Many people behave in a self-effacing manner even if they don’t realize they’re doing so. They’ll do this by trying to remain inconspicuous or by downplaying the things they’ve done to let others take credit.
Although they might see this as noble, humble behavior, behaving this way can have dire repercussions that’ll echo throughout a person’s life. Even if this is in your nature — or you’ve been raised to behave this way — being highly self-effacing may cause irreparable damage across all aspects of your life. Here are 9 reasons why.
1. Others may consider your modesty and humility to be insincere.
You may have the best of intentions in drawing other people’s attention towards group efforts, or towards those whom you feel deserve the accolades more than you, but that doesn’t mean others will interpret your actions this way.
In fact, if you’re perpetually behaving in an overly humble manner, others are likely to assume it’s a facade you’re putting on so people will think more highly of you. For example, if people want to acknowledge your contributions or achievements, and you keep downplaying them, they’ll likely think you’re being falsely modest and seeking more praise, which can be terribly off-putting.
2. Hiding away from others’ attention might feel “safe”, but it’ll also hide you from potential opportunities.
We get it: a lot of people are uncomfortable when they’re in the spotlight, and would prefer to avoid it whenever possible. This can be caused by social anxiety or situations in the past that you found embarrassing or otherwise traumatic. But the problem with hiding away from ever being recognized or acknowledged is that it’s likely to hinder you from getting amazing opportunities that would enrich your life exponentially.
This could range from scholarships and job opportunities to truly wonderful friendships or romantic relationships. Sure, you may end up feeling “safer” when you’re hiding in the shadows, away from public eyes and scrutiny, but is that really how you want to live your life? Perpetually seeking the comfortable, banal option instead of embracing self-confidence and trying things that may change your life forever?
3. Bad mantras: your “self-talk” informs your reality.
Years ago, when I was at a festival, there was this dude who was teaching yoga and meditation in the chill-out area. In between asana poses, he was talking about the importance of positive self-talk because what a person says to themselves becomes their reality. The phrase he used is forever burned into my mind:
“What you hum, you become.”
It sounds cheesy, but it has a strong element of truth and is backed by science: what you speak into the universe becomes real, especially when you’re talking about yourself.
When you’re self-effacing, you’re diminishing yourself, believing that you don’t deserve praise or recognition, and essentially convincing yourself that it’s true. Then, on a subconscious level, you’ll take actions and make choices to manifest these mantras into your life.
4. It opens doors for others to mistreat you.
You’ve probably noticed that manipulative people don’t generally mistreat those who have a high degree of self-confidence. They prey on the weak, and when they come across someone who’s achingly shy, meek, and non-assertive, they see an opportunity to exploit them.
Additionally, not wanting to be in the spotlight in any way is a perfect opportunity for others to take credit for your work. Let’s say you contributed 90% to a group work project, but your colleagues take credit for all your research. They’re the ones who’ll get the accolades and rewards, while you fade into the background like a fuzzy grey curtain.
5. You’ll be more prone to mental and emotional illness.
The more you tell yourself that you’re undeserving, the more likely you are to develop things like anxiety, depression, chronic stress, and so on. Furthermore, if part of you feels that you’d like to be acknowledged for your achievements, but that part is overruled by your need to diminish yourself, you may feel internal conflict and sadness.
Essentially, you’re at war with your own nature, or how you’ve been raised. You might really want to be recognized for your hard work, have great career opportunities, or be appreciated by others, but you would feel immense guilt and shame if you were. This internal conflict can wreak havoc on your mental and emotional well-being if it isn’t addressed.
6. Your relationships are unlikely to be healthy ones.
Highly self-effacing people generally have little to no faith in their own capabilities. If you’re like this, and you feel like nothing you do is right, good enough, or worthy of acknowledgement, you may find yourself getting into unhealthy relationships with other people. For example, you may develop a co-dependency with another person who expects you to manage their needs and their life but doesn’t reciprocate.
Alternatively, you may end up with someone who dominates you and treats you like a child rather than an equal partner. Since you have so much difficulty setting boundaries, you won’t stand up to their mistreatment of you, and you might actually believe that you deserve it on some level.
7. You’ll alienate your coworkers.
If you’re constantly diminishing yourself in other people’s eyes, those you work with will either lose any confidence they had in you or fail to develop any. For example, if you’re constantly stepping back and allowing others to take credit instead of acknowledging your own contributions, your employers might believe you and question whether hiring you was a good idea.
Similarly, your colleagues won’t have much faith in your capabilities as an equal contributor, but will instead feel like they’ll need to carry you instead of relying on you to deliver.
Finally, if you have any subordinate staff members, they likely won’t respect you. How can they respect a person who doesn’t own their achievements? How can they be led by one who refuses to lead?
8. If you have children, they’ll learn from this behavior and adopt it themselves.
Kids generally don’t do as they’re told: they mimic what they observe. As such, if you’re highly self-effacing and shrink away from acknowledgement (and by extension, opportunity), your children are likely to grow up to do the same thing.
If you hope that your kids will grow up to be successful, self-fulfilled adults who love their lives and can take full advantage of the opportunities presented to them, you’ll need to be an example to them. Otherwise, they’ll grow up thinking that it’s not just normal to shrink back and turn down chances to truly live life to the fullest, but that it’s expected of them and the right thing to do.
Final thoughts…
If you’re from a culture that sees extreme humility as a virtue, it may be difficult to break free from the habit of behaving in this manner. Similarly, if those around you have led you to believe that you don’t deserve the accolades you’ve achieved, you may have trouble learning to step up and accept the fact that you’ve earned recognition for your efforts.
Hard though it may be, if you want to achieve great things in this lifetime, you’ll need to permit yourself to experience them, and that requires you to step into and acknowledge your own capabilities.
