Do you remember when you were a child, and you scraped your knee after falling down? You likely sat down and cradled that hurt knee for a little while until the initial pain wore off, and then attended to it as needed. At some point, however, you were likely taught to minimize the pain you felt, whether physical, emotional, or mental, especially if someone else seemed to “have it worse” than you.
But your pain has always been valid, and minimizing it can only be damaging. Here’s how to stop minimizing it and start validating it instead.
1. Stop comparing yourself to others.
Life experiences aren’t competitions, and that goes for suffering as much as anything else. Someone who’s in physical pain because they’re recovering from surgery doesn’t deserve more (or less) sympathy or compassion than a person who’s living with crippling arthritis: they both cause pain and suffering, and neither should be minimized because of the idea that one is somehow “worse” than the other.
You are absolutely allowed to validate your pain and do what you can to alleviate it, without minimizing it or brushing it off as self-indulgent. If you were the only person on the planet, would this still hurt you? If the answer is “yes”, then it’s worthy of caring for.
Take a moment to name your pain and describe it as you would to a doctor or therapist, without comparing it to anyone else’s experience. Then determine what the next steps should be to help you work through it, or ease it so you’re suffering less.
2. Treat yourself as you would treat your best friend.
If your friend came to you and wept in your arms because they were in pain — physical, mental, or emotional — would you offer them comfort and reassurance? Or tell them to suck it up and be quiet because other people have it so much worse than they do? Similarly, if your child came to you with a broken arm, would you tell them that it isn’t a big deal because a child their own age is starving in another country?
That broken arm still needs to be attended to because it’s broken and is causing them pain, and you’d make it a priority because someone you love is hurting deeply. Try to turn that same compassionate behavior towards yourself: yes, people around the world are experiencing tremendous pain and suffering, but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t as well.
3. Take note of whose voice is minimizing your pain.
Whenever you find yourself invalidating and minimizing the pain you’re experiencing, take a moment to determine whose voice it is that’s doing so. Is it your own? Or is it the voice of someone who’s trying to stop you from making a fuss, else they’ll “give you something to cry about”?
In my case, having grown up with a narcissistic mother, any time I invalidate the pain that I’m experiencing, it ends up being in her voice. I was once told to stop making a fuss about being ill because she had a migraine, which was undoubtedly far worse than the bilateral pneumonia I was obviously faking for attention. If you’ve been inundated with messaging like this since early childhood, minimizing your own pain becomes an automatic response, rather than an authentic one.
4. Recognize that you’re human, not a machine.
Pain keeps us from being able to live the lives we’d like to have, yet most people behave as though pain is a moral failing rather than a very tangible, valid one. In fact, some even twist philosophical phrases such as “pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional” to encourage others to keep pushing on when they’re struggling, especially since others have it “so much worse” than they do. After all, what’s a bit of cancer treatment compared to someone who’s lost all their limbs? Or why are you still grieving about that loss when others are homeless?
Acknowledge that part of being human means that sometimes pain will incapacitate you and force you to rest, and to heal. You aren’t an android, so stop trying to behave like one for other people’s benefit.
5. Accept that invalidated, unrecognized pain doesn’t go away; it just changes shape.
According to traditional Chinese medicine, our kidneys store deeply held emotions — particularly unexpressed fear, anxiety, and stress. As a result, people who don’t acknowledge and work through these emotions are prone to kidney stones and other renal imbalances. Even if you don’t subscribe to this perspective, modern science confirms that repressed emotion can cause health problems ranging from immune system dysfunction to heart issues.
Minimizing your pain won’t make it go away. In fact, it can open the door to issues far beyond what you’re experiencing right now. So make a point of naming and acknowledging the pain you’re experiencing, both to yourself and to others. Discuss what you’re comfortable sharing, journal about what you’re feeling, and allow yourself to feel all the feelings without guilt. By recognizing and acknowledging what you’re going through, you’re opening doors to greater and more effective healing.
6. Ask yourself who benefits from you minimizing your pain.
Over the years, have you intentionally made yourself smaller or more invisible so as to avoid making other people uncomfortable? If so, take some time to ask yourself who benefits the most from you minimizing your own suffering.
For example, if you have a chronic illness like endometriosis or Crohn’s disease, have your family members and coworkers changed the subject when you’ve tried to explain why you’re in pain? Have you been encouraged to just put on a brave face and keep on keeping on so you don’t inconvenience anyone?
More often than not, when and if someone minimizes their own pain, it’s because someone else has demanded that they do so in order to avoid discomfort. Calling attention to someone else’s atrocious suffering is used as a means of silencing those whose voices they don’t want to hear, about subject matter they aren’t interested in.
7. Validate emotional and mental pain just as much as physical.
Many people believe that emotional or mental pain isn’t as valid as physical pain, and therefore, doesn’t deserve even to be acknowledged, let alone treated. They’ll allot themselves sufficient time and space to heal from a badly sprained ankle, but will force themselves back to work a day or two after a family member has died, while they’re still grieving terribly.
This viewpoint is reinforced by workplaces that value output over humanity, or may penalize a person for “indulging emotional issues” instead of seeking help and treatment. But depression, anxiety, stress, grief, and countless other mental or emotional challenges aren’t any less valid than viruses or torn ligaments. Anything that causes suffering deserves succor.
8. Don’t gloss over what you’re experiencing for the sake of gratitude.
The fact that you’re currently benefitting from many blessings doesn’t erase the pain that you’re going through. You can absolutely be grateful for the many wonderful things in your life while simultaneously acknowledging that you’re struggling. A person who’s drowning in quicksand can be grateful for the sunshine and birdsong above them, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t being pulled under.
Invalidating your own experiences isn’t going to alleviate the difficulty that you’re going through right now, so try to replace the word “but” with “and” whenever you focus on the many blessings in your life. This will become something like: “I am immensely grateful for everything I have, and I am also in pain”. This acknowledges your struggle while simultaneously taking into account the many wonderful things you appreciate on a daily basis.
Final thoughts…
When you minimize your own pain, you’re more likely to accept others invalidating it as well. This can result in dire consequences if you decide not to bother advocating for yourself with healthcare professionals. You may not speak up when dealing with really serious symptoms because you’re downplaying them instead of acknowledging them — especially if people tell you that you’re attention seeking or that others have it worse than you do. Your pain deserves acknowledgement and care, so please prioritize it.
