We’re all amalgamations of individual interests, quirks, and preferences. If we’re very fortunate, we end up in relationships with people who embrace us with open arms and accept every aspect of us. Unfortunately, though, a lot of individuals get into relationships with people they think are “good enough”, with the goal of molding them into their ideal partners along the way.
If your partner says or does the things listed below, be warned: they may be subtly telling you that they wish you would change, rather than celebrating you exactly as you are.
1. Comparing you to others, such as friends or other social group members.
They might talk about how good someone in your social group looks now that they’ve changed X thing about themselves. For example, an ex of mine would often make offhand complimentary remarks about my friends’ appearances, commenting on how various things they wore or changed about themselves would suit me well.
He was particularly fond of repeating how my friends with dyed red hair looked amazing, and how great I would look if I dyed mine similarly. He even went so far as to scan some photos and change my hair color in Photoshop to show me how amazing it would look if I dyed it, completely disregarding my lack of interest in doing so.
2. Repeatedly doing “helpful things” that they think will benefit you.
A person who feels that their partner isn’t organized enough may take it upon themselves to get them a planner journal to help them out. Similarly, someone who feels that their partner’s spelling and grammar aren’t up to their standards might get them a subscription to Grammarly, or buy them books on that topic “for their own benefit.”
In their mind, they feel that they’re doing something to help you out, when in reality, they’re trying to change you into a version of yourself that’s more palatable to them. It doesn’t matter whether you have dyslexia or are simply a bad speller: they’re showing you that they don’t accept you as you are and wish you would change to suit their preferences.
3. Buying things for you and getting upset or offended if you don’t use them.
Most people choose the clothes they wear either because they’re comfortable or because they love the way they look. Or both. Unfortunately, if you have a partner who wishes that you’d dress differently, they might do subtle things in an attempt to change your appearance.
For example, they may buy you clothes that you have absolutely no interest in because they think you’d look spectacular in them, and then give you a hard time when you don’t wear them.
The same goes for other things that you have little interest in. If they’re ashamed that you’re using an old phone, for instance, they may buy you a new one as a surprise. You may not want one at all, but they’ll get upset or offended if you don’t use the one they got you. Essentially, they’re working on replacing one thing at a time that they don’t like in the hope of changing you into the person they want you to be.
4. Insulting or making fun of your belongings to encourage you to replace them.
This is similar to the situation mentioned above, only in a derogatory fashion rather than an encouraging one. For example, if you’re going out for date night, your partner might make a passive-aggressive comment like “Oh, you’re wearing yet another metal band T-shirt. For our dinner date. Nice”. Then, over the course of the evening, they’ll make other digs about how much effort they put into their appearance, and so on.
This type of behavior may extend to items you have around your home. Do you collect action figures or plush toys? That’s hilarious: you remind them of their 11-year-old cousin. You carry things around in a backpack? Well, one day — when you’re all grown up — maybe you can switch over to a messenger bag or purse instead. You know, like an adult.
And so on.
5. Showing disdainful body language when you behave a certain way.
Some people’s thoughts and emotions are clearly visible on their faces, even if they don’t intend to broadcast them quite so clearly. As such, if you do something that they wish you would change, you can tell how unimpressed they are by how they behave.
They might twist their face into a moue of disdain before turning away from you, or look at you in utter disappointment before redirecting their attention elsewhere. Alternatively, they may don a completely blank expression, blink a few times, and then leave the room.
However they choose to express themselves, the message they’re sending is that they’re patently unimpressed by you — possibly even disgusted — and they truly wish you’d do better in their eyes.
Of course, it’s worth noting that facial expressions and body language can be, and often are, misinterpreted. Some people simply show emotions differently, and so it’s important to look at their body language norms and note whether this deviates from them.
For example, if your partner doesn’t have a particularly expressive face, a blank expression doesn’t really mean much. Or if their processing face looks a lot like a scowl, there’s likely no malice intended.
6. Making decisions for you instead of honoring your preferences.
If your partner wishes you would change, they may take little opportunities to make those changes for you, thereby encouraging you to adopt them. For example, you might be completely drained from the awful day you’ve had at work, and ask them to pick up some burgers and fries for dinner en route home.
When you get there, you discover that they’ve gotten you a salad and some poached fish instead of the burger you were desperately looking forward to, because it’s “healthier” for you. That may be the case, but they didn’t honor your request: they made a decision on your behalf, ignoring your preferences, because they want you to change certain behaviors (and/or physical traits).
7. Damaging themselves as a passive means of forcing change.
If they can’t make you change with overt behavior, they may resort to forms of self-destruction in an attempt to force you to alter your actions. For example, if you eat, drink, or consume things that you know aren’t great for you, and that they wish you would stop consuming, they may start doing the same thing to get a reaction out of you.
When you inevitably reprimand them for doing so, they’ll point out that since you do them, then they’re obviously okay. This is a manipulation tactic that weaponizes your double standards. They want you to stop doing this thing, which you may not want to do, but you don’t want them to do it either. The end result is that either you’ll change, or be forced to watch them self-destruct by mimicking your behaviour.
8. Sighing or showing similar signs of disapproval about your choices.
Your partner may not come out and ask something like “Are you really going to eat that?” when you sit down to a big plate of beer-battered pork rinds, but they may sigh deeply before pouring themselves some muesli with oat milk.
Other than sighing, they may exhibit behaviors such as eye rolling or making “tsk” sounds, all of which tell you just how much they disapprove of whatever it is you’re doing. Did you get your clothes covered in mud when you played with the dogs outside? Eyeroll. Are you reading a fairy smut book instead of classic literature? “Tsk”.
You get the idea.
Final thoughts…
All of these behaviors have the same root cause: not seeing one’s partner as an individual, but rather as an object to be contained, controlled, and directed. Essentially, you’re a prop in their story, not an actual person. They want you made to order as per their preferences, rather than accepting you for who you are, as you are.
Partners often change over time to be more like one another, but that has to be either subconscious or mutually agreed upon rather than coerced. Otherwise, it’s more like ownership than sharing a loving, respectful life together.
