When most of us care about other people, we’ll compliment and praise them so they know how we feel about them. Narcissists, however, use praise and compliments in a different way altogether. To them, these seemingly kind actions have no basis in loving care, but are instead used as currency to get what they want.
If you’re aiming to protect yourself against potential narcissistic abuse, or regain control in your life after being mistreated by a narcissist, it’s important to understand both the motivations behind their praise and compliments. What’s more, it’s just as important to understand our motivations in accepting them instead of recognizing them for what they are.
How narcissists use praise.
The first step in recognizing narcissistic “love bombing” (i.e., praise, compliments, outpourings of affection) is to be aware of how they use it as emotional currency.
As an exchange to get what they want.
Many narcissists mistake praise for love, and were raised to believe that it can be given or taken away on a whim. Most of them never experienced real, unconditional love in their formative years, and instead learned that they needed to perform a certain way to gain their caregivers’ affection and approval. Or, in some cases, to even get their basic needs met.
As a result, they learned to equate praise and compliments with love, and it doesn’t occur to them that they aren’t the same thing. When they did something to earn praise from their own absent, neglectful, or abusive caregivers, they saw that response as something kind and loving. When someone is programmed to see love as praise, and praise as something that’s earned as a reward for some kind of output, then that’s how they’ll view these exchanges forever.
Because of this, they’ll use compliments, praise, and even affection as transactions to get what they want, rather than authentic emotional expression. They may not feel much of anything for the target in question, but know that they can swap praise for the return they desire — rather like going to a cafe and receiving a cappuccino in exchange for some money.
To manipulate and control you.
Are you familiar with the phrase “buttering up”? It’s used in reference to feeding someone’s ego by complimenting them about things that are important to them, so that person will behave the way they want to. For example, a woman might mention how big and strong her husband is so he’ll be more inclined to help her carry something heavy. That’s a fairly innocent example, but a narcissist may use this tactic for more devious ends.
Let’s say they want to do something that their partner really isn’t into. They’ll spend days — if not weeks — praising them for how smart they are. Focus will be put on how well educated they are, how insightful they are, and the narcissist might even ask their victim for advice on several occasions. Then, when they mention the thing they want and receive pushback, they’ll reiterate how smart their partner is to encourage them to see the benefit of indulging their whim.
Alternatively, they might twist it around and imply that they thought their partner was smarter than they appear to be, since they can’t see the logic or benefit in this perfectly reasonable request.
Essentially, they puff up the traits that are most important to their victim, and then turn it around to guilt them into tolerating their abuse.
To avoid accountability for their behavior.
If they’ve behaved badly and they don’t want to be called out on it, they’ll play victim and use praise to elicit sympathy.
Here’s an example: let’s say the narcissist does something that really upsets their partner, like sending flirtatious photos or texts to someone else. If they think they’ll run the risk of losing their partner’s energy and support (i.e., their partner potentially kicking them out of the house or not supporting them financially anymore), they might pretend to break down and be vulnerable about their awful past.
They’ll call their victim their “person”, and talk about how they’ve never felt truly safe with anyone else before; that this angel has shown them so much patience and love, and they don’t deserve them, and maybe they should just die, and and and… The victim will inevitably feel sorry for them, reassure them, and feel like all the suffering they’ve been through has been worthwhile because they’re suddenly getting real emotion and connection for a change.
It’s all a ruse, however, and will go right back to the status quo as soon as the narcissist feels secure again.
The only time things might change is if their victim decides that they’ve had enough of the narcissist’s crap. If they start standing up and fighting back, or they threaten to end the relationship, then said narcissist realizes that they’ve gone too far. As soon as their personal security seems to be at risk, they may wake up to the fact that they’ve been a bit too awful towards their support pillar and personal energy supply, and they’ll go out of their way to be affectionate and complimentary again.
It’s vital to keep in mind that everything a narcissist does is a strategic play, and the way they use language is no exception. On a fundamental level, they see every interaction as a potential to advance their own interests and get their own needs and wants met, and the people in their lives are simply pawns with which to achieve them.
