We have all been shaped by the conditioning we experienced when we were younger. This is why those of us who had a narcissistic parent may still find our actions, choices, and interests influenced by that parent’s cruelty, even long after they’ve exited this world. Their “guidance” became our second nature.
If your narcissist parent has passed on, but you still feel that their influence casts a pall over your life, here are seven things you can do to break free from it.
1. Record over their “voice.”
Several years ago, a therapist told me that the first reaction you have to any given situation is how you’ve been programmed. And the second response you have after thinking about it and determining what to do next is your own personality trying to assert itself. As such, it’s a good idea to examine your immediate responses to experiences in your life, and determine whether it’s your own, or your narcissist parent’s “voice” echoing in your mind.
If it’s the latter, take a moment to mentally tell that voice that what they’re saying is untrue, inappropriate, etc. Then mentally record over it with a new response, and keep repeating that approach until their voice fades away permanently. Over time, you’ll stop responding the way that they would, and your own personality will assert itself as the dominant one.
2. Create the closure you never experienced when they were alive.
It’s nice to think that the issues people have with their narcissistic parent will magically disappear as soon as that parent dies, but this is rarely the case. In fact, sometimes the issues will get worse because those issues were never resolved. The lack of closure means that the gaping wounds they left behind may be even more difficult to heal.
The way to deal with this is to create the closure that you weren’t able to get when they were still around. One effective method is to write a goodbye letter that encompasses how you feel about the hurt they caused, and why you’re choosing to sever ties with them, and then “send” it by burying it with them.
Alternatively, if they’ve been dead for a while, you can send an email to their old address, record a goodbye message on their voicemail, or even bury that letter in your own yard. Creating this kind of closure puts control and power back in your hands, reinstating what they had taken and kept from you for so long.
3. Stand up to your inner critic.
Those who were raised with a narcissistic parent are often terribly self-critical. As a result, you may find yourself instinctively naysaying or insulting anything that you’re interested in pursuing. If you’re interested in going back to school, for example, that inner critic might immediately tell you that you aren’t smart enough to do so. Or if you fall in love with an item of clothing, that critical voice may inform you that it’ll look terrible on you.
You’re a powerful force to be reckoned with now, not a vulnerable child being stomped upon by a bully in a parent suit. As such, if and when this inner critic says something awful to you, you can either ask it to explain itself (which it can’t) or simply tell it to shut up and go away.
The phrase “you have no power over me” is ideal for situations like this.
4. Prioritize everything they put down or forbade.
Some people were so controlled by their narcissistic parent when they were alive that those controls persist long after that parent is in the grave. For example, if there were foods you enjoyed when you were younger, but your narcissist parent forbade them or body-shamed and insulted you when you ate them, then you likely stop yourself from enjoying them now.
Make a point of not just getting this item, but enjoying it in a ritual of self-love and self-kindness. Treat yourself as you would a child who’s had their joy withheld from them, and make the experience so special that it overwrites the awful programming you were raised with.
5. Build up your personal strength and power.
Narcissistic parents thrive on the power they have over their children. Even after their kids reach adulthood, they’ll treat them as though they’re still small: silencing them, hitting them, and trying to keep them in a position where they feel weak and powerless. This may have extended into other aspects of your life, making you feel small and weak in general — unable to stand up for yourself, establish healthy boundaries, or even speak up when being mistreated.
The way to counteract this is by building up your personal power. Go somewhere you can either yell or sing at the top of your lungs so you reclaim your voice. Start weight training so you can feel the strength in your own limbs. Start saying “no” instead of “yes” or calling out people when they behave badly towards you. The one who hurt you can’t do so anymore, so don’t let them control you or put you down from the grave.
6. Allow yourself to feel the emotions you’ve always been denied.
Many narcissistic parents forbid their children from expressing any emotion that they don’t want to deal with. For example, they may invalidate their children’s tears when hurt and tell them to shut up or they’ll “give them something to cry about”. Similarly, they may not be allowed to express anger, disappointment, or anything other than complete appreciation and praise for their narcissistic abuser.
To break free from this influence, make the choice to allow yourself to feel whatever emotions rise up in you, instead of tamping them down or invalidating yourself. Are you angry at someone’s mistreatment of you? Great! Feel that feeling and express it, even if it’s writing it all out on paper. Are you devastated by disappointment? Your feelings are completely valid, so go ahead and cry or punch a pillow if you need to.
You have full permission to feel and express your emotions as needed.
7. Do some journaling to find out who you are, away from their influence.
Narcissistic parents try to shape their children into versions that they like best. As a result, those children grow up not really knowing who they are outside of their parent’s influence. They don’t know their own likes, dislikes, interests, or perspectives, because all of their actions are curated in a way that will keep their narcissist happy — and by extension, slightly less abusive towards them.
As such, one of the best things you can do to break free from their influence is to find out who you are. There are a lot of fill-in-the-blank journals out there that are full of prompts about your interests, likes, dislikes, and so on, and you can also sign up for daily journaling prompts with a number of different websites or social media accounts.
Final thoughts…
It may take some time for your mind and soul to realize that the person who tormented you is dead and gone and can’t control you anymore. It’s rather like when an abused pet is suddenly allowed off the chain that has held them in a small space for their entire life.
Initially, they’ll keep behaving the same way they did when they were constrained, until they finally realize that they’re free to run and play at will. Consistency is key, so keep showing up for yourself with kindness and support, and their influence will keep falling away.
