People with high emotional intelligence aren’t just aware of why they feel the way they do, but also how their actions affect others. As such, they know how to regulate their emotions both for their own benefit and to avoid potentially harming their relationships.
In contrast, those with low emotional intelligence tend to be quite volatile and will lash out in an immature fashion if they feel slighted. Furthermore, if their parents don’t behave the way they’d prefer, not only are they prone to throwing tantrums, they may seek to hurt and punish their parents with phrases like these.
1. “It’s all your fault that my life is such a mess.”
Life isn’t always easy, and when an emotionally unintelligent adult child comes across a situation that they dislike or don’t want to deal with, they might try to blame their parents for it rather than take any responsibility for how and why they ended up there. They don’t like this experience, they find it unpleasant, and feel that they’re completely justified in foisting the responsibility for their misery onto their parents.
Adult parents end up feeling hurt by this type of accusation because most of them feel like they were never good enough for their kids. They might feel guilt for not being able to afford a better education for them or because they lost their tempers after weeks without decent sleep, and so on. As a result, telling a parent that everything wrong in their life is somehow that parent’s fault can be truly devastating.
2. “I wish I hadn’t been born into this family.”
Grown children who know that their parents are emotionally sensitive and very attached to the idea of a close-knit family may try to cause pain by telling them that they wish they’d never been born into the family. Psychologist and parent coach Dr Jeffrey Bernstein says that by using guilt-tripping statements like this, they’re trying to cause as much pain as possible, and they know which buttons to push to get what they want.
Case in point: I have an acquaintance whose 20-year-old son doesn’t want to do anything but play games and eat the food that his parents prepare. He’s halfheartedly going to trade school, but gets sullen and resentful if he’s asked to do the most basic of chores. He’ll often say things like “I wish you had aborted me” or “I wish I’d never been born” in an attempt to punish his parents for making him do things he doesn’t like. And since his mother is incredibly sensitive, she’ll cry and then try to earn his love back by taking on his chores and cooking his favorite foods.
3. “I don’t love you.”
This is one of the most horrible things that someone could say to their parents, and is used to cause the most damage possible. Grown children who feel infantilized or disrespected may pull this card because they know how powerful it’ll be. Quite simply, if they feel that they don’t have power in that particular situation — especially if they’re intimidated by their parents and don’t feel that they can stand up to them — at least they can do something to hurt them.
That’s their power.
They rarely, if ever, mean it, of course, but they say it because it’s the only weapon they have in their arsenal. It doesn’t occur to them that they may be causing irreparable harm in their relationship with their parents: all that matters to them in that moment is that they can gain ground the only way they can, and if they cause injury, that’s their victory. They don’t think of anything that’ll happen beyond that moment, or how their words may come back to haunt them.
4. “You’re just old and out of touch.”
This is another hurtful phrase that a grown child who’s still on the younger end of the spectrum (e.g., early to mid twenties) might use when they feel stupid or out of control in their own life.
For example, if they do something that’s incredibly dumb and their parent is giving them a hard time about it, they might pull the “out of touch” card the next time that parent asks for their help with something, especially if they know that their parent is particularly self-conscious about their weakness in that area.
Oh, so now they’re the one who doesn’t know how to do something properly? Well, it’s because they’re old, out of touch, and incompetent: maybe they should let the seven-year-old across the hall teach them how to do it, etc.
5. “I would rather die than be anything like you.”
One of the worst things a parent can hear from their child is that they despise them so much that they don’t want to be anything like them. A parent who has worked tirelessly and made a ton of sacrifices for their child would be devastated to hear something like this, especially if they missed out on incredible opportunities for the sake of their kid’s happiness.
It’s rare for people to want to follow in their parents’ exact footsteps, unless they happen to be chips off the old block and are naturally predisposed to similar pursuits. But it’s heartbreaking when someone has worked hard all their life to achieve something great, only to receive nothing but contempt and condemnation from the child they poured all their life and effort into.
6. “I don’t care about you enough to hate you.”
This is another power play phrase, and is often used when the parent is seeking to control or punish the child, even once they’ve hit adulthood. Not everyone was blessed enough to have a kind, loving family, and a person’s parents could very well have been atrocious towards them when they were young.
As such, when and if their parents give them a hard time when they’re fully grown, it’s time to turn things around and punish those parents with all the pent-up anger and resentment they feel. Even worse than saying that they hate them or don’t love them is to show that those parents are so insignificant to them that they don’t even merit a shred of hatred.
7. “I don’t know what (insert other parent’s name) ever saw in you.”
If a grown child knows that their parent is feeling insecure about their appearance or capability, they might use that as ammunition against them when and if they get angry with them in the future.
For example, let’s say the parents are divorced and the adult child gets upset at one of the parents for calling them out on inappropriate behavior or a stupid decision they made. Said adult child might sneer at them and imply that their other parent must have been blind or an idiot to ever get together with them. This approach is especially cruel if infidelity was a contributing factor to the split.
8. “I want a DNA test: there’s no way I could be related to someone as stupid as you.”
An emotionally unintelligent phrase like this might be used when parents have differing values and opinions from their adult child. Rather than acknowledging or respecting the validity of differing perspectives, the emotionally unintelligent adult child will firmly believe that their stance is the only “right” or “true” one, and insist that if their parents disagree, then they’re just too stupid to share DNA with.
Let’s say one of their parents is an evolutionary biologist who disagrees with their grown child about some of their societal beliefs and principles. Even though the parent has very valid perspectives, the adult child may seek to diminish their views because of their anger and insecurity about the topic. They mistake perceived truth for absolute truth, and are so uncomfortable with views that challenge their stance that they have to attack them for being ignorant or “toxic”.
Final thoughts…
No family is issue-free, but all of those issues can be worked through if all the people involved can agree to treat each other with compassion, respect, and basic decency. When emotions run high, they can take distance from each other to let the flames simmer down a bit, and then discuss things like loving family members instead of enemies.
Developing emotional intelligence benefits every relationship we have, and the one we share with our parents is no exception. Lashing out at a parent and trying to cause as much hurt as possible might feel like a temporary victory, but any relationship, even a parent-child one, can be damaged beyond repair.
