We see a lot of victim-blaming on social media these days, especially when it comes to abuse in relationships. Women, in particular, bear the brunt of people’s ire if it turns out that they had been abused for years, but hadn’t left. “If she were smart, she would have left him years ago” is the general consensus.
The problem with this line of thinking is that just because someone is intelligent, it doesn’t mean they’re immune to abuse. In fact, there may be several reasons why some of the brightest women you know have stayed in unhealthy, abusive situations.
1. Low self-esteem.
A woman may be absolutely brilliant, but that doesn’t mean she has high self-esteem. This is particularly true if those who raised her were constantly putting her down, insulting her appearance, implying that she was never good enough, and so on. She might have multiple degrees, can speak several languages, and a wildly successful career, but thinks poorly of herself and is perpetually seeking external validation.
Women like this often end up (and stay) in emotionally abusive relationships because others take advantage of their vulnerability and people-pleasing tendencies. Furthermore, any time the woman thinks about leaving — or threatens to do so — her abusive partner will try to make her feel that she’s nothing without them. They’ll imply that she’ll fail, or that nobody else will ever want her. Essentially, they’ll use her greatest insecurities against her to make her stay.
2. Isolation from friends and family.
A lot of people remain on their best behavior until they have their spouse or partner “locked in” to a place where it’s difficult for them to leave. One of the most common ways that they’ll do this is to isolate their partner from friends and family — often by moving them far away, but also by alienating them, causing rifts, etc.
This often happens incrementally, when the partner in question is feeling vulnerable or is otherwise more easily malleable. Examples of this may include pregnancy, protracted illness, job loss, and so on. Many intelligent women have kicked themselves for not having seen the massive red flags in their relationship before they were moved thousands of miles from loved ones by a spouse who ended up abusing them horribly.
3. Hypersensitive empathy.
Some women stay with their abusers because they feel so sorry for them that they can’t bear to leave. They gloss over the abuse and explain it away with excuses about how much their partner suffered when they were younger; that they can’t help themselves; that it would destroy their partner if they left, and they’ve made so much progress already, etc.
In some cases, the abusive partner has even threatened to harm themselves if they leave them. I’ve known far too many empaths who have remained with abusive, manipulative spouses because they couldn’t live with themselves if their partners did anything drastic, and leveled the blame in their direction. It’s a common scenario, according to Psychology Today.
It took my mother nearly 20 years to finally leave my abusive father, and when he ended his life, the note he left made it abundantly clear that he blamed her for his actions. She and I are estranged, but from what I’ve heard, she never got over that.
4. Sunk cost fallacy
Sometimes, abuse arises after the relationship has been going strong for several years. As a result, some women feel like it’s “too late” for them to leave: that they’re too old, too worn down, or too dependent to end the relationship at this point.
Even though they’re fiercely intelligent, they stay because they feel that the cost of leaving will be too high a price compared to the cost required to stay. They don’t have it in them to deal with divorce proceedings, child custody hearings, the stress of having to work and take care of kids, and/or elderly parents. Or they feel that they’ve simply invested too much time and effort into this partnership to leave now and have nothing to show for it.
5. Fear of judgment.
Shame is an intensely powerful motivator, and many women stay in emotionally abusive relationships because they’re terrified of what people might think of them (or say about them) if they leave.
In their minds, abuse is only valid if they’re seen with bruises or broken wrists. Since emotional abuse invariably happens behind closed doors, they’ll be hard-pressed to prove to anyone that they’ve been mistreated horribly, especially if their partners are highly respected pillars of the community, and/or can get their side of the story out first. For these women, they’d rather deal with the emotional torment than risk judgment or ostracization.
6. Fear of punishment (including potential physical harm).
Regardless of how intelligent a woman is, she may be paralyzed with fear if there’s a serious chance of her being severely punished by her abuser. In some cases, the punishment being threatened involves leaving her destitute or being dragged through ugly courtroom proceedings. And in others, there’s a threat of severe physical harm.
Even if the emotional abuse hasn’t gotten physical yet, the threat of it can be dissuading enough for the woman in question to stay where she is and try to maintain the status quo as well as she can.
7. Trauma bonds.
Just because someone is intelligent, that doesn’t mean they’re impervious to manipulation. Trauma bonds are created when someone experiences cycles of loving care punctuated with abuse and fear. The woman in question may have fallen head over heels in love with her partner when they were being good to her, and thus endures periods of cruelty and abuse in the hope that those good times will roll around again.
Even if the logical, rational part of her mind is screaming at her about how unhealthy this dynamic is, the wounded parts of her excuse the abusive behavior and yearn for the tenderness she received from this person before.
8. “I can fix them.”
Even the most intelligent woman can be blindsided by love, devotion, and the idea that she can “fix” a profoundly broken partner. She might be projecting past experiences onto this relationship and trying to attain the outcome that was denied to her in the past, or she may have tied her sense of self-worth to her ability to save or help others.
As a result, she remains in an abusive relationship that’s damaging her terribly, feeling that if she’s just a bit more loving, a bit more nurturing, then her partner will wake up one day and suddenly recognize her worth. They’ll see that she’s their “person” and will finally reciprocate all the loving kindness she’s poured into them for so long.
9. Cognitive dissonance.
Many intelligent women have difficulty rationalizing the fact that they know they’re fully capable adults who can navigate just about anything, with the full awareness that they’re with partners who treat them like complete crap. As a result, a woman who’s in an abusive relationship may not be able to come to terms with the reality of her predicament.
In her mind, there’s no way that a fierce, intelligent woman would be in an abusive partnership. Even if there are very clear signs that she’s being abused, she’ll find valid reasons and rational explanations for why they’re happening, since abuse couldn’t possibly happen to someone like her. Not really.
Final thoughts…
Please remember that many women in emotionally abusive relationships don’t actually realize that they’re in that situation. This is particularly true for women who are in “savior” mode and are excusing their partner’s behavior. Like a frog that’s slowly being boiled, they adapt to increasing levels of abuse and don’t notice the damage. Furthermore, they’ll get defensive if others try to tell them that they’re being abused. They often need to have their epiphany moment, at which point they’ll finally be able to get the help they need to leave.
