For people who have become accustomed to lies, the truth can often seem like complete lunacy. Similarly, those who have grown up in dysfunctional families have a baseline of toxicity as “normal”. As such, it often doesn’t occur to them that what they grew up with or experience on a regular basis is unhealthy.
The following signs of family dysfunction are often glossed over because, for many people, they’re all they’ve known, all their lives. Unfortunately, they’re glaring red flags that should be acknowledged, rather than overlooked — either unconsciously or intentionally.
1. Pranking (followed by invalidation).
Some families share “funny stories” about how they told the kids that they were taking them to Disneyland and took them to the doctor for vaccinations instead. Or how their kid had been looking forward to a particularly special holiday present, but they only gave them the empty box with toilet paper or garbage inside. Haha, wasn’t that funny? No, not particularly.
Even if they did give the disappointed child the toy afterwards, or bought the grieving kids ice cream later, these parents don’t seem to recognize that they permanently damaged their children’s trust in them.
Perhaps in the parents’ minds, it was “just a joke.” Something the kid would have laughed off if they’d had real character, but those parents are approaching the situation from an adult perspective. Not from the perspective of a child who doesn’t have the life experience or the coping skills to process it.
Worse still, some parents will then brush off the lasting mistrust as ridiculous, mocking the child for being too sensitive and “not being able to take a joke” well into adulthood. This is not a healthy dynamic. In fact, in many cases, it borders on emotional abuse.
2. Extreme adherence to tradition.
Years ago, I dated a guy whose family had a tradition about how the kids in their family were named: there were specific names given to the first and second sons, and all the daughters had the same middle name.
At one family gathering, I mentioned lightly that I wouldn’t be naming my kid(s) those things, and everyone went silent. The family patriarch made it abundantly clear that IF I joined their family, I would bloody well fall in line and obey tradition if I wanted to be allowed to raise my own children.
Funnily enough, I broke up with that guy shortly afterwards. While it’s sweet to have some family traditions, having others hold you to them so tyrannically, with threats of severe punishment for shirking them, goes beyond dysfunction to appallingly unhinged.
3. The response to a family member’s consistently poor behavior is “just ignore them.”
Maybe there’s an uncle who’s always making inappropriate comments about family members’ bodies, or an aunt who polices people’s food intake. Or perhaps there’s a cousin or sibling who is a muckraker and tries to stir up drama by sharing gossip they heard at the dinner table. But whatever it is they do, the response is invariably “Oh, that’s simply how they are — just ignore them”.
These individuals never face any consequences for their awful behavior, which gives them free rein to perpetuate it. Furthermore, if anyone does call them out on their bad behavior or doles out some well-deserved punishment, then it’s their behavior that’s considered inappropriate, and they’re made to apologize, rather than acknowledging that the accountability was a long time coming.
4. Unnecessary secrecy.
This may take the form of one of your parents giving you a significant amount of money and telling you not to inform the other one about it, or letting slip a secret your sibling told them in confidence with strict instructions not to let them know that they told you. It may also take the form of being forbidden to ask questions about certain family dynamics.
You only have to look at forums like Reddit to see how this plays out in families. With the advent of DNA testing, many people have been told by their parents in no uncertain terms that there would be consequences for getting that kind of testing done; that it would “blow up the family,” but without being told any reasons why.
In some cases, this secrecy comes from hiding infidelities and illegitimate offspring, whereas in others, truths about genetic lineage may arise that older relatives aren’t prepared to address.
5. Attempts at domination through mockery or humiliation.
Most people went through awkward stages during childhood or adolescence, during which time their extended family members may have mocked them and given them pet names that they thought were “cute,” but that were actually cruel.
For example, an overweight youngster might have been called “piggy” (especially if they dared to eat at family gatherings), while those with speech impediments or learning disabilities were saddled with similar, cruel monikers.
Once these individuals have either outgrown said awkwardness or made peace with their differences, family members may still see fit to call them by the nicknames they inflicted upon them in childhood.
The sentiment here is the older relatives trying to make themselves feel powerful by keeping someone else feeling small. These elders often try to keep younger relatives in their place for their own benefit by calling them these humiliating monikers under the pretense of just being playful.
6. Keeping score.
Hey, remember that time when you were seven and your aunt picked you up at school because you were sick, and your parents couldn’t leave work to go get you? Well, now it’s time to repay that kindness by planting a vegetable garden in her backyard. Oh, and remember how your sibling wasn’t able to go to summer camp that year because you got sick, and your medical bills took precedence? Well, now you owe them a personal sacrifice.
Keeping score is often normalized in family dynamics, when in reality it’s quite dysfunctional. Families are meant to support one another however they can, rather than keeping tabs on who owes what, by whom.
Of course, there should be natural reciprocity in relationships. But when the score is kept in this manner, every act of kindness feels like a carefully calculated move for the “givers’” eventual benefit, rather than sincere altruism towards supposed loved ones.
7. Achievements are met with dismissal or other dampening effects.
Some family members respond to the achievements of others by downplaying them in an attempt to “keep them humble.” As such, when someone announces their promotion at a family dinner, a relative might tell them not to let that get to their head or imply that they did a favor to earn it.
Similarly, when there’s a prospect for personal advancement or something else that’s positive and life-changing, it’ll be met with cautionary tales and the implication that they can’t handle it, rather than encouragement and support. Whilst this might be done under the guise of care, it’s often more about jealousy or control.
8. A lack of boundaries.
In some families, a parent might barge into their child’s room without knocking, embarrassing them when they’re in the process of changing clothes. They’ll then brush off their discomfort with the fact that they’re the parent and they’ve already seen everything. Or they’ll share some deeply intimate information that their kids are not old enough to handle under the guise of being open and honest. This is often accompanied by deep thanks because they’re the only ones this parent can truly trust, and they don’t know what they’d do without them. This isn’t normal; it’s parentification.
Many TV shows and movies use the trope of non-existent boundaries humorously, to the point where invading children’s privacy or shocking them with knowledge about affairs or other personal issues is seen as a big joke that everyone can relate to. In reality, this is deeply dysfunctional behavior, some of which experts advise can even venture into the realm of emotional incest.
Final thoughts…
Many of the signs on this list are summarily dismissed by those who recognize themselves as perpetrators of dysfunction and don’t want accountability for their actions. Any perceived wrongdoing on their part is the other person’s problem, of course. They’ll insist that the one bringing these issues to light can’t take a joke; that they’re making a big deal out of nothing, creating problems where there aren’t any, and so on.
Essentially, those who protest about being “attacked” by you bringing this dysfunction to light are the very ones perpetuating the toxicity, so take note and protect yourself accordingly.
