It can be difficult to realize that you’re in survival mode when you’re stuck in it. It’s kind of like a fish that doesn’t clue into the fact that it’s surrounded by water: it’s simply where it lives, without much thought.
Unfortunately, the constant stress, catastrophizing, hypervigilance, and burnout that are part and parcel of survival mode can cause a great deal of harm if you remain in that state for a long period of time. If you are mired in this state and feel stuck, here are a few things you can do to pull yourself out of it.
1. Recognize and accept where you are.
The first step that’s needed to get yourself out of any awful situation is acceptance. There’s no point in trying to convince yourself that you aren’t actually in a pit full of snakes that’s quickly filling with water: once you accept that you’re there, you can do your best to work with what’s in there so you can get out.
If a person has been in denial about just how bad things are, it can be difficult to face the reality of the situation. After all, it’s a rather difficult thing to come to terms with. In her book When Things Fall Apart, author and Tibetan Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön says:
“The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently.”
Recognition and acceptance set the stage for moving forward.
2. Identify and reduce (or eliminate) as many stressors as possible.
Stress is one of the biggest indicators that one is in survival mode, but people often get into survival mode because of stress. This may be financial, or related to health or relationships, or may be a combination of many different factors. It’s also important to note that one key stressor that most people don’t realize is their own imagination — namely, thinking about how badly things could go, and what they need to do to mitigate them.
If you’re anything like me, you may be hypervigilant about all the things that could possibly go wrong, so you can make contingency plans on how to deal with them. I’ve been doing this for most of my life, and you know what? Nothing I have planned for in my imagination has ever come to pass the way I thought it would.
If you find yourself catastrophizing and trying to solve problems before they even arise, try to bring your focus back to the present moment. There is peace here, now. You can cross any potentially troublesome bridge when and if you get to it.
3. Determine what can be changed on your own, and what will require help.
There’s a lot of shame involved in survival mode, mostly because people feel like failures for having gotten into it in the first place. In reality, there are usually countless contributing factors for them ending up here, even when they’ve tried their best. What’s important to determine at this point is what they’re reasonably capable of doing on their own to get them out, and where they’ll need help.
For example, let’s say someone is working two jobs to support their family, while also being the primary child or elder care provider, cook, and housekeeper. That leaves them with pretty much zero energy to put towards getting themselves out of survival mode. If they have the means to, getting help with caregiving or having someone else take care of the house cleaning and management may allow them to regroup so they can move forward.
4. Make small, attainable goals.
If you’ve ever had to climb up a steep ladder or an immense flight of stairs, you remember what a daunting task it felt like when you were at the bottom — especially if you were already tired, and the top of that ladder felt so very far away. The key to climbing out of a dark hole like survival mode is to do it one small step at a time.
Do this by creating a list of small, attainable goals and taking care of them one at a time. Don’t think about how many tasks you need to do to free yourself from the Swamp of Sadness: just focus on that first one. Take care of whatever is necessary to clear it from your list, and once you’ve attained that goal, cross it off and get started on the next one. Before you know it, you’ll be further up the ladder than you realize.
5. Practice self-compassion and kindness.
Nobody can pull themselves out of a dark place by adding more darkness to it. Those who are stuck in survival mode are often immensely cruel to themselves due to feelings of shame and inadequacy about where they are, how they got there, what they “should have” done differently, and so on.
Instead of being awful to yourself about being in that bog, treat yourself as you would treat a dear friend who was dealing with this very issue. You’d show them immense compassion and understanding, wouldn’t you? Of course you would. In fact, you’d likely ask them to stop being so unkind to themselves and remind them not only of all their great attributes, but that just as many hands helped to push them down into that hole, many other hands are willing to help them back out again.
6. Reconnect with what the inner self needs.
When someone is stuck in survival mode, they’re usually on autopilot to get through any given day. As such, things like bathing, eating, and resting fall by the wayside in favor of work, duty, obligations, and so on. In fact, any spare time that isn’t spent working or taking care of other responsibilities is spent feeling guilty about not outputting more.
Nobody can fill up cups from an empty well. If you don’t allow yourself to rest and replenish, you’ll have no strength or resilience available to help you get out of that survival mode hole. Determine what you need most to help you regroup, and make those things a priority. Do you need silence and solitude? Long baths? A few days of uninterrupted sleep? Excellent: now do everything within your means to make those things happen, so you can move forward with fresh fuel in your tank.
7. Determine what can be delegated elsewhere.
One of the main reasons that a lot of people end up in survival mode is that they carry far more of their fair share of responsibility in their lives. For example, if a person’s spouse has been out of work and is dealing with severe depression, the individual in question may be working two jobs to support the family, plus doing the lion’s share of house cleaning, cooking, child or elder care, and so on.
Determine what can be delegated to others to alleviate your own burden. If you can, assign chores to capable people in the house. Set up a meal prep schedule or, if you have the means, have ready-made food delivered a few times a week. If you don’t have the means, it’s ok to eat basic meals like tinned fish or peanut butter on toast or crackers to alleviate the pressure of cooking. If you don’t absolutely have to shoulder something yourself, give it to someone else to carry if you can.
8. Ask for help.
If you’ve been stuck in survival mode for a long time, it may feel like you’ll never find a way out of it. Furthermore, you may be feeling so down and ashamed that you’re hesitant to reach out to ask for help.
In reality, there’s usually some type of help available for pretty much any situation if you know where to look. This can include respite assistance for caregiving, financial assistance for groceries, and even volunteer organizations that can help with basic chores like house cleaning or snow removal. If you don’t know where to look, food banks, religious organisations, charities, community groups (either in person or on social media), and local libraries can be good places to start. Most people leap at the chance to help others, so let this be an opportunity to accept that same help in turn.
Final thoughts…
No matter how dire things seem right now, there are ways for you to get out of the survival mode hole you feel that you’re stuck in. Every situation has an exit, even if it isn’t immediately apparent. If you don’t know where to begin, consider booking some time with a therapist or life coach who can help you create an action plan while simultaneously reducing your stress levels.
The way out may not be immediately apparent, but it will appear once you allow yourself to be open to trying new avenues.
