Most of us have been through situations that we would rather have declined than acquiesced to. While it’s sometimes inevitable that we’ll need to deal with something less-than-ideal, especially when it comes to work or family requests, it becomes an issue when we’re perpetually saying “yes” to things that we’d rather say “no” to. Especially if the agreement comes at a cost to our personal boundaries, peace of mind, or overall well-being.
Let’s take a look at some boundary-affirming strategies that can help you stop saying “yes” too often.
1. Stop the interaction before it can take root.
If you find yourself saying yes far too often, especially when you’re in social situations, plan an exit before you even attend. The same goes for things like phone calls, texts, and so on. Pre-plan a reason for you to avoid the issue and activate it as soon as you feel pressured into giving an answer that you don’t want to offer.
For example, if you’re getting phone calls or texts from someone who needs or wants you to do something for them, tell them that something’s burning on the stove and you’ll get back to them later. Alternatively, if you’re out and about and someone wants to talk to you about their latest pyramid scheme, you need to leave because the babysitter isn’t well and you need to get home, but you’ll talk soon.
Then don’t.
2. Change the subject, and close the door.
If you can see where a conversation is headed and you know you’re about to be asked to do something you really don’t care to do, then swiftly change the subject. Don’t just change the subject to something subtle either: say something completely out of left field or even moderately uncomfortable or shocking that’ll derail the question you were about to be asked.
Depending on what it is you’ve said, it might have done the trick of ending the conversation right then and there. If it doesn’t, and they try to side-step your distraction to get back on track with their boundary-overstepping demand of you, you can simply excuse yourself and walk away.
3. Use humor.
Being playful can save you a lot of time in these situations, especially if you playfully call them out on the douchebaggery that they’re inevitably trying. For example, if your boss wants you to do some extra work, you can laugh and say something like “Oh, Paul… trying to get me to do unpaid overtime, are you? Tee hee, you’d better pay me time and a half if you’d like me to do this — and I need that in writing.”
You can also use this approach to say “no” quite vehemently, while still being humorous about it.
For example, when my partner was asked to attend a particular function (which she had emphatically refused the invitation for previously), she responded by reminding them that she had declined and she’d rather give birth to a chair than attend, but would be happy to send a gift in lieu. Saying something like that has the same shocking effect as in point #2, making them sublimely uncomfortable while offering them an alternative solution.
4. Remind them of your previous answer — forcefully, if necessary.
Sometimes, when you’ve already said “no” to a request (or a demand), people think they can change your mind by coming at you from a different direction. If the direct route didn’t work, they might try a guilt trip or some other type of coercion. Essentially, they’re trying to wear you down so you’ll finally acquiesce, like kids on a car trip asking parents for ice cream repeatedly until they finally cave.
I’ve found that asking them something like “What was my answer the last time you asked?” is a good reminder, though they’ll inevitably say something like “I know, but…”.
But nothing. Keep reminding them of what your previous response was, even if you need to use other languages or hand-drawn graphs, until they get the message.
5. Don’t allow them to leverage their hardships.
Many people try to get others to do what they want through weaponized victimhood. You might not want to do X thing for them at all, and they’ll immediately go on about how much they’re suffering, how unfair everything is, how it’s no big deal for you to do the thing, and so on. They try to leverage their hardships to manipulate others into performing to their whims, but don’t let them.
Everyone has their cross to bear, and people don’t get to twist others to their whim because they’re dealing with difficulty. Call them out on this behavior, and make it clear that it’s not okay. If they come back with “but that’s just the way I am”, e.g., about a personality disorder or mental health issue, you can respond with “and this is just the way I AM”, and leave it at that.
6. Reflect on whether these individuals ever reciprocate.
If you find it hard to say no when people ask things of you, take the time to think about how often they’ve done nice or useful things for you in turn. If you’re saying yes when you want to say no, there’s a good chance that this person has done very little for you over the course of your relationship and doesn’t plan on starting anytime soon.
Knowing that this person is taking advantage of you should bolster your resolve to be more confident in saying “no” when asked. If they try to convince you otherwise, or ask why you’re suddenly being cold instead of as generous as you previously were, ask them what they’ve done for you lately other than use you to their advantage. That usually works well to make them realize that they’ve been selfishly using you.
7. Ask them to explain their intentions.
If the person in question is fully aware of your personal boundaries and keeps asking you for things that disrespect those boundaries, ask them outright what they hope to achieve by overstepping the boundary that you’ve established. This puts them firmly on the back foot and lets everyone (with any social sense) know you’re not having it.
Here’s an example: my partner changed her name legally when she was in her 20s, but her biological family refused to respect that change. They insisted that they should keep calling her by the name they gave her, despite her reiterating that said behavior was unacceptable to her.
When she asked them outright what they hoped to achieve by doing this, they stammered and had to admit that it was because they felt slighted. They had chosen her previous name and wanted to re-establish their status over her by continuing to use it. Since they refused to respect this boundary, she had to create distance between them for her own well-being.
Final thoughts…
When it comes to personal boundaries, every individual needs to be prepared to fight to defend their own. Others may help to protect their boundaries too, but the onus is invariably on each person.
If you allow others to transgress without any consequences for their actions, you’re the one who will end up suffering — perpetually agreeing to things you don’t want to do for the sake of keeping the peace and not upsetting anyone. Except someone is getting upset in these situations: you. Use these strategies to affirm your boundaries and tolerate no egress. Ever.
