Have you ever observed someone saying or doing something and wondered what on earth they went through as kids to make them that way? While many people had supportive, loving parents and caregivers who encouraged and supported them, others were not so fortunate.
If anyone in your social circle exhibits the traits listed here, there’s a good chance they were raised with criticism rather than kindness, and that experience left deep scars that may never heal.
1. They’re highly critical of others.
In the renowned and powerful poem Children Learn What They Live, by Dorothy Law Nolte, she mentions that children who live with criticism learn to condemn. This is because children learn by example, and will grow up emulating how their parents behave both towards and around them.
For instance, if a child hears their parents condemning other people’s body shapes behind their backs, they’ll be similarly critical towards others around them. Similarly, if a child is perpetually criticized by adults to “inspire them to do better”, they’ll likely do the same thing with their own children, as well as their partner, friends, and so on. They were taught that others were “only trying to help” and will often end up repeating unhealthy cycles of cruelty towards those they should be patient and loving towards instead.
2. They’re critical and punishing toward themselves.
Those who were highly criticized as kids often did everything they could to avoid further cruelty and condemnation. Experts advise that this commonly leads to extreme perfectionism across the board: in their studies, their work ethic, personal endeavors, and their appearance. Essentially, these people grow up to fear failure and become extremely self-critical. They believe that if they aren’t perfect, they’re a total failure who deserves contempt and possibly even punishment.
I grew up in an environment very much like this, and it hampered me greatly until my early 30s. The combination of eating disorders, obsessive workouts, and constant output at school and work led to a degree of burnout that defied description. The perfectionism I was programmed with didn’t recede until I moved to the forest and lived a slower, gentler life on my own terms.
3. They are creative.
Many people who were criticized and mistreated as children grow up to be intensely creative individuals. For many of them, creativity was their way of expressing all the difficult emotions that they weren’t “allowed” to have (or voice) when they were young. As a result, they may spend a significant amount of time drawing, painting, practicing musical instruments, or writing as a means of personal catharsis.
Some of the most creative people you’ll meet are those who faced intense criticism in their youth. In fact, many of your favorite actors, musicians, and writers were likely criticized and bullied by their families and peers alike. The mistreatment they experienced provided excellent inspiration for the work they’ve done later in life.
4. They’re hypervigilant about other people’s energy.
A lot of people who consider themselves to be “empaths” are actually hypervigilant as a means of self-preservation. They learned very early on to read another person’s body language, verbal responses, and behavior to pre-empt any issue that had the potential to harm them. For example, if they knew that their parents were behaving a certain way, a tirade of criticism and abuse was sure to follow.
As such, the hyper-attunement they developed allowed them to learn how to avoid — or manage — conflict, and regulate other people’s emotions. These people are often praised for being able to anticipate others’ needs and de-escalate issues, especially in the workplace or domestic environments.
5. Difficulty trusting or letting others get close.
Those who faced intense criticism as kids often develop an intense mistrust of others and, as a result, often become hyper-independent as a trauma response. Since the people who were closest to them were the ones who made their lives miserable, they aimed to distance themselves from people as often as possible. They became comfortable in their own company and extremely self-reliant: they couldn’t depend on anyone else (nor did they want them around), so they learned how to do everything themselves.
Because of this, they often have strained relationships in adulthood, whether with friends, colleagues, or romantic partners. They simply can’t let their guard down enough to let another “in” because they don’t want to deal with criticism and cruelty from those close to them ever again.
6. Overthinking and social anxiety.
More sensitive souls who were subjected to intense criticism often develop extreme social anxiety and a tendency to overthink. They’ll be crippled by worries about what others think of them, and may mentally replay even the most fleeting interactions years later.
They’re so crippled by fear about the possibility of experiencing criticism again that they panic at the thought of anyone judging them poorly. This leads some of them to isolate themselves from others. They’d rather be alone and lonely than risk criticism and condemnation again.
7. Avoidant coping strategies.
Those who were criticized a lot as kids often withdrew into themselves as an attempt to escape the awful emotions associated with being insulted, picked on, and perpetually asked what was wrong with them. As adults, they often utilize the same self-destructive coping mechanisms they cultivated as children, including (but not limited to):
- Substance abuse.
- Escapism: can be work-related (i.e., being a “workaholic” to keep busy), or revolve around entertainment, hobbies, etc.
- Social withdrawal: staying alone in bed all day.
- Disassociation/daydreaming.
- Wishful thinking: assuming things will “just work out” instead of taking action.
- Procrastination: setting aside tasks for later, then getting stressed out as imminent deadlines approach.
While these behaviors might have been effective when they were youngsters, they aren’t doing them any good once they reach adulthood. In fact, coping strategies like these don’t just harm the individual: they can also damage those around them. These behaviors may result in strained, unhealthy relationships, poor workplace performance, and all-around detriments to their personal lives.
8. An inability to accept praise or compliments.
Since these people mistrust others so deeply, they have difficulty accepting any praise or compliments from others. They learned early on that any compliment they received was either a precursor to a greater insult or a manipulation tactic. As a result, any kind words said to them are immediately met with mistrust.
If someone compliments them or praises them for something they’ve done well, they’ll immediately point out various flaws or why they don’t deserve any accolades. If they’re pushed to accept the praise (albeit grudgingly), they’ll be very guarded and defensive for a while, as though waiting for the inevitable shoe of criticism to drop on them.
9. Extreme protectiveness towards others.
While some people who were criticized as children become critical themselves as adults, others go completely the opposite way and become extremely protective towards others who are being put down or mocked. Essentially, they’ve chosen to become the champion that they needed when they were young, and they don’t hesitate to step in and stop mistreatment when they witness it.
Even those who are usually quite shy and reserved will tap into their inner strength to stand up for the ones being criticized unfairly. This isn’t limited to their close friends or other loved ones, either: you’ll often find them defending complete strangers as well, whether online or in person.
Final thoughts…
Many people don’t realize just how much damage is done when young people are criticized a lot during their formative years. Recent studies show that criticism from parents actually affects children’s brain and neurological development.
These kids grow into adults who can’t discern emotion in other people’s facial expressions and are prone to anxiety, depression, mistrust, and self-isolating habits. Parents should keep this in mind when interacting with their kids: “tough love” may help some adults change their ways for the better, but using this approach on children can have devastating, long-reaching effects instead.
