There are many different factors that can contribute to a “tough” childhood. Some people grow up in extreme poverty, which results in them being undernourished, wearing ill-fitting clothes, and being bullied by their peers. Others have abusive or neglectful parents, while some may lose a parent early to illness or injury, and have to navigate huge feelings of grief and insecurity.
All of these experiences contribute to a person’s formation, and can weave common threads into their behavior — and overall experiences — once they reach adulthood. Here are just some of the ways it can impact a person.
1. You may end up being drawn to the same types of people or situations that caused you grief in the past.
Many people who experienced cruelty from their caregivers in the past end up being drawn to the same situations in adulthood. For example, one of my friends grew up with a severely narcissistic mother, who died when my friend was quite young. Because of this, she has been continually drawn to friends who have treated her the same way her mother did, in the hope of getting a positive resolution.
Other people may choose romantic partners who share similar traits and behaviors to their abusers in the hope that this time, this person will see their worth and will treat them better than their parent(s) did. It’s one of the most common reasons people repeat toxic relationship patterns, according to experts.
2. It can mean you end up quick to cut people out of your life as an adult.
Children don’t have much of a say in their lives at all until they hit their mid to late teens. This lack of control over their own lives is particularly poignant if they grow up with abuse, poverty, or other hardship. Many of them had to deal with upsetting experiences faster than their minds could cope with, and thus had to mature much more quickly than their peers.
As adults, with full agency over their own lives, they may therefore cut ties and burn bridges at the slightest sign that similar patterns may be repeating. The current situation may not bear any real resemblance to what they experienced in the past, but simply triggered their nightmarish formative experiences. A person who reminds them of a past abuser or a situation that makes them feel a loss of control will be instantly discarded and run from.
3. Not having enough food as a kid doesn’t just stunt your growth: it creates unhealthy eating habits.
Children who don’t receive enough nutrients during their developmental years — either due to poverty or abuse — end up having stunted physical and mental development. Quite frankly, they don’t get enough materials to help build their little bodies. Additionally, constantly feeling hungry can affect their behavior towards food when they reach adulthood.
For example, some are prone to overeating to compensate for the lack they had as kids, and end up suffering from symptoms related to obesity, such as diabetes. Others hinder their own food intake so there’s always something in the pantry, to ensure that there will always be food available later. A person who didn’t get enough to eat when growing up may hoard food and be very miserly towards anyone else who threatens to deplete their personal stash.
4 It damages your trust in people on a fundamental level.
One can often spot those who had a good childhood as opposed to those who didn’t, by how they behave around new people. Those who are open and friendly towards new acquaintances, and who don’t harbor any wariness towards them, are usually those who grew up surrounded by caring and kind adults whom they could trust to take care of and protect them.
In contrast, people who experienced the polar opposite are usually very controlled with what they tell others, and reveal as little about themselves as possible. They generally aren’t very warm towards anyone, let alone strangers. Furthermore, they’ll often assume the worst about people and their intentions, certain that everyone is out to get them as soon as they lower their guard. As such, they find it very hard to bond with or open up to people, including potential friends and partners, and often become hyperindependent as a result.
5. Poverty in childhood creates a “lack” mentality that’s difficult to shake.
Those who didn’t have much in childhood often grow up to be workaholics who strive to squirrel away as much money as possible. They may hoard things that may become useful eventually, use items until they fall apart, and tend to avoid using “nice” things like fancy soap or good clothes — either because they feel that they don’t deserve them, or to keep them in pristine condition.
Some will leave boxes and containers in the fridge that only have crumbs left in them instead of throwing them out, while others will overwork and hustle all the time so as to feel a greater sense of financial security. Even worse, they’ll often feel responsible for taking care of those around them financially, and won’t rest properly just in case their source of income disappears overnight. This leads to burnout, poor physical and mental health, and in some cases, severe illness.
6. They struggle with balance in social interactions.
People who had unstable childhoods often struggle when it comes to socializing with others. This could be due to having moved frequently and never having been able to develop strong, lasting friendships, or due to walking on eggshells with abusive caregivers. As a result, they may develop anxious attachment, or the opposite (they keep people at a safe distance), or they alternate between the two in a forever contradicting push-pull dynamic.
Depending on the troubles they experienced growing up, they may also have difficulty relating to younger people. For example, a person who found solace in childhood peers may do well with kids and become fiercely protective of them. They may also want a large family when they reach adulthood, and fawn over their own kids. In contrast, someone who was bullied by other children or who experienced severe abuse may refuse to have their own kids, and might even be uncomfortable in their presence.
7. Struggles in childhood literally change how your brain works.
If you’ve struggled with several different challenges throughout your life and wondered why you can’t think as clearly or quickly as other people do, it’s likely because your brain quite literally works differently from those of others. Studies show that the brains of people who developed complex PTSD due to a tough childhood are shaped differently than those who didn’t experience trauma. Essentially, childhood struggles literally change brain structure and functionality.
Many people give themselves a hard time for not being able to do better at various tasks and life skills, when the body part needed to do those tasks is damaged, and therefore can’t function as well. If you wouldn’t judge and berate yourself for not being able to run on legs that have been shattered by others and pinned together a dozen times, please be gentle with yourself about trying to function with a mind that was damaged through no fault of your own.
8. You may spend the rest of your life waiting for the other shoe to fall.
If you dealt with intense childhood loss, poverty, or abuse, you may spend the rest of your life bracing for the next awful thing that’s sure to happen. Whenever something seems to be going well, you’ll get anxious. In fact, you might even try to sabotage the situation, because causing it to go sideways on your own terms hurts a lot less than if and when it falls apart without warning.
A traumatic or difficult childhood can mean your nervous system gets trapped in a threat response. As a result, you’re perpetually hypervigilant, waiting for something bad to happen, and you don’t know what to do with yourself when it isn’t. On a fundamental level, you’re programmed to catastrophize and expect something awful, painful, or otherwise traumatic around every corner. That’s unsurprising, but it can make life far more of a struggle than it needs to be.
Final thoughts…
Many people take it upon themselves to tell others to “get over” their tough childhood, believing that things a person experienced in their youth are like bad dreams to let go of once the sun comes up.
In reality, those formative experiences built the foundation upon which the rest of their lives unfolded. Those who were abused or lived in poverty as kids are twice as likely to struggle in adulthood as those who had a stable, loving upbringing. Those who had it rough as kids do the best they can, but their efforts are forever at a deficit.
