Overcommitment is a complex issue where many factors can contribute. It’s an issue that can undermine relationships, build resentment, and cause you to feel like you’re not enough. Emotionally healthy people who respect your boundaries don’t want to overtax you. They will typically want to know and understand your boundaries so they can be respectful of them, but they can’t respect your boundaries if you don’t set or enforce them.
So why are you saying yes when you really mean no? Let’s explore the reasons why you may be overcommitting.
1. A desire for approval and validation.
Saying yes can feel like a shortcut to feeling desired, accepted, or admired. For people-pleasers, external validation will typically outweigh their own needs. They instinctively say yes because they want the approval that comes from doing something for another person. It may make them feel better about themselves if their self-worth is low.
The problem is that external validation relies on other people’s approval. That means that you have to do what makes them happy, rather than what you want to do or what you feel is right. It’s far more important for you to make your choices for yourself and choose what you do because that’s what makes you happy.
People with low self-esteem often feel like they need to provide something to be worthy of value, care, or love. They say yes when they mean no because they’re hoping to feel loved.
2. Fear of disappointing others.
We often equate no with disappointing someone. That fear is so much stronger if you tie your self-worth to being seen as reliable, helpful, or likable. It’s easy to think that the person might value you less if you don’t agree to what they want or do as they say. But if someone makes you feel that way, they aren’t a good person to be around.
A person who genuinely cares about you isn’t going to hold it against you long-term if you say no. It may be something you’ve experienced often if you have abusive or emotionally absent parents.
The healthy thing to do when someone says no is to accept it and then get on with your life. You don’t hold a grudge over it or use it as a weapon to hurt the other person with. If someone makes you feel bad for saying “no,” they aren’t someone you should be around.
3. Avoidance of conflict.
Saying no is likely to cause disagreement, awkwardness, or tension. There are a lot of people who say yes because they fear the discomfort of confrontation and want to avoid it. They have weaker boundaries that they don’t enforce well, so other people will tend to take advantage of that. If manipulators know that they can just push until you’re uncomfortable, that’s what they’ll do if you can’t stand up for yourself.
There will always be conflict between people. Sometimes, your actions brush up against boundaries, or vice versa, and conflict will happen. That doesn’t mean it has to be angry or a shouting match, but rather, just that there will be a difference of opinion that needs to be respected.
4. Guilt and obligation.
As Psyche shares, guilt is a common tool that people with a low sense of self-worth most often use to tear themselves down. Guilt tripping is also a convenient weapon for the manipulative who want to take advantage of weak boundaries to get what they want out of other people.
Some people have been convinced that having boundaries means they are selfish, lazy, or ungrateful. People-pleasers do this to an extent where it harms their life in some way. Maybe they have no free time, or they’re someone’s unpaid therapist because they won’t say no.
You’re not selfish for having boundaries. It’s okay. If they’re disappointed in you for that, then they likely aren’t worth listening to.
5. Overestimating your future capacity.
The Society for Personality and Social Psychology tells us that people fall into a trap that psychologists refer to as “planning fallacy.” That is, you believe you’ll have more time, energy, or motivation to do a thing at a later date than you think you will. It’s a common thing to happen. Who hasn’t thought they’d have more time or energy to do something later and procrastinated?
And while that isn’t necessarily harmful in small amounts, a regular habit can leave you stressed out and anxious. It can cause you to feel like you’re constantly behind, because there’s always something you need to do ahead of you.
It’s also harder to enjoy the present when you know you have things to do. You may not be actively thinking about it, but your subconscious is certainly wondering if it’s time to do the thing, yet? It’s coming up, isn’t it? Is it now? Is it an hour? Oh, let me go check!
6. Difficulty recognizing your own boundaries.
Sometimes it’s not about others. At times, it may be more that you have lost sight of your own boundaries. It isn’t that you can’t say no or don’t want to say no; it’s more than you may not be able to recognize when saying yes would be harmful to you. Alternatively, it could just be a habit that you’re in, so you say yes to a particular person when asked.
That can also happen if you don’t have concrete boundaries that you understand well. How can you enforce them if you aren’t fully aware of what you are willing to accept or not?
7. Fear of vulnerability.
Sometimes people are agreeable because they don’t want to reveal something about themselves. In my own journey, I had to confront the toxic masculinity that I grew up with. Not that I grew up around bad role models, just that it’s a much different time now than it was then, for the better.
Personally, I would reflexively agree to things because I thought it was weak to say no or to turn down someone’s request to take care of myself instead. Sure, my brain was in the darkest pits of bipolar depression at the time, but I would absolutely say yes because I viewed that as a much better option than anyone knowing what was going on inside of me.
That’s not a good way to live or be. It’s certainly not a good way to be emotionally healthy or well-balanced either. In fact, it just caused a whole lot of unnecessary problems in my relationships because I also resented the fact that I didn’t feel like I could be vulnerable. Toxic masculinity is stupid.
Final thoughts…
It’s okay to say no. It’s not so simple to say that anyone you say no to who takes it badly doesn’t care about you. That’s probably not true. People are far from perfect, and you will undoubtedly experience pushback when you start saying no and enforcing your boundaries. That’s okay. Let them.
You’ll find that some people draw closer, and some will fall away. That’s okay, too. It’s all part of the process. Let the people who fall away go, because they’re making room for people who will honor and respect your boundaries instead.
