Most of us know at least one person who insists that they always end up with jerks in their lives. They perpetually repeat the same cycles and seem to deal with the same issues in their social circles over and over again.
The key here is to be aware of the warning signs that people you don’t want around will exhibit. That way, you can recognize them and run away, throwing caltrops over your shoulder so they can’t follow. Here are the 7 biggest red flags to keep an eye out for:
1. Hesitance to share personal information with you.
It’s perfectly normal for complete strangers to be cautious about whom they share personal information with. I know I do, and it’s usually prudent to do this until you’ve established that a person can be trusted with the info you give them. That said, there’s a huge difference between not being an open book immediately and never sharing any personal info with others.
It’s very suspicious when you’ve known someone for quite a while, but you don’t know many (or any) personal details about their lives. I’ll sometimes see posts on Reddit or similar where people are saying they have no idea what their significant other does for a living, even though they’ve been dating for years (?!). Or that they don’t know if their best friend is married, has kids, etc. If a person you’ve known for some time now redirects the conversation any time you ask something personal, that’s a big red flag.
2. Pushiness about spending too much time together too quickly.
When you really connect with a new person, it’s a joy to get to know them. Furthermore, if this amazing new person you’re establishing a rapport with — either platonically or romantically — seems just as enthused about you, and wants to spend as much time together as possible, that can seem incredibly flattering. After all, they must think you’re awesome if they’re so eager to hang out with you all the time, right?
Not so much, no. In reality, this kind of love-bombing behavior is a massive marinara flag. This person is either love-bombing you to force closeness or has anxious attachment issues and doesn’t understand the meaning of healthy personal boundaries. It’s also a red flag if they respond with hostility when you turn down their invitations or maintain that you need personal space.
3. Their life is always a mess.
Just about all of us know people whose lives are never-ending cesspits of drama and despair. Either they’re unemployed and broke, or in trouble for punching someone’s pet camel while intoxicated, or they fell down a well and shattered their everything, etc.
While you may feel compassion for people who can’t seem to “human” in any way, shape, or form, it’s important to be aware that letting them into your life will open doors for all their personal issues as well.
It’s very kind of you to show them compassion, but you don’t want them showing up at your door at 3 a.m., or calling you to bring their bug-out bag to their hiding spot behind the local donut shop because of Reasons.
4. They constantly talk about how crazy their exes or family members are.
Many of us have at least one unstable ex in our lives, but we can also acknowledge our own missteps and contributions to relationship failure. It’s beyond arrogant to behave as though every failure is everyone else’s fault and that we’ve never transgressed, nor hurt anyone (accidentally or otherwise).
Watch out for people who have numerous “crazy” exes or family members, and who insist that every bad relationship they have in their life is due to someone else’s poor behavior or instability. That’s a massive red flag that tells you that not only do they refuse accountability for their own contributions, but they invalidate others’ perspectives and experiences as well.
5. Immediate eagerness to benefit from you somehow.
Some people collect others specifically to use as tools, rather than to establish rapport with them as valued community members. It makes me think of the phrase “I have a use for you”, which Tom Hardy’s character often said in the Taboo series.
Be wary of those who are excited to get to know you because of what you can do for them, because you’ll just end up being used and discarded. Or worse: used and kept around at their convenience. Maybe they’ll ask for your work discount for projects they’re doing, or for an introduction to someone you know because of the doors that can be opened for them. They don’t offer any sort of reciprocity because to them, you’re nothing more than a stepping stone.
6. Abusive behavior under the guise of “just jokes.”
This is one of the worst red flags to come across, but most people ignore it, explain it away, or brush it off as oversensitivity or overreaction. A person who’s abusive or cruel to you (or others) for their own amusement, and then brushes off their awful actions as “just a joke”, isn’t someone you want to have in your life. This type of behavior only gets worse over time, especially if nobody holds them accountable for how poorly they treat others.
People like this learned that they can get away with whatever they want if they explain it away as a “joke” and make fun of those they’ve hurt for being babies or not having a sense of humor. They put the onus on their victims to be a “good sport” and laugh at those who point out that they aren’t being funny, or that their actions are completely inappropriate.
They don’t grow up, and they won’t ever change their ways, so the best approach is to sever any tendrils they send out before they have a chance to establish a foothold in your life.
7. Red flags that come from within.
While you’re keeping an eye out for red flags in other people, it’s also important to recognize red flag behavior within yourself. Essentially, if you’ve been perpetuating self-defeating or self-destructive behavior, make a conscious decision to rectify it rather than expecting it to change on its own.
For example, let’s say you’ve had bad experiences after sleeping with people the same night you met them because you didn’t take the time to get to know them first. The key is to stop doing that instead of hoping that the next person you bring home will be a green flag rather than a red one.
It’s also important to remember that things that are wrong or unhealthy to you may not be universally wrong. Basically, a person who may be a negative influence in your own life may be incredibly beneficial to someone else. The key is to surround yourself with people who resonate in the best way for you, rather than trying to fit into a discordant social group and insisting that it’s everyone else’s fault for not being harmonious with your needs.
Final thoughts…
Just as important as being aware of these red flags is determining why you keep being drawn to them. Do they seem familiar to you because of your past experiences, and are therefore comfortable? Or are you eager to prove your worth by being chosen by the type of person who has mistreated you in the past?
Once you’ve figured out why you seem to keep attracting the wrong types of people into your life, you can work on establishing and protecting healthy boundaries to keep them at bay.
