As a parent, there are countless times when I’ve felt like I’m failing. Every moment I lost my temper, worked late instead of playing with my kids, or simply made the wrong choice. But what about when your kids themselves seem intent on reminding you how you got it wrong? Perhaps they outright blame you for their problems. Maybe they’ve told you exactly what you did wrong. Or perhaps their silence and the distance between you speak volumes.
Either way, the message is: you failed them.
But did you really? If you care enough to read this, there’s a good chance you were a decent parent who didn’t intentionally hurt your kids, and you could probably do with remembering these 8 things:
1. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time.
As the saying goes, “You don’t know what you don’t know.” So if you lie awake judging yourself for the mistakes of your past, particularly if your adult child likes to keep them fresh in your memory, remember this: you were operating with the knowledge, resources, and emotional capacity you had in that moment. We judge our past selves with today’s wisdom, forgetting that parenting advice has done a complete 180 over the decades.
The same “experts” who once insisted babies sleep on their stomachs now tell us the opposite. Parents were told not to spoil children with too much affection, then later advised that connection was everything. When I grew up, it was standard procedure to be smacked into compliance, which now seems like an insane way to teach a child to manage their emotions and behavior.
You made decisions based on what felt right at the time, often while juggling work stress, financial pressure, social norms, and your own unhealed wounds from childhood. That exhausted parent doing their best deserves compassion, not criticism.
2. Their criticism might be their way of processing their own struggles.
When adult children blame their parents for current problems, they’re sometimes avoiding the harder work of taking responsibility for their own growth and healing. It’s more comfortable to point backward than to look forward and ask, “What can I do differently now?”
This doesn’t mean their feelings aren’t valid—childhood experiences absolutely shape us. But if someone is stuck in victim mode, constantly rehashing old grievances without moving toward solutions, they might be using blame to avoid personal accountability. For example, a child who attributes every relationship failure to their parents’ divorce is likely avoiding examining their own patterns. After all, how likely is it that they really have zero control over their behavior?
It’s definitely worth remembering that sometimes the harshest critics are those struggling most with accepting their own imperfections and adult responsibilities.
3. Every generation judges the one before (and it’s normal).
Your parents probably did things you swore you’d never do with your own children. I know mine did. Now your children are doing the same thing to you, and someday their children will judge their parenting choices. This pattern has repeated throughout history—each generation thinks they’re improving on the last one’s mistakes.
This criticism, while painful, actually represents healthy separation and individuation. Young adults often need to find fault with their parents as part of becoming their own person. It’s easier to blame previous generations than to take full responsibility for adult challenges. The same child who criticizes your parenting might defend it fiercely when their own children question their methods. Time and perspective often soften these harsh judgments, especially when people become parents themselves.
4. Parenting “mistakes” often teach resilience and problem-solving.
Yes, some experiences do leave lasting wounds that require healing—divorce can create trust issues, financial stress can breed anxiety, and conflict can affect how someone handles relationships.
But for all the “negative” traits that can stem from these experiences, there will also be some valuable lessons. The times you had to work late may have taught them independence and creativity as they had to learn to amuse themselves. If money troubles were an issue, they may have discovered resourcefulness and the value of working for things. The one who saw their parent struggle with life and pick themselves back up learned that failure isn’t permanent.
What matters most is how you handled the recovery from these mistakes, showed love through difficulty, and modeled resilience in the aftermath. Perfect childhoods simply don’t exist, and children who never face any adversity often struggle more when real life eventually hits them with challenges you can’t cushion.
5. Your relationship with them now matters more than past mistakes.
Some parents become so consumed with past guilt that they miss opportunities to build something better in the present moment. Of course, sometimes it’s hard not to dwell on these “failures” if your adult child keeps bringing them up.
You cannot change the past. The key thing to do now is to move forward and focus on your relationship as it is today.
This means learning when to acknowledge their feelings without drowning in endless apologies. You might say, “I hear that you were hurt by that, and I’m sorry” without launching into a detailed defense or repeatedly rehashing the same old wounds. If they continue bringing up past grievances to hurt or manipulate you, it’s okay to set boundaries: “We’ve talked about this before. I’ve acknowledged my mistakes, but I won’t keep going over the past.”
Focus on showing up consistently now—call when you say you will, listen without immediately offering solutions, and engage with who they are today rather than who you remember them being at fifteen. Often, the best repair work happens through small, consistent actions rather than grand gestures or dramatic conversations about the past.
6. Their current struggles are not a direct reflection of your parenting.
Here is the reality: two children can grow up in the exact same house with the exact same parents and turn out completely different. One might be thriving while the other battles addiction, depression, or simply makes choices that baffle you. This doesn’t mean you loved one more than the other or that you somehow succeeded with one child and failed with another.
Yes, our formative years do play a significant role in how we develop, but assuming you weren’t an abusive parent, there are countless other factors at play, not to mention the small matter of personal agency.
Mental health issues, learning differences, neurodivergence, personality traits, and even birth order play massive roles in how someone develops. Your sensitive child might have been affected by things that rolled off their sibling’s back. Your reckless child might simply be predisposed to impulsivity.
Yes, you shaped them in a big way, but as grown adults with their own thoughts and free will, they also need to take responsibility for their own lives.
7. They needed you to be human, not perfect.
Social media has created a generation of parents who think they need to be flawless, but children actually benefit from seeing their parents struggle, make mistakes, and figure things out.
For example, if you lost your temper and then apologized, you modeled how to handle anger inappropriately and then make it right. If you cried during your divorce, you showed them that emotions are normal and that adults don’t have everything figured out.
The pressure to be a perfect parent creates anxious, perfectionistic children who think they should never struggle or fail. Your humanity—including your flaws—gives them permission to be imperfect too.
8. Love is always more important than getting everything “right.”
Research consistently shows that children who feel loved and valued generally have better outcomes, regardless of specific parenting techniques. The parent who used the “wrong” discipline method but showed consistent affection often raises more secure adults than technically perfect but emotionally distant parents.
You might have been too strict or too lenient, too involved or too hands-off. But if your children knew they mattered to you—if they felt your love even when they disappointed you—that foundation matters more than whether you handled every situation perfectly.
Love doesn’t guarantee easy adult relationships or problem-free children, but it provides a bedrock of security that helps people weather life’s inevitable storms.
Final thoughts…
You raised human beings with their own minds, struggles, and paths to walk. Their choices—good and challenging—belong to them now. Your worth wasn’t determined by their success at school, and it isn’t determined by their adult decisions either. You are not a failure of a parent. Cut yourself some slack and give yourself the same grace you’d offer a friend facing similar struggles.