Remembering that can go a long way towards becoming immune to their push/pull behavior.
Why do we keep buying it?
There may be several reasons why a person might keep accepting a narcissist’s praise, but those listed here are some of the most common.
A lack of praise during formative years makes a person ache for it.
You might have noticed that many narcissists prey on empaths and those who have low self-esteem. These are people who may have had toxic parents and were often criticized during their childhood and adolescence. As a result, they learned two things: to brace for inevitable cruelty, and that any acknowledgement of their worth would be quite scant and hard-earned.
As a result, when a narcissist love bombs them and keeps telling them how gorgeous, brilliant, and amazing they are, they often feel seen and acknowledged for the first time in their life. They may develop an addiction to that praise, so when the narcissist withdraws their affection as a manipulative tactic, they’re willing to do just about anything to make that “loving” praise happen again.
We see the same thing happen with people who were denied various other things during their formative years. Those who grew up without much food in the house are prone to overeating in adulthood, and those who didn’t have many toys as children often grow up to collect them. It’s this very lack that a narcissist will prey upon, and they’ll dole out the pseudo kindness and praise whenever it serves their interests to do so.
“But they can be so sweet sometimes!”
Hope can be a beautiful, motivating force at times, but it can also lead to a false sense of security. A person who is love-bombed and fussed over by a narcissist may experience the most intense, passionate connection of their entire life. We’re talking the kind of intensity that puts romance novels and films to shame.
As such, when the narcissist pulls away and freezes them out, they cling to the memory of the love and praise they received before, and are willing to overlook truly reprehensible behavior if it means they’ll get it back again.
Even when the narcissist is being overtly cruel to them, that cognitive dissonance is present. They may be fully aware that they’re being abused, but they remember that the narcissist in question was once capable of (what seemed like) kindness and warmth towards them.
As a result, the dim hope that they might get that back at some point keeps them mired in the abuse, tolerating far more than they’d put up with from anyone else, just in case the narcissist wakes up and recognizes their worth once again.
It’s rather like a human version of the rather cruel drowning rat “hope” experiment done by Harvard’s Dr. Curt Richter. It showed that a drowning rat who has the hope of being saved will be willing to struggle on and keep treading water for up to a few days longer than the rats who don’t believe that they’ll be rescued. Those who think they might earn back praise (e.g., “love”) from a narcissist allow that false hope to keep them in terrible, abusive cycles.
A need for external validation.
People who grew up in traumatic circumstances or have terrible self-esteem for various reasons tend to seek out external validation as proof of their worth. Instead of being able to drum up self-confidence by taking pride in their own achievements — or simply because they’re amazing human beings — they chase recognition and approval from peers, superiors, and those they admire for one reason or another.
This is the zone in which the narcissist thrives. They can sense insecurity and low self-worth the same way sharks can sense a drop of blood in the water, and hone in on it. Once found, they exploit it for their own benefit. They hook their victim by reeling them in, and then playing a seemingly endless game of devaluing and love-bombing until they either lose interest or their new toy breaks. At that point, they’ll simply discard the one they’ve been using and seek another target.
The insecure person’s need for validation from others is their greatest weakness, which the narcissist will use to keep them in check. In essence, they become the steward of their victim’s self-worth and confidence, and will either dole it out or withdraw it like currency as they see fit.
When they want something from their target, they’ll be effusive with praise, compliments, gifts, and physical affection. Then, when they want this person to fall in line (maybe to leave them alone for a while, or do something they’d rather avoid), they withdraw their feigned kindness to make their victim chase it.
Once you become aware of the motivations behind a narcissist’s behavior, you’ll be far less vulnerable to it. This may cause significant tension in your relationship, whether you’re dealing with a narcissistic partner or parent, so you’ll need to brace yourself for the inevitable fallout.
Narcissists don’t deal well with change in power dynamics, and if they feel that they’re losing control, they can behave with rather drastic action to try to regain it. Be careful, enlist the help of a therapist or other healthcare provider if need be, and stand your ground.
They can only manipulate you with this kind of emotional currency if you allow them to.
