Although the words “empathy” and “compassion” are often used interchangeably, they aren’t exactly the same thing. To empathize with someone means that you do your best to understand their experience and perspective, especially with regard to their suffering. Compassion, however, is a deep concern for others’ suffering, along with a strong motivation to help alleviate that suffering.
Many people experience both of these things, but may get lost in trying to help everyone. Furthermore, their goodwill may be taken for granted by devious individuals. As such, it’s actually important to be selective with your empathy and the compassion you show others. Here’s how.
1. Establish limits and boundaries with people who keep repeating harmful cycles.
It’s important to have empathy for those who are struggling and to show compassion by trying to help them out, but it’s challenging to keep offering support to a person who repeats unhealthy cycles instead of learning from them. Offering help and care to a person who wrecked their car is noble and decent, but continuing to offer that kind of help to them after they’ve wrecked 20 cars the exact same way is a bit too much to ask.
If you find that you’re being used as an emotional pillar or punching bag by a person who refuses to make any changes in their life, let them know that you need to take a step back and explain exactly why. You can let them know that if they take action to improve this situation and break free from their chosen cycles, you’ll be willing to offer help again.
2. Recognize your own limits.
One of the most difficult lessons I’ve had to learn in this lifetime is that I cannot draw from an empty well: I have to replenish my own energy reserves before I’m able to give to others. I’ve often stretched myself thinly when it comes to helping other people, and have ended up a depleted mess as a result.
Nothing and no one can be “on” all the time. Tides ebb as well as flow, and farms go fallow in wintertime so they can leap back into production mode in summertime. Learn to recognize when (or even better, before) you’re depleted and burnt out, and retreat to rest and replenish yourself. You can’t help anyone else if you have nothing left to give.
3. Prioritize people and situations you can help directly.
You’re likely already familiar with the phrase “think globally, act locally”. The type of selective empathy we’re mentioning here goes beyond that to focus entirely on issues you are actively able to help within your sphere. There are always terrible things happening in the world, but you can’t help or fix all of them. What you can do is use the energy and resources at your disposal to help as best you can.
For example, I don’t have a lot of money to send to those in need worldwide, but I have a huge yarn stash and a bit of free time. So, whenever I watch movies with my partner in the evening or on weekends, I knit warm clothes to donate. We live in a very marginalized area, so the local food bank collects clothing donations as well as non-perishable food items. I don’t have the means to feed or clothe someone who’s five thousand miles away, but I can keep my neighbors warm and fed.
4. Do some empathy triage.
When people are admitted to a hospital, they receive care depending on the severity of their illness or injuries. As a result, someone with an actively bleeding gunshot wound will take priority over someone with a badly sprained ankle. When it comes to empathy, you can also go the triage route and prioritize those whose suffering is urgent, rather than niggling.
For example, let’s say you’ve been helping someone who has been through a lot of difficult things, but isn’t either in immediate danger or traumatic shock. Suddenly, someone else in your circle loses their partner in a tragic accident and is completely shattered by the experience. If your time and/or emotional resources are limited, you might choose to prioritize the second person’s needs because they’re simply more urgent.
5. Do research before committing.
In an ideal world, people wouldn’t lie about the suffering they’re experiencing for the sake of personal gain, thus making others hesitant to trust anyone who asks for help. But unfortunately, some individuals farm others’ pity and goodwill, and empathetic individuals who give end up being used and manipulated as a result.
This is why it’s important to do your research before determining whether you’ll put time, energy, and other resources into helping an individual or organization.
Furthermore, this kind of research can also shed light on a questionable situation, so you don’t accidentally agree to help the wrong person. For instance, if someone has been asking for help with a child custody issue because they say they’re being cruelly prevented from seeing their kids, a bit of research may reveal that there’s a good reason for this. With this information, you can better decide where and how to put your compassion into practice.
6. Take a step back if you’re being damaged.
People who feel a great deal of empathy, especially those who pour as much energy as possible into helping others, often end up suffering from something known as “compassion fatigue”, which is also known as secondary traumatic stress.
It occurs frequently in first responders, ER doctors and nurses, and caregivers who are exposed to so many awful things all the time that something within them snaps, and they shut down. Other people go the opposite route and become so hyper-sensitized that they break down weeping whenever they see others in pain.
You can’t help anyone else if you’re so depleted and damaged that you’ve become essentially non-functional. If you find that your intense empathy is causing you harm, especially if you’re hurting deeply at your inability to help those who are in desperate need, then take a step back. Withdraw to a safe harbor, tend to your needs, and allow yourself to heal as much as possible before venturing forth once again. There is no shame in turning back to regroup when wounded. It’s far better to do that than to carry on until you’re of no use to anyone, including yourself.
7. Keep in mind equity over equality.
Those who care deeply about others and want to help as much as possible often spread their efforts thinly in an attempt to share resources equally. Although this is a noble idea, it usually ends up falling short of the intended mark. This is because equity is actually the better approach: distributing resources based on different people’s individual needs, in order for the outcome to be fair and effective. This illustration depicts it perfectly.
Think of it this way: imagine a person’s goal is to feed the homeless in their area. One person they come across is single, healthy, and well-fed, and has only been unhoused for a short period of time. The next person they help is a single parent to three children (who are also homeless), and none of them have had much to eat for days. If both of these individuals are given a single meal, one will eat well while the other will have to share their food with three others, none of whom will be properly nourished.
Selective empathy and compassion work the same way: distributing your energy in an equitable fashion in order to have the most beneficial outcome, instead of scattering breadcrumbs that ultimately help no one.
Final thoughts…
People who have intense empathy for others are beacons of light in this grey world. They’re what Mr. Rogers referred to as “helpers”, and they use the intense loving care they have to try to make this world a better place.
The key, though, is to use that energy in the best and most effective way possible, rather than scattering it around haphazardly. In the same way that we plant seeds carefully and intentionally so they have the greatest chance of thriving, we also need to focus our empathy in ways that will do the greatest good.
