Empathy is one of the greatest gifts a person can have. It allows us to feel other people’s pain and struggles so we can better understand them, and gives us the opportunity to live in service to others whenever possible.
That said, it can also become an immense burden at times, especially if you’re already feeling frayed. Then, other people’s emotions can feel like shards of glass striking sunburned skin. As sacred as it is to have deep empathy, it can also feel like a burden in the following ways:
1. You feel others’ emotions as keenly as if they were your own.
Deeply empathic people can’t help but feel others’ emotions: to try doing otherwise would be like standing in a torrential downpour and trying not to get wet. This ability is immensely helpful for those in healthcare or other caregiving careers, as it allows them to tap into what others are feeling so they can help accordingly.
It’s a great honor to be able to be there for others during the most difficult times in their lives, but it also means that you experience the terrible pain they’re going through. One of the worst things I’ve ever experienced was spending time with a friend who was dying of cancer. I couldn’t do anything to help her: all I could do was try to ease her fear and reassure her that everything would be okay, while trying to keep my own emotions in check as I felt hers pour through me in waves.
But that’s what we do. We help: when we can, and however we can.
“If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them.” The Dalai Lama
2. You become everyone’s free therapist.
Have you ever had someone call you at 3 a.m. because they’re having some sort of crisis and they felt that you were the only one they could turn to? If you’re a naturally empathic person, this sort of thing has likely happened to you countless times. You make people feel safe, without judgment, and you’re able to soothe their spirits and rekindle their light — traits that many are drawn to on a subconscious level.
As such, they often turn to you for help and guidance whenever they’re dealing with difficulties, and rarely ask if you have the bandwidth to help them out. You’re their lighthouse in the darkness, and it never occurs to them to check to see how you’re doing. Furthermore, while you try to be there for them whenever you’re able to do so, they rarely reciprocate. Essentially, you’re a free therapist who rarely gets any support in return.
3. You want to save everyone, even though you know you can’t.
Those who have deep empathy often devote their lives to saving and caring for as many beings as possible. Some pursue careers in nursing or personal support, while others dedicate themselves to foster parenting, animal rescue, and/or environmental stewardship initiatives.
It’s likely that your empathy drives you to protect and save others, however you can. And although you’ve managed to make an enormous difference in many lives, it hurts you deeply that there are countless others you haven’t been able to help. As a result, you might feel guilt and self-loathing that you didn’t do more; that you never seem to be able to do enough to counteract all the bleakness and suffering in the world.
4. You tolerate more mistreatment than you should because of your compassion.
It’s a lot easier to forgive others for their poor behavior when we understand where it stems from. That said, people who have deep empathy often become targets for abusive people specifically because they’re so understanding and forgiving.
You may have dealt with far more than your fair share of abuse — narcissistic or otherwise — because you feel so bad for the one who mistreated you. Basically, you let them treat you poorly due to compassion for everything they experienced that made them that way.
5. You’re so accustomed to offering help that you feel guilty asking for it in return.
Empaths are givers by nature, and often feel that their purpose here on earth is to help other people without ever asking for help in return. Most feel that they’re being selfish if they do so, and will try to deal with all manner of struggles alone rather than risk being a burden on anyone else.
If you’ve been in a bad place, you’ve likely hesitated to reach out to your social circle for help because your empathy allowed you to feel all the difficulties they were already dealing with. You didn’t want to feel the guilt of potentially adding to their loads, and ended up dealing with your hardships alone instead.
6. You feel so deeply that others’ pain cuts you to the core.
In the first Lord of the Rings film, Galadriel says to Frodo: “To bear a ring of power is to be alone.” The same can be said for empathy, as it is an immensely powerful ability that can cause just as much pain as joy. It’s wonderful when the emotions you’re sharing with someone are happy or inspirational, but when that person is in the depths of despair or excruciating pain, and you’re powerless to help them, it’s a harrowing experience that can be difficult to crawl back from.
This type of empathy doesn’t just happen in person, either. Images of those who are suffering — such as social media posts about poverty, genocide, animal cruelty, hunger, etc. — can overwhelm and debilitate you, too.
7. You’re devastated at the thought of letting anyone down.
Since you know what it’s like to feel intense disappointment, and you feel when others have been let down by those around them, you make a point of going above and beyond to make sure you never cause that emotion in anyone else. This may take the form of people-pleasing at your own expense, or perpetually anticipating others’ needs and taking care of them without even being asked.
As you might imagine, this constant output inevitably leads to exhaustion and burnout. Unfortunately, most empathic people are so worried about letting others down that they end up getting ill and are then forced to take time off to heal and recuperate. They end up creating the very situation they hoped to avoid in the first place with their diligent emotional and mental labor.
8. You may get so emotionally overwhelmed that you shut down.
You know what happens when electronic equipment keeps getting hit by powerful energy surges? It’ll overload and break. Empaths are no different, and being constantly barraged by devastating waves of emotion often overloads them to the point where they shut down.
This doesn’t mean that they become cruel and mean, but are rather too broken to be able to function properly anymore. Some withdraw from the world intentionally, while others may end up needing inpatient psychiatric care.
This is why it’s so vital to ensure that you care for yourself while also caring for those around you. Withdraw and replenish your reserves on a regular basis, and most importantly, allow yourself to rest. No garden can produce fruit all the time: it needs to go fallow, sleep, and be nourished in order to bring forth life again when the time is right.
Final thoughts…
Although empathy may seem like a burden at times, please remember what an amazing, powerful gift it is as well. Pain and sorrow are a small price to pay for the ability to sense what others are feeling, and to be able to love and support them as we move through life.
Remember that the first sign of real human civilization was a healed femur, because someone cared enough about a severely injured person to care for them until they healed.
Your deep empathy is the embodiment of everything it means to be human.
“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.”
– Margaret Mead
