Most of us have gotten fairly good at spotting the narcissists among us, but one of the best ways of identifying them is by observing how they behave in conversations with others. Good talking partners show balance and reciprocation in discussions, whereas conversational narcissists can’t help but behave in very specific ways.
In fact, if a person does the things listed here, let that be a warning to you: they may have learned how to hide their narcissistic tendencies in other aspects of their lives, but in conversation, the truth will out.
1. Redirecting conversations that aren’t of perceived interest.
If the conversational narcissist feels that the topic of conversation isn’t about them and isn’t going to lead to anything they perceive as a reward, they’ll simply steer the topic back to themselves or something else they’d prefer to talk about. In contrast, more fair-minded and mutually invested individuals will exchange thoughts and ideas equally in a give-and-take pattern.
For example, my partner is crazy about knitting and quilting, so she gets excited about various yarns and fabrics. I, on the other hand, have little to no interest in such matters, but will quite happily listen to her talk about the things she loves, as it’s lovely to see her “light up” with excitement about a topic. In turn, she gladly listens to (and is supportive of) the things I’m interested in for the same reason.
2. The “dump and run” approach.
The person in question might arrive in a flurry of emotion, dump all of their issues and problems onto the other person, won’t allow the other to get a word in edgewise, and then — having lightened their burden — will take off again. This leaves their conversation partner feeling completely drained and a bit frayed, since they’ve just had a ton of BS dropped on them.
Meanwhile, the one who blurted and ran is inevitably feeling so much better: they’ve unburdened themselves on a friend without any thought to how their actions might affect that person, and didn’t have to pay the fee that they’d be charged at a therapist’s office. Hooray!
3. Constant interruptions, including finishing other people’s sentences for them.
Some people love to hear themselves talk, and if they feel that the one they’re talking to isn’t engaging enough to maintain their interest, they’ll interrupt them. I once lived with a person who would interrupt what I was saying to flat-out tell me that he had no interest in what he was talking about, but then insisted that I sit and listen to him drone on about whatever he wanted to discuss for hours at a time.
Similarly, if the person they’re talking to is taking too long to say something (in their opinion), a conversational narcissist will often finish a sentence for them and then move on to the next thing they wanted to talk about.
To be clear, this goes beyond the tendency to interrupt that comes from neurodivergence such as autism, ADHD, or both (AuDHD). In those instances, the interrupting actually comes from a place of enthusiasm and difficulty sensing when to speak, and not from a blatant disregard for the other person.
4. Status or name dropping.
There’s a meme going around that’s a Venn diagram of a vegan, a Burning Man attendee, and a CrossFit aficionado, and what they all have in common: they never stop talking about themselves. Conversational narcissists manage to drop whatever makes them feel superior into every conversation they have.
Did they go to law school? Meet a celebrity? Do they drive an expensive car, or did they save a kitten from a puddle? You can be certain that they’ll work it into every conversation they have, with every person they talk to, until the last planet crumbles to ash.
5. Continuing to talk even if the other person is checked out (or has fallen asleep).
They’ll be going on about their favorite topic in the world (i.e., themselves), not letting anyone else get a word in edgewise, and will be completely oblivious to the fact that the other person has checked out completely. The person they’re talking to/at might be gazing out the window or scrolling on their phone, but they’re simply making “uh-huh, yeah, cool” sounds to humor the one who’s on their tangent.
My partner once drifted off to sleep while a friend of hers was talking “to” her, and when she woke up a couple of hours later, said friend was still talking. Either she hadn’t noticed, or was so engrossed in hearing herself talk that she prioritized that over checking to see whether my partner had fallen asleep, or died of boredom.
6. Offering unsolicited advice, since they’re such experts on everything.
They’re quick to offer the advice you never asked for, especially if they’re the last person on the planet you’d turn to if you wanted an opinion. They usually feel that they’re an authority on the subject (even though they’re probably clueless about it), and get terribly offended if you aren’t interested in what they’re suggesting.
If you challenge them on their advice and ask where they learned this information, or why they feel they’re in a position to offer any suggestions whatsoever, they’ll go on the defensive and imply that you’re being mean or hurtful. After all, they’re just trying to help — you don’t need to be like that.
7. Implying that the other person’s thoughts or views are invalid or even stupid.
Conversational narcissists generally don’t take it well when others contradict or argue with them. In their minds, they’re the world’s authority on the topics they like to talk about. As such, if the other person makes a valid point or mentions something in their field of interest that they didn’t already know about, they get defensive and feel like they need to regain their position of power in the exchange.
They’ll do this by trying to invalidate the other person’s perspective or stance, either by challenging their source or implying that, since they don’t have an equally impressive education, nothing they say carries any weight. Their goal is to make the other feel small while aggrandizing themselves, rather than having a sincerely engaging exchange with an equal.
8. Sighing, rolling their eyes, tapping fingers, or otherwise making it clear that they don’t care what the other person is saying.
You know how some people’s faces or body language let everyone else know exactly what they’re thinking, even if they’re trying to keep their emotions to themselves? Conversational narcissists don’t even try to keep those things corralled behind a facade of engaged politesse: every fiber of their being will show you — with no room for misinterpretation — that they’re bored to tears and are waiting for you to shut up so they can go back to talking about something far more interesting: themselves.
Some might even go so far as to tell you to “skip to the end” if you have the audacity to take longer than a few seconds to say whatever banal tripe you’re punishing them with. Essentially, any time someone else is speaking, they’ll behave like a third grader who’s being forced to watch a documentary on soil strata.
Final thoughts…
Conversational narcissists are exhausting to deal with, and rarely, if ever, take constructive criticism about their behavior well. As a result, the only ways to deal with them are to either establish firm boundaries from the get-go or limit the amount of time you spend with them.
If you’re forced to talk to them because they’re family members or superiors at work, try to go “gray rock” so they don’t drain your energy too much, and then do something that replenishes your light as soon as they finally stop talking.
