that they have a potential new supply on their hands, and will toss in additional hooks to draw them in.
7. “I, Me, Mine, My…”
Whereas other people will enter a conversation with grace and friendliness, and ask questions of those around them, most narcissists will choose to take center stage and immediately start talking about themselves. After all, what topic could possibly be more important or interesting than they are?
Narcissists need to constantly feed their egos, so just about every sentence they utter will begin with “I”. They don’t clue in if other people really aren’t interested in what they’re saying because they’re so fixated on captivating and entertaining those around them, even though nobody is reacting that way at all.
Final thoughts…
It’s important to be aware of drawing inaccurate conclusions when it comes to recognizing narcissists out in the wild. Although many narcissists display the behaviors above, other people — especially those who are neurodivergent — may also behave in a similar fashion, which may result in them being misidentified as narcissistic, when actually it’s just a misunderstood, but valid, communication difference.
That said, if you come across a person who uses these speech patterns, be on your guard because these can be massive red flags for narcissism. Observe their actions for a while longer and use your best judgment and intuition to protect yourself if more narcissistic behavior unfolds.
